Dear Lady in the Women's Washroom
LOOSE END
Ivan Coyote / Vancouver / Thursday, September 22, 2011
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I can only surmise from our recent interaction that I startled you in the women’s washroom at the mall today. I guess I don’t look much like what you seem to think a female washroom user should.

This is not the first time this has happened to me; in fact, this was not the first time this happened to me this week. Forgive me if I was not as patient with you as you seemed to feel I should have been, but I would like to point out that your high-pitched squeal startled me, and I needed to urinate very badly. Perhaps I was not as gracious as I could have been.

To ensure that the next time this happens to you, or me, things go more smoothly for everyone involved, I have jotted down a couple of notes for your reference.

Not everyone fits easily into one of the two options provided on your standard public washroom doors. In my world, gender is a spectrum, not a binary. Just because an individual does not present as what you feel a woman should look like does not mean that person does not belong there.

Public washrooms are just that: public. This means that you do not get to decide whom you share them with. I would like to remind you that everyone, regardless of their gender identity or presentation, needs to pee.

For some of us, public washrooms are stressful places. We generally avoid them whenever possible. Please, rest assured that if I have chosen to enter a public washroom in spite of my long and arduous history with them, I have taken the time to note which door I am about to walk into, and that I am confident I have chosen the lesser of two evils.

I am, in fact, hyper aware of which bathroom I am in. It is not necessary for you to stare at me, pointedly refer to the graphic on the door or discuss my decision loudly with your companions. Gawking, elbowing your friend and repeatedly clearing your throat are also not helpful. Trust me, I will be in and out as quick as is humanly possible.

The next time this happens to you, I would like you to think twice before screaming. I would like you to imagine what it feels like to be me. Imagine being screeched at by a perfect stranger. Now imagine being screeched at when you really need to pee, or your tampon gave out 20 minutes ago. Sucks, doesn’t it?

I want you to know that I understand wanting to feel safe from men while using the bathroom in a public place. This is, in fact, the primary reason I don’t just use the other bathroom. That, and I have a very delicate sense of smell and don’t like returning filthy toilet seats to the down position.

I also would like you to know that trans and genderqueer people suffer from many more bladder infections, urinary tract issues and general pee–related health problems than the general population. I humbly ask you to consider why this might be the case.

I would also like you to know that I have had the great pleasure of spending time with seven-year-old and eight-year-old tomboys lately. Both young girls have experienced serious bullying at school and day camp over their gender presentation, especially in and around the question of gendered bathrooms. They have both come home from school in tears, and one of them even quit science camp because of it.

Hearing that these two sweet, kind, amazing children have already experienced “the bathroom problem” that I so often face myself not only broke my heart, it enraged me. I feel that this type of bullying has impeded their ability to access a public education, and affected their desire to participate in valuable activities outside of school as well.

I would like you to consider how this might affect their self-esteem, their grades and their sense of self-worth. I remind you that they are just little kids. They are only in elementary school, and it has started already. Not such a little thing after all, is it?

I ask you to forgive me my impatience with you at the mall today. But how could I possibly not think of my two little friends and feel anything but rage?

See, when you scream at me without thinking in the women’s washroom, you are implicating yourself in a rigid, two-party gender system that tells others it is okay to discriminate against people like me. Even little children who are like me.

This is the very same attitude that results in queer youth suicides and high school murderers being acquitted because the dead boy asked for it by wearing a skirt and makeup. It is this same attitude that turns its head when trans women are shot at by off-duty police officers and denied services at women’s shelters. It is this kind of sentiment that says it is okay to deny us housing, or a job, or the right to adopt children or dance on a freaking reality television show.

If you think I am making any of this up, then I encourage you to open up your newspaper and have another look.

I would like to remind you that this very same two-party gender system is enforced on me and others like me every day, policed by people just like you. It starts very young, and sometimes is subtle, as small as a second look on the way out of a bathroom stall, but sometimes it is deafening, and painful, and violent — even murderous.

So, the next time you meet up with someone like me in the “ladies’ room,” please think twice before screaming. I am not there by accident. In fact, I spent a lot more time looking at the sign on the door than you ever have.



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Reader Comments


 
Thank you
I couldn't have said it better myself.
Jaron, Oakland CA
09/22/11 12:24 AM EST
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YES!
Awesome writing as usual Ivan. By the way I don't have a tv but I heard that Chaz Bono is on Dancing with the Stars?! There you go, change is coming slowly but surely, thanks to people like yourself and others who take the time to educate everyone. Thanks.
johanne sauvé, hope bc
09/22/11 1:31 AM EST
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Gender Neutral Please
What I've never understood is why there needs to be bathroom signs in the first place. Even though I'm a cis gendered female I've always thought the whole specific bathroom thing kind of ridiculous. And often times, like most ladies do at concerts, I find myself in the "men's" washroom. And while I agree, generally men's washrooms aren't the most sanitary, in my experience, when they are shared they become as pristine as the women's. This was especially refreshing in my Junior High School, while there was a pink side and a blue side there was no specific bathroom for each, and the stalls themselves were individual with a shared open sink. Why can't this be adopted in more places? Heck it worked for the hit 90's show Ally McBeal why hasn't it been adopted in more places?
Kirsten Tobias, Victoria British Columbia
09/22/11 2:01 AM EST
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Thank you.
This is me standing and applauding. I'm not gonna sit down for a long time, because I got a lot of applauding to do for you.
Elaine Miller, Vancouver BC
09/22/11 2:06 AM EST
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Thank-You
Thanks for posting this Ivan...I myself look like what most people think a female should look like but I am a lesbian and have dated some butch looking women who have been stared at and had the sign pointed out and called sir and told they were in the wrong bathroom....embarrasing for all involved. Why do we need signs and separate washrooms...???
Deidra Macbeth, Victoria BC
09/22/11 3:00 AM EST
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Thanks for saying it as well as you do
And thank you for talking 'bout the whole gender spectrum too. Another woman who thinks long and hard about using public washrooms (especially after seeing the Baltimore McD attack).
Danielle Macdonell, Vancouver BC
09/22/11 3:33 AM EST
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Her Problem, Not Mine!
I'm sorry but the last time I had a difficulty with someone in the ladies room, I asked them something like this: "Is this the hatred your preacher loves to teach you? Just because I'm two sexed doesn't mean I have no rights." And when they denied it, I asked them point blank why they called me, in my hearing, a faggot and a man in a dress? My intersex gives me and mine as much right to this room as any other woman, born or made. My medical condition is not up for debate, save by my doctor and I. And I asked her to reread what Jesus really said about hate, and the Law of Love. I only hope she did. You wrote a well crafted article, and infused it with a great deal of energy. This piece has my respect, keep fighting the good fight, especially for the girls of the next generation. Leynda
Leynda Erwin, Tucson AZ
09/22/11 3:46 AM EST
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Brava!
As a straight male, I had never really given the bathroom situation much thought, even as an ally for equality. Thank you for not only shedding light on this for me, but for articulating it so clearly and thoughtfully. You are an asset to humanity, and I mean that sincerely. ~Chris
Chris, Rochester MI
09/22/11 10:49 AM EST
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Thank you Ivan
Once again your writting bring up many good points in a well written and well humored way. I appreciate that. I'm a cis gendered female and when I choose to wear my hair long or wear 'womens clothing' no one thinks twice about my choice in washrooms. But for many years I had my hair buzzed short and I most often dress in t-shirts and work pants. And durring that time I was called sir, looked at funny by people and/or told I was going into the wrong washroom. For ME it was always pretty funny because I run a much smaller risk of being truly persecuted for the way I look than many genderqueer or trans folks do. I kind of enjoyed watching other people trip all over themselves to say things like 'oh, you are such a pretty girl, you don't look like a guy at all' etc after calling me sir. Other people are more uncomfortable with trying to figure out what gender I am than I myself am. All that being said I really wish all public washrooms were de-gendered. Urinals with walls to either side and stalls for those that prefer to sit down and have an end of trying to find the 'right' room. There has been more than one instance where I have chosen the 'wrong' one on purpose because there was a line at the ladies room and I really had to pee or a few times where I found the mens room but couldn't even FIND the ladies room. In the end it doesn't matter. We're all there to go pee and I highly object to ANYONE being made to feel uncomfortable about going pee! So thank you Ivan for continuing to try to educate people and thank you for the humor you put into that work because I truly think that makes the education more accessible for people then lecturing at them does. Thank you.
Ruth Stewart, Ridgway Colorado
09/22/11 11:28 AM EST
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(insert title here)
truly amazing person award goes to you. Just thought you should know.
L Hart, London Hounslow
09/22/11 11:55 AM EST
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SLOW CLAP
:::clap. clap. clap. clap.::::
Jeircho, Savannah GA
09/22/11 12:02 PM EST
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I wrote a little song about it, like to hear it?
Hey Ivan: Kelli Dunham here. I actually applied for a grant to make a video (with kids) and a coloring book about this very subject. The plan is to print the coloring books up and then hand them out to kids of tourists in Times Square (mostly from Middle America, hopefully middle Canada as well). I don't really think I'll get this grant, but eventually I'll get it done regardless. The song/video is thus: http://youtu.be/-EgCeH1d_e0. and the idea is that if you teach kids to respect gender identity, they will shame (or maybe annoy) their parents into better behavior. I am not sure how much I am kidding about this as an actual project. It doesn't seem as ludicrous now as it did when I started talking about it. Kelli Dunham
Kelli Dunham, Brooklyn NY
09/22/11 12:30 PM EST
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gender "Bent"
Dear Ivan, thought for sure you where in the middle of Canada when reading your post. Not that ignorance is strictly limited to the rural areas of our global communities. Even in San Francisco, within our own community we have ignorance and fear. Maybe one day, when the past generations way of thinking is looked upon as ludicrous, we will be able to move forward as a whole. But not until we teach and tell every single narrow minded soul out there that we are here and we are their children and parents will we not be rest. I also stand and applaud, xxx Vince, SF, with love
Vincent B., San Francisco United States
09/22/11 1:37 PM EST
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Thank you!
I have never been able to be this well-spoken or in fact say anything at all when this happens to me, just walk away and will myself not to cry, and be proud of who I am and how I present myself despite the "oh, it's not a man" comments, so thank you for your words.
Stacy Maskell, Hamilton Ontario
09/22/11 1:39 PM EST
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Thank you
Such a lovely, spot on account. Thank you. And yes, when you are about to piss your pants, who the hell has the opportunity to teach it as a teachable moment?
Udana Muldoon, Courtice ON
09/22/11 2:51 PM EST
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thank you
Thank you for writing this and writing it well. We need more brave words that explain our brave lives.
Jenny, Fridley Minnesota
09/22/11 3:45 PM EST
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Mixed-Gender Bathrooms are No Big Deal
Thanks for expressing what so many of us have wanted to say so many, many times. My first experience with mixed-gender bathrooms was at a summer college session in North Carolina when I was 16. There was a record drought that year, and in order to conserve water, the coed dorm only kept one bathroom open. Mind you, this wasn't only toilets; this was curtained shower stalls as well. Initially, there was quite a hue and cry from many residents, for all the usual reasons, but we were told this was the situation, and we had no choice but to deal with it and to be respectful. And that is exactly what happened. People dealt with it. And they were respectful. There was not one incident of privacy invasion; when people saw a closed stall or shower curtain, it became an inviolable wall that no one dreamt of trespassing. These were teenagers, mind you, who some would have you believe cannot resist that sort of temptation. They resisted it. They got used to showering next to and brushing their teeth elbow-to-elbow with people they'd never seen in a bathroom with them before. And they managed just fine. It's a shame it took an environmental crisis for that experiment to happen. But at least I'm now able to testify from experience that mixed-gender bathrooms are no big deal. At all.
Jules, Oakland CA
09/22/11 4:02 PM EST
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insight for the masses
I am always delighted by your work, and often moved to tears, better yet to action... and this piece has so moved me. Bathroom liberation means more than women leaving the endless line at a concert and doing an easy (if aromatically challenging) trip to the vacant Gents' down the hall. That gender and gender expression is a continuum is a concept I will write about, talk about, and demonstrate in any way possible-- and not simply by preaching to the enlightened choir. I vow to be vocal, to confront those who clear their throats but not their minds, who exercise their bigotry in passive-aggressive commentary, who shriek from their own judgement/fear... Thank you for once again illuminating a murky corner of reality for those who may wish to join the process of enlightenment.
Mary Nikakis, Sacramento California
09/22/11 6:31 PM EST
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shame on me?? no shame on you
A few years back, before I went on hormones, and changed my name, I was coming out of a single seater public bathroom. At the time I was a service tech for a commericial HVAC company. I was in my work uniform with my female gendered name printed boldly on my chest. As I left the bathroom a woman waiting to enter started to yell at me about being in the wrong bathroom, when I pointed to my name she then started to yell "shame on you, shame on you". I was not really sure why she was shaming me, what had I done? I went to the bathroom, I was wearing a uniform, I was dirty from having to grease a motor? I finally lost it and just yell right back at her, "Shame on me?? No SHAME ON YOU", then pushed past her. The funny thing is that when I first opened the door, in that split second before the yelling, my thought was hey a trans-woman, cool. I read her as trans, I quickly realized I was wrong! That was the straw that broke the camels back, I knew I made the right decision to go on hormones when I went to get my first perscription and the doctor thought I wanted female hormones. He read me as male, and thought I wanted to transition to female. I am home now, and have no shame about it. Ivan, if you read this, I was the nice facility worker that helped you and Bear out of the garage at SImmons College Boston MA last spring.
Stonie, Boston MA
09/22/11 10:03 PM EST
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Thank you!!
I experience this almost everyday while I am at work...in my work uniform with my name badge out (KAREN). I sometimes have hard time keeping my cool, but I have to keep my job. Recently I have taken to using the non-public bathroom located at the rear of the store or holding it! I get anxiety attacks every time I have to go pee. It is ridiculous. Thank you for the article! I hope all those who need to read this, do!!
Karen, Waterford Michigan
09/22/11 10:46 PM EST
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as usual...
... very well said. We all need to get behind the recent re-introduction of the bill to add gender identity and gender expression to our humans rights and related bills. Its going to be a tough go of it now that the Cons have a majority but it made it through Parliament once before, with enough pressure from Canadians we can get it passed again.
Rich, Toronto Ontario
09/23/11 2:14 AM EST
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thank you
let me said firstly that I'm glad you bring this up and share with us. I'm consider as straight woman, but proudly with male contour face. It happen a lot to me and I consider that as habit until I see this writing. I contemplate and realize I do also in rage every time it happen to me and why with all the silence all this time. Next time it happen again to me I will stood up and face those people with dignity that those behaviour must stop. thank you for your sharing
maria mustika, indonesia east java
09/23/11 4:21 AM EST
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a little of the other side.
There are so many hurts in this article, and in the comments that follow, and that's very sad. I would like you to consider the feelings of a straight woman, in the typical gender roles. She may, like me, legitimately think you're a male, and think you legitimately walked into the wrong bathroom. It's a woman's bathroom, where you go to expose your girly bits, you shouldn't have to share it with a man, if that makes you uncomfortable, which obviously it does, if they are pointing out that you're in the wrong bathroom. The idea of shared washrooms is great in theory, except for people like me, who are extremely uncomfortable with the idea that a man...who could be creepy, I don't know, could be peeing next to me, a mere squat and duck away from seeing me, and that frightens the hell out of me. I'm not saying any major part of the population would do this, but there are lots of bad people out there, who would take advantage of such things. Someone in their comment stated that everyone deserves to be comfortable in the bathroom,so doesn't the same hold true for those who are uncomfortable peeing next to someone of the opposite sex. I am sure there are a lot of males out there who don't want to pee in a urinal where women can see his manhood if they glance wrong. (true-this could be solved with no urinals, and just stalls)
Christine, Abbotsford British Columbia
09/23/11 10:46 AM EST
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A wife's perspective...
I am a woman who is married to another woman, who happens to have short hair and this issue of public restroom humiliation/bullying is a daily part of our lives. I can't tell you how many times we have been out enjoying a nice day together and have had to stop home in between our other destinations so my wife can feel comfortable enough to urinate. On the "rare" occasions that my wife should happen to venture into the public bathroom (much to my coaxing), I've witnessed the horror she has to go through. Not only is she faced with the silent judgement but many a times other women have verbally bashed her presence, to the point where I feel the need to come to her defense. I feel that most times, the women who choose to speak up, are not confused of her gender (my wife may have short hair, but just as noticeable as her short hair, are her "female" breasts), but rather use this opportunity to push their beliefs and opinions onto others. In fact I will go as far as to to say that most men would probably face a much nicer confrontation if they happened to accidentally go into the wrong public bathroom, than my wife who has the right to be in the female public bathroom, as much as every other woman in the "typical gender role". To all those who are married to a man, please ask yourselves how you would feel if your husband just so happened to be on the petite side and rocked a male ponytail, was harassed every time he used the public restroom. How would you feel having to be late to a movie on date night after leaving a restaurant, because you needed to swing by home so your husband could feel comfortable enough to use the bathroom? I would you feel being in a fit of anxiety every time waiting for him to leave the public bathroom? Ignorance is no excuse for rudeness and discrimination. I might be more lenient in my judgement if this wasn't 2011, where nowadays most people have enough common sense to recognize, that the
Amber, Penticton British Columbia
09/23/11 1:07 PM EST
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Story of my life!
Thanks Ivan for putting it all so well.
Cassidy, Toronto Ontario
09/23/11 4:51 PM EST
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Bravo!
I'll answer your gorgeously written essay with my facetious pie chart: http://cheezburger.com/View/4780229632
Arjuna, Northampton MA
09/23/11 6:31 PM EST
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thanks for making me think -
In my experience, if a man opens the door to the 'wrong' bathroom he is almost always the first one to let out a yelp, apologize and get the heck out of there. The idea that because someone doesn't want to be in a co-ed bathroom they have the right to question anyone who doesn't look like the skirt-wearing stick figure on the door, is just absurd. If someone is that concerned about who they share the bathroom with, then they should be the one to run home to pee and risk getting a bladder infection, not
Erica, Vancouver BC
09/23/11 6:42 PM EST
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this goes for office as well
Im sorry I dont look like the bleach blond bubble head that sits right in front with a skirt so short you can see her panties if there are any.. while I like to dress nice dont be mad because my suite and tie looks nicer than yours. be professorial. Im good at my job I work hard and get the job done with quantity and quality not a lot of ppl can say that
Ang, Delaware oh
09/23/11 6:59 PM EST
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rock on!
rock on sista! you are a beautiful womun!
elysabeth, vilcabamba loja
09/23/11 7:45 PM EST
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Think about us too!
As a straight woman I have to say that entering a women's bathroom and seeing a person who looks like a man in there gives me a start and makes me do a double-take and re-check whether I have chosen the proper room. How can you blame someone for doing that when you look like a man? As for the bad-mouthing and glares and all that stuff, of course it's not acceptable. But, think about how the other people feel as well - not just yourself.
nicole, kitchener on
09/23/11 8:25 PM EST
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@nicole Kitchener on
we get that you may be startled fine..but this is more of we are who we are as you are who you are. we dont judge others we dont hate we arent violent but everyday we are tried and put out to hang simply by how we look..I.E really short hair and maybe mens shoes... so nicole shut up when you dont know what the hell you are talking about...
whatevr, pickone whereever
09/23/11 9:10 PM EST
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The Spanish Poncho kid
After first having seen you on YouTube reading your piece entitled "A Butch Road Map", you began to put words to certain of my feelings that I had not unrecognized in myself for decades. I had forgotten completely about a picture of a 12-year-old kid in a straw hat, jeans and Spanish poncho, holding her BB gun. Since viewing Road Map, I have felt shaken awake, thinking "here's someone who is like me, a great deal" even though we've never even had so much as a conversation. However, relating to your stories makes me feel compassion when I read of you entering a public facility and getting even a piece of the above kind of response. I heartily wish that the world would not be like this for you or for anyone else. In your talks and in your prose, you seem to have spoken and written what is so very nearly myself, and I'm getting so that one of my sweetest dreams is to give an informative yet gentle lecture to that woman during that teaching moment while you go ahead and relieve yourself. (Teamwork, you know.) Thumbs up on this article. My heart goes out to your two little friends. Would that I could walk around with them, every single minute of every single day.
Heather Sutherland, Victoria British Columbia
09/23/11 9:17 PM EST
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Thank you, Ivan.
Brava, Ivan. Beautifully articulated. As another reader said, you are an asset to humanity. LaRita Heet
LaRita Heet, Kirkwood MO
09/23/11 10:42 PM EST
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good grief!
I have never understood why people are so concerned with who is in what bathroom. I always assume that the people who go into the women's restrooms are female, and those in the male restrooms are male, no matter what they look like on the outside. And unless someone is peeking under the stall (or the person is exposing him/herself) it is no-one's business what is under the clothes. But then, I always was a little 'odd'...
Karen Sciance, Norfolk Virginia
09/23/11 11:22 PM EST
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Some thoughts
I go to a college with gender neutral bathrooms, and there is a lot of logic to them. In fact, I once went to a restaurant with two bathrooms--each one a room with one toilet. The only difference was one was labeled "men" and the other "women." Because the ladies' room was occupied, I went to go into the men's room. An onlooker (middle-aged man) gaped and said, "You do know that's the men's room, right?" I simply raised and eyebrow and went in and peed. Why should I wait for the ladies' room when the men's room is no different (save the manly decor)? All of that said, different politics come into play when we're talking about multi-stalled bathrooms. In high school, I was repeatedly molested by a fellow classmate. He would take me to secluded areas and fondle me against my will. For that reason, I am easily startled by men in unexpected places. While I am a huge supporter of gender queer rights and do not subscribe to the gender binary, I also think we need to consider the implications of cismen being in women's bathrooms. When I'm in a stall with my pants down and genitals exposed, I feel very vulnerable and threatened knowing a man is there. Even rinsing my hands, there is a hint of worry that I may be assaulted once again. Plenty of men attack women in bathrooms, and, even if this were not the case, it can be very triggering to survivors of sexual abuse to see a male-bodied individual in a female designated area. I am not saying that the current male/female bathroom system is working, because it's not. It alienates an entire community of people, and that's not right. However, I do not think we should necessarily vilify a woman for being alarmed by a cisman in a female bathroom. In all likelihood, she is simply a product of our society, ignorant to the fluidity and flexibility of gender, but perhaps she had a similar experience to mine. The reality is millions of women in the US have been assaulted as some poi
Daria, Amherst MA
09/24/11 3:03 AM EST
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oh jeez
I'm not a cisman or trannie. I'm just a lesbian with short hair. I can't tell you how many times I've had straight women in bars give me attitude because they thought i was a guy. So dumb. Once I was wearing a tight tee and felt I had to point to my reasonably large breasts to prove I was female. The woman still wouldn't enter the bathroom after I assured her I was a female. However, a couple of times I tried using the male toilets at gay bars and was verbally abused both times by gay men, despite the women's toilets being regularly frequented by men and drag queens. I think people should just chill out and let other people use whatever facilities they like. Most people just want to go and pee and get out. There aren't all that many creepy people out there trying to look at your girly bits in well-lit and heavily used women's bathroom stalls.
Carla, Sydney Australia
09/24/11 8:02 AM EST
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Our Bathroom's Our Unisex!
The Centre for Social Innovation in Toronto www.socialinnovation.ca is a dynamic shared workspace for people with world-changing ideas and home to some amazing incubated projects and an incredibly diverse community. Their band new Annex location features unisex washrooms. This area is equipped with private individual stalls and a common sink/vanity area. The concept and function is so simple and there is no more separating people into genders! We hope others will take this "Our bathrooms are Unisex" concept and apply it in their communities.
Robb Huff, Toronto Ontario
09/24/11 9:08 AM EST
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Oh, how I wish....
... that you'd had the opportunity to deliver this IN PERSON to the woman whose reaction precipitated those words... Beautifully said.
Bobbi Zahra, Dartmouth Nova Scotia
09/24/11 1:01 PM EST
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Thank you!
This is a fantastic article, thank you for sharing your experiences and insights. I have accompanied friends to washrooms to avoid responses like you describe and witnessed such reactions. It is upsetting enough to see someone treat a friend that way, let alone yourself or small children. I think this article should be required reading for all!
Rebecca Saxon, State College PA
09/24/11 4:19 PM EST
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Oh, for heavens sake
Your article was okay. But - don't rag on a woman because she was startled by your looks and screamed. Has it ever occured to you that perhaps a man had harmed her before and that a washroom labelled WOMEN, LADIES or whatever, was HER safe place????? To write an article demeaning, almost ridiculing this woman goes to show that YOU, Ivan, think you should be given what you want,when you want it. Why not, start a campaign or lobby or what have you - yes you and all other trans-men and trans-women - get togheter and make it so that there is a washroom for those of you who have to 'think' harder than us straights as to what washroom to use. That way, you can pee or change your overloaded tampon in peace.
SIR, Vancouver BC
09/25/11 6:17 AM EST
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@SIR:
Oh, poor, poor cis woman! How dare she be ridiculed for being surprised by someone of different gender expression in the bathroom and proceeding to completely embarrass the person in question! How dare Ivan try to explain why she was rude! Trans folk should NEVER expect basic respect when they are simply trying to pee in peace! You "straights" deserve to never be bothered by people who express themselves differently from you. We should certainly be hidden from sight in our own "other" bathroom. Please to be noticing that my tone is positively dripping with sarcasm Your privilege is showing, SIR. The fact of the matter is that if that woman who screamed and made a fuss used the men's bathroom, she has less of a chance of being harassed about it than Ivan does. The attitude that you are displaying -- that trans and gender variant people should be kept separate from you "straights" -- is the exact reason that people who are different are being harasssed, assaulted, and murdered daily. We feel othered in MOST, if not ALL aspects of our lives. I think it's MORE than reasonable to want to be treated normally, or at least RESPECTFULLY, in a place that is supposed to be private, especially when our only offence is not appearing the way everyone else expects us to look. Maybe you should take a look at the aspects of your life that you take for granted -- public washroom use, being referred to by the correct pronouns, expecting your family and friends to support you no matter what, not losing your job because of how you dress, access to healthcare, freely being able to travel, clothing fitting your body properly -- and come back here and try again.
Ren, Toronto ON
09/25/11 1:29 PM EST
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Thank you!
Thank you so much for writing this and writing it as well as you did. My seven year old is already dealing with this issue and I have corrected more people than I would have liked already. I have known several women who have dealt with this issue and they have chosen to deal with it in different ways but for a child who may have not found her voice yet but can see and feel all the looks it is not acceptable for these to occur. I am actually thinking of printing this article and keeping it on hand to hand out as applicable! :) Thanks again!
Stacy, Belchertown MA
09/26/11 10:14 AM EST
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happy someone stood up
a few years ago a was visiting my biological father and a similar situation happened to a transgender male. He was dressed up as a female and decided to join us as we were having a few drinks at the bar. My mother, my aunt and I had no problem with him/her at all, we quite enjoyed his/her company, when it came time for all of us ladies to go to the washroom we had no problem sharing a washroom with him/her, but as soon as we were all leaving the washroom, the bar tender came up to the transgender male, and reprimanded him/her, and the rest of us were quite insulted by the gall of the bartender, if we as women had no problem with it, why would a male have a problem with it. We wondered how the bartender would have reacted if the transgender had gone into the men's washroom. It's really a catch 22 in society these days, but people should become more welcoming to the change people decide to make. They say it's unnatural to be gay, lesbian or transgendered, and as a straight women, i believe that god has created us all equal and made us who we are, despite the choice we make in the people we choose to love, and who we feel that we are.
Heather Schwartz, Saskatoon Saskatchewan
09/26/11 4:15 PM EST
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Remember me?
I remember you coming to Langley Fine Arts School last year. A couple of girls and I read poems and sang a song in Mrs. Knittel's class and it was probably the best time of that entire year for me, being someone who's moved from one small town to the next and never really knew much about myself. But once we heard your stories and listened to what you had to say, I felt compassion for who I was, and what I rejected within myself based on the status quo of conservatism. Now, being in a new, small town called Smithers, I am pressured to fall back on the self rejection and critical judgment by a conservative misinterpreted religious community once more. Now, I'm trying to combat one-sided argumentation against homosexuality and transgendered youth. I give you dedication to the point I've reached and thank you for visiting us.
Shauna Hunter Mclean, Langley Fine Arts, moved to Smithers BC
09/27/11 1:28 PM EST
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Couldn't have said it better myself
Thank you for posting this. You have taken the words right out of my mouth and heart, though your words are more eloquent than mine. It's just good to know that there are others that have these same type of issues. How wonderful that you can share them. A big Thank you being sent to Vancouver from Atlanta, GA USA.
Mari, Atlanta Georgia
09/27/11 3:42 PM EST
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I find the gents' more convenient
Dear Ivan, Thanks for that. I am a straight woman who uses the gent's toilet at work because it is on my floor, unlike the ladies toilet. Please could everyone lighten up. How different can it be? Cathy C
Cathy Crawford, LONDON UK
09/27/11 6:52 PM EST
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Kudos
My response was much less patient. I've experienced the stares and nods and coughs enough. Last summer, I had enough and after a little girl stared at me in the line up in the wash room for several minutes, her mother approached me outside the washroom. I walked by with frustration and the mother actually reached and grabbed my arm, asking "Is there a problem?". I told her her daughter wouldn't stop staring at me. To which she replied "well she's never seen a girl in the bathroom who looks like a man. That was it! I let it go on the spritzhead! " Well not every woman wears c**K sucker red lipstick and bleach blonde hair"! My poor partner was mortified. I embarrassed myself....but so vindicated in the moment. Sorry little kid. I really am.
JO, Sydney Nova Scotia
09/27/11 7:05 PM EST
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A little entitled
I'm sorry but if I saw someone who looked exactly like a male coming into or out of the female washroom I'd assume he's either lost or a perv. If you present as a man and have a man's name, what are you doing in the women's washroom. Whether or not you accept it, a woman would be entirely justified to feel threatened by someone who appears to be male in an assumed female only space.
Lindsay, Oshawa ON
09/28/11 11:13 PM EST
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Sorry, I don't follow.
I was once that 9 year old tomboy (who thought I might be trans) with "the bathroom problem"... Yet somehow I'm having trouble identifying with this author. I feel this is a part of their life they need to accept. Obviously cisgendered women are going to be alarmed by the presence of a person who doesn't appear to belong. If you want to attack this problem, don't blame the women who want to feel safe in their bathroom as much as you, but the lack of unisex or family bathrooms in the establishment. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, and you're not going to cure cisgendered folks of their ignorance or innocent shock when a transgendered person enters their gender-specific private space. At least not any time soon. I believe in picking your battles, and this one just isn't fair to the woman who was caught off guard.
Tara, ottawa ontario
09/29/11 12:05 AM EST
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Thanks
Many years ago I read an inspiring article in the New Yorker about a FtM transgendered person. It taught me the difference between the identified gender (who I am), the attractive gender (who I like), and the attracted gender (who likes me). I was astounded by that time in this person's struggle when they found that lesbians weren't attracted to them because they were too Male. The struggles endured by a transgendered human, no mater what stage of the possible surgical progression, are beyond my comprehension. I thank you for this calm discussion and wish you happiness. The Eroticist (TheEroticist.Com)
The Eroticist, Los Angeles California
09/30/11 7:16 PM EST
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The bathroom at Hogwarts
I'm a seminarian. I attend the GTU, which is often warmly referred to by its attendees as Hogwarts. We even have Quidditch. In these magical halls, we have bathrooms. On those bathroom doors, there are signs. On each of the two doors to the two bathrooms, identified as you might expect with the usual binary gender signs, hangs a larger sign that says "TRANSGENDERED." It ain't the mall, but it's a start. Your piece may be one of the best articulations I've seen in print of this dilemma. Being genderqueer myself & the partner of a person transitioning (like we're all not, somehow), I now have a place to send people to help them learn how their uninformed, knee-jerk reactions can cause great pain to others. Maybe someday, as Kelli said, folx will realize that "Everybody's got to pee, so leave my gender up to me!" Thank you!
Deborah Addington, Berkeley CA
09/30/11 9:05 PM EST
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No, not quite
I concede that, unjustly, you must do what offers you safety and I'm deeply sorry that you do not often find reasonable accomodation made for the fact that you do not fit neatly into the standard pigeonholes and I'm deeply sorry that you so often encounter hostility and ridicule but I will not sacrifice my own safety to yours. Sorry, but if I'm alone in the ladies' room and encounter a person I percieve to be male, I have to assume that they are up to no good until I'm given decent cause to believe otherwise. A man in the ladies room is a threat to my well being and I will not surrender my right to protect myself in order to avoid giving you (or the perfectly nice man accompanying his young daughter) an uneasy moment or hurt feelings. I'll settle down pretty quick if you have the kindness to explain yourself (and again, I'm sorry you have to)but I will scream and I will ask you what the hell you're doing in the ladies restroom. You have a great many very legitimate complaints about society's failures but you do not have a right to say I should be less vigilant about my own safety as part of the remedy for society's failings.
Bonnie Talbot, Portland Oregon
09/30/11 11:02 PM EST
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My usual answer to the screaming reaction
i usually just simply stare the screaming queens down and pointedly state "I. Know." and the walk right on by them to the nearest stall to take a piss. Let them do their own therapy, I've already done mine.
Peeshynomore, Northampton MA
10/01/11 10:55 AM EST
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Irrational hysterical women
What's the point in screaming and getting all nasty? Occasionally I've seen women walking into the mens bathroom by mistake or for whatever reason and at no point have I ever felt the need to scream and make a big scene and any men who are also in the bathroom don't make a scene either. Bonnie all you are doing is feeding into the stereo-type that women are irrational and totally incapable of analyzing a situation without flying into hysterics. If there is any social flaw here it's that we seem to think that infantile public hysterics are okay when they come from presumably straight female bodied women.
George, Barndon Manitoba
10/01/11 1:07 PM EST
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Boys might not be boys.
My son is harassed in the bathroom at school because he chooses to pee sitting down in the stall instead of standing up at the urinal. He also has long hair and definitely doesn't perform his gender "correctly". The good news is that he pretty much refuses to back down from who he is. Which makes me proud. Keep up the hard, good, important fight against gender tyranny.
Audrey, Charlottetown PEI
10/19/11 10:13 PM EST
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lovely but
This is a great piece - beautifully written and sensitive. I hope I would never be the lady who screams at you or anyone like that. I can't imagine that I would really care. BUT, that being said, I happen to know two women who were attacked by men in women's washrooms. One of them was quite young when it happened. So, that lady's scream could have come from simple intolerance, or be rooted in genuine fear of men. That's all I wanted to say.
Leila, Montreal Quebec
10/25/11 4:25 PM EST
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As much as I want to...
support every word of this well-written, thoughtful piece, and as uptight and judgmental the woman in question seems, it would be nice to get a recommendation for women's actions when a man enters the women's washroom (and for everyone asking why we need separate washrooms at all – I don't think it's because of all the women who want to peek over the urinals). As a butch bi woman, in my teenage years I did get 'the look' when I was in drag, which I'd ignore or, if the woman looked nice (okay cute), I'd say 'Don't worry, just didn't feel like putting on lipstick.' I know it's not my place to make everyone around me comfortable, but just because my gender or sexual preference doesn't fit into a neat little box doesn't mean I live in a context-less society. And despite my experiences, I have freaked out when a man was in the women's washroom at work – he was pacing down, by the (quite open) stalls, humming, so I told him I was calling the cops (from my stall) and he fled. I guess he could have been in transition, all 6ft something of him, but I don't think so... and if he had, I wonder how I was supposed to know.
JaneJonSmith, Aylmer QC
11/19/11 11:26 AM EST
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