Hats off to beautiful femmes
LOOSE END / Thank you for looking at me the way you do
Ivan E Coyote / National / Thursday, July 30, 2009
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To all the beautiful, kick ass, fierce and full-bodied femmes out there, I would like to extend my thanks to you.

It is for you that I press my shirts and carefully iron my ties. It is for you that I make sure my underwear and socks match. It is to you that I tip my cowboy hat. It is for you that I polish my big black boots.

I know that sometimes you feel like nobody truly sees you. I want you to know that I see you. I see you on the street, on the bus, in the gym, in the park.

I don’t know why I can tell that you are not straight, but I can. Maybe it is the way you look at me. Please don’t stop looking at me the way you do.

All of my life I have been told that I am ugly, I am less than, I am not a man, I am unwanted. Until you came along, I believed them. Please do not ever stop looking at me the way you do.

I would never say that the world is harder on me than it is you. Sometimes you are invisible. I have no idea what this must feel like, to pass right by your people and not be recognized. To not be seen. I cannot hide, unless I am seen as something I am not. This is not more difficult, it is just different.

I know those shoes are fucking killing your feet. I want you to know how much I appreciate that you are still wearing them. You look hot. I love you in them. They look great with that dress.

If it makes you feel any better at all, the boots I have on right now weigh approximately 12 pounds apiece and they make the soles of my feet burn like diaper rash in a heat wave and it feels like I’m wearing ski boots when I have to walk up stairs. But I wear them for you.

Even still, my new boots are velvet slippers compared to your knee-high five-inch heels. I notice, and I salute you.

I promise, I am not just staring at your tits. I am trying to look you directly in the eyes, but you are almost eight inches taller than me, please see above note regarding your five-inch heels. At the same time, I would like to mention that while I was trying to look you in the eyes, I couldn’t help but notice your lovely new pendant. I am sure it really brings out the colour of your eyes, if I could see them.

I want to thank you for coming out of the closet. Again and again, over and over, for the rest of your life. At school, at work, at your kid’s daycare, at your brother’s wedding, at the doctor’s office. Thank you for sideswiping their stereotypes.

I never get the chance to come out of the closet, because my closet was always made of glass. But you do it for me. You fight homophobia in a way that I never could. Some of them think I am queer because I am undesirable. You prove to them that being queer is your desire.

Thank you for loving me because of who I am and what I look like, not in spite of who I am and what I look like.

Thank you for smelling so good.

Thank you for holding my hand on the sidewalk during the hockey playoffs. I know it is probably small-minded of me to smile wicked at all the drunken dudes in jerseys smoking outside the sports bar in between periods because you are so fucking hot, and you are with me and not them, but I can’t help it. That’s right fellas. You want her but she wants me. How do you like them apples?

Thank you for wearing matching bra and panties. I don’t know why this makes my life seem so perfect, but it really does.

Thank you for being the daughter my mother always wanted. You are so smart and successful and you dress so fine that you almost make up for her having me and my sister for her real children.

Thank you for reaching out in the dark at the movie theatre to grab my hand in the scary parts. It makes me feel like I am strong, that I can take care of you. Even if there is no such thing as vampires, and you do so much yoga that you could probably easily kick my ass.

I want you to know I love your crooked tooth, your stretch marks, the missing part of your finger, your short leg, your third nipple, your lazy eye, your cowlick, your birthmark shaped like Texas. I love it all.

I want you to know that I know it is not always easy to love me. That sometimes my chest is a field full of landmines and where you went last night you can’t go tomorrow. There is no manual, no roadmap, no helpline you can call. My body does not come with instructions, and sometimes even I don’t know what to do with it. This cannot be easy, but still, you touch me anyway.

Thank you for escorting me into the women’s washroom because the floor of the men’s was covered in something unmentionable. Thank you for asking me if I had a tampon in my purse really loud so the lady in the turquoise sweatshirt did a double take before gathering up her daughter and hitting me with a pool noodle. I can’t say for sure whether that is what actually would have happened, but thanks to you I didn’t have to find out.

Thank you for wearing that dress just because you knew it would match my shirt. Together, we are unstoppable. When seen through your eyes, I am beautiful. Turns out I was a swan the whole time.


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Reader Comments


 
Thank you!
Well. I know that I am going to be late for work.. but i just wanted to tell you thank you...I am writing this as tears come down my face....I am one of the femmes that you write about.. thank you for expressing what goes on in my partners brain... thank you for understanding us femmes.... thank you! Are you on face book? would love to "friend" you! Blessings Ifé Franklin.
Ifé Franklin, Roxbury Ma.
07/31/09 8:35 AM EST
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No, thank you...
Thank you for noticing us. Thank you for loving us with all of our faults and differences. Thank you for being true to yourself and allowing us to be true to ourselves. Allowing and encouraging us to be the girlie, emotional, sensitive, complex souls that we are. Thank you for noticing that we must make the choice multiple times a day to fight the stereotypes placed on us - that we must come out of the closet every single day. Some of us do so with fear, some with pride, and some with a little bit of both - but we do so knowing you will be there to wipe our tears should our hearts get hurt or to celebrate with us should we be welcomed. Thank you. Thank you for seeing us. For seeing us for who we are. And thank you for sharing with us how we are viewed. I, for one, feel a little more sexy, a little more beautiful, and a little more appreciated today. Thank you...from my heart to yours...
Beautiful Disaster, Lewisville Texas
07/31/09 9:56 AM EST
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Thank you Ladies, truly...
This article is so very true. I had to read it a couple of times because I don't think I could have said it any better if it had come from my own heart/brain/mouth. This says so much, and then some. Ivan you rock for putting this down on print/web. Thank you again Ladies, for putting up with some of our fluffed out chests, for our assholiness (what? it's a word!)for our Blue/Brown/Green/Hazel eyes for being greener with jealousy at times when we have absolutely nothing to worry about. And for those times when we just need to rest our weary heads on your laps/breasts/shoulders while the world around us sometimes passes us by for things that we have to accept, but don't want to. It is to you that I raise my Pepsi this morning and wink my eye as I pass you by knowing full well that you are on our side.
Andi, Huntington Beach California
07/31/09 10:30 AM EST
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Ta Very Much
On behalf of all UK femmes, thanx lots! ;) x www.myspace.com/rosamojo
Maria Rosa Young, Camden London
07/31/09 10:55 AM EST
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Thanks brother
Thank you for your eloquent words. I could not have said it better myself.
Campbellx, London London
07/31/09 11:25 AM EST
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Right On!
Thanks for expressing so well what us butches feel about our femmes!
E.T., Nanaimo B.C.
07/31/09 12:02 PM EST
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Your very welcome....
...but thank you. Such a wonderful dedication to us femmes. Not only honest but with humor and love.
Deviant Dyke, Chicago U.S.A.
07/31/09 12:26 PM EST
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xo
Thanks so much! I don't think I ever read anything that made me feel so appreciated as a femme. You made my day, Ivan. Thanks for totally getting it!
grace, Seattle WA
07/31/09 12:47 PM EST
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wow..
thank you for sharing what it's like to be you and for recognizing what it's like to be me. You hit it right on.
VAinWI, Milwaukee WI
07/31/09 12:55 PM EST
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Thank you, Ivan
Thank you so much for expressing this. It means so much. I teared up in the library, reading it... so many days we are so invisible. Thank you for seeing us, really seeing us.
Mahala, Austin TX
07/31/09 1:03 PM EST
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Ohhhhhhhhh
What a keeper. I will read it again and again and again. And I will never stop looking at you the way I do. See you at BV '09!
Jill Nagle, Berkeley, CA USA
07/31/09 1:03 PM EST
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Thank YOU!
For all the butches out there that find it hard to express themselves, you have helped them find words. I'm sure my man would agree w/you on most every point. He does not like me to identify him as a woman...EVER. I won't even tell you what he does in the ladies room! I blush. I'm 5/11, he's 5/6. ;-) He sees my eyes tho. Right on and cheers to you! Thank you for putting words in the mouths of butches everywhere.
Diana McLaughlin, Palo Alto, CA USA
07/31/09 1:18 PM EST
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Thank you...
Thank you for this. I sat here crying as I read it.. your way with words is indescribeable and this one cut right to my heart. Thank you. I think that femme has come a long way and will continue to go a long way. Some days I feel old-school... old-fashioned.... a stereotype even within the confines of my chosen Queer Femme identity. I am not femme because my partner is butch - and yet.. and yet there is something about the interplay between us that is a part of the crafting of who I am. For me, our identities are linked. It is the yin and yang of partnership with a butch - a butch who UNDERSTANDS, who I understand in turn... it is that energy exchange of perfect balance that gives me the freedom to simply be myself. It may not be the most feminist way of thinking - but it is a part of me, and I choose to honor it.
Lisa Papez, Vancouvdr BC
07/31/09 2:38 PM EST
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beautiful...
...so well said, eloquent, touching, honest, sweet, supportive and all the rest. Cheers to femmes and the butches who appreciate them.
Tara, Toront Ontario
07/31/09 3:36 PM EST
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A grateful woman
Ivan, I love these lines.... "Some of them think I am queer because I am undesirable. You prove to them that being queer is your desire." I desire your words, your naked perspective, your voice of influence on society and your romantic esteem for for that which is private.
Susan, Seattle WA
07/31/09 3:40 PM EST
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Femmes rule the world
This is such a great article. I love me some femmes and have never felt more loved than in their arms. thank you for being able to articulate things I could never find the words for.
Max, Detroit MI
07/31/09 4:06 PM EST
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wow...
Such a Beautiful piece! Thank you! I want all the femmes in my life to read this, absolutely incredible :D
Milo, Toronto ON
07/31/09 4:09 PM EST
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Thank you
Your words made me cry. You truly do understand what it is like to be a gay femme in the world. I look forward to meeting a butch who understands us the way you do.
Leslie, Oakland CA
07/31/09 4:27 PM EST
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Beautiful
Thanks so much. I cannot tell you how important, special and totally VALIDATING it is to be seen with words like these. Hopefully you'll get the email with my own journal post from last year about butches entitled "a love letter." I'd love to put a smile on your face like you've done for all of us.
Peggy Sue, East Coast USA
07/31/09 4:47 PM EST
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Femme's rock...
Thank you! Nice to read how wonderful femmes are. Just wish there were more femmes here in Oakland for some of us single butches. hollr ;)
gunner, oaktown usa
07/31/09 5:06 PM EST
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Thank you...
for telling me how you feel, for making it real, for seeing me as I am: a femme! This is beautiful and I cried. Seeing a butch always makes my day and I always smile.
Elsbeth, Portland, Oregon
07/31/09 5:08 PM EST
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Sometimes I feel
like a mermaid - part one thing, part something else, or a cactus - prickly, taking nourishment from dry ground... It's often lonely. But your words are a balm for this prickly mermaid. :)
Ryn, Brooklyn New York
07/31/09 6:03 PM EST
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You Help Me Feel Good about Myself
Thanks Ivan for the article ... helps make me feel good about myself! Sorry I missed you when you were in town last week. Elizabeth passed on your hug to me. It was good!
Catherine Purdie, Ottawa Ontario
07/31/09 6:55 PM EST
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Oh my goodness
Thank you, Ivan. This really means so much.
Lynsey, Glasgow Scotland
07/31/09 7:44 PM EST
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wow...
all of a sudden, i don't feel alone. thank you.
Jean-Claude, Paris France
07/31/09 8:50 PM EST
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My My My
How wonderful it feels to be seen, how fantastic to read such a testimonial, how sublimely put. Thank You!
Shawn Marie, Texas USA
07/31/09 10:11 PM EST
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the truth
you read my mind...and thoughts I have yet to discover. Well DonE!
kip, vancouver BC
07/31/09 11:11 PM EST
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gratitude
hey there, a dear femme friend from London sent me the link to your text and I was so touched to read you! Thank you for writing that. Thank you for naming in your words what makes butches and femmes hot to each other. Thank you for appreciation, and loving our kind. It makes me smile! The first time I met a butch I thought "this is it". Something that cannot be explained. Something strong and irrational. This is it. The way her hair is slicked back, the way her body moves and the way she looks at me. There is many kinds of butches but my heart belongs to the fifties. And nobody better than a butch can impersonate Johnny Depp in 'Cry Baby'. There is something about female masculinity that is unique and truly sexy. Thanks for making my heart beat, thanks for making me want to wear garter-belts and heels, thank you for being what you are. In our eyes you are the hottest thing on earth. Boy-girls, thank you for existing. Love from Copenhagen! A Parisian femme on tour with the Queer X Show.
wendy, paris berlin san francisco joy
08/01/09 7:04 AM EST
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good writing and other resources
Fabulous as usual, Ivan. Really, thank you for being fabulous. Since you mention visibility, let me suggest Visible: A Femmethology. It's a new two volume set chock full of perspectives (including some like yours). Big Love, Kimberly
Kimberly Dark, Pahoa Hawaii
08/01/09 11:33 AM EST
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Beautiful
My dear you are a beautiful writer and a beautiful person, in all respects. Thanks for doing what you do, as my life is richer for it.
Jomichele, Powell River British Columbia
08/01/09 3:29 PM EST
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thank you
others heve said this far more eloquently bit thank you. you moved me to tears with your writing. Tania
tania sparkles, Melbourne Australia
08/02/09 2:09 AM EST
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from one Butch to another
That is so SPOT ON... & I don't even date Femme's,... I am Happily married to another Butch & I do all those things for hym & hy does all those things for me... It doesn't matter who we are with in life as long as your partner is appreciated...
Dee, Tasmania Australia
08/02/09 4:58 AM EST
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Thank you
from a queer femme that is more invisible than most thank you so much
Moira, Manchester United Kingdom
08/02/09 11:32 AM EST
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Sigh
Trite.
anon, Vancouver BC
08/02/09 4:14 PM EST
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Butches wear ties, Femmes wear high heels.
Seriously? Ivan, there was so much more you could have done with these thoughts but instead you've written a greeting card. Scratch that, this piece reads like a 'Life's Like That' column I'd find in a queer Reader's Digest. You're a writer? So challenge your readers rather than pandering to their sentimentality.
Perturbed, London UK
08/02/09 4:21 PM EST
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Fabulous.
Thank you :)
Victoria, Sydney Australia
08/03/09 12:28 AM EST
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Thank you...
None of those words were new, none of those ideas were a surprise, but this open letter is one of the most important thing I've read about Fem-Butch love. Thank you for sharing your feelings about fems because I only really know what fems feel about butches. It's good to feel understood, desired and supported.
Jolie Rouge, London Shoreditch
08/03/09 4:31 PM EST
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I'm feelin it.
Thanks again Ivan, For all your writings that continue to remind us, of the things we need to remember, to appreciate, to respect and never forget, each day as we walk down the street and see each other out there. I'm gonna try and remember to smile more often at the beautiful femms I see walking down the street..
Raynee Taylor, Vancouver BC
08/03/09 5:07 PM EST
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That was beautiful...
It brought tears to my eyes... Thank you for writing that Ivan.
Melissa Clarke, Ottawa Ontario
08/04/09 10:17 AM EST
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BEAUTIFUL
Ivan,thanks, I think the femmes of the world needed to know they are appreciated!! You are not invisible femmes U R LOVED!!
Rose Mack, Canton, MI USA
08/04/09 10:38 AM EST
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Wow....
Ivan, you are a gem. Thank you for making my day. As a Femme who truely appreciates the wonderful complexities of my beloved Butches, it is nice to hear the appreciation you have for what we do everyday to be seen and loved by YOU. We will NEVER stop looking at you 'that' way cause its the little smile of appreciation you give us back that makes all our efforts worth it. ((HUGS))
Charmaine, Toronto ON
08/06/09 5:52 PM EST
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Simplicity at its simpering best
Oh that the complexity of life could truly be made so simple. Blech. Time for a staff writer with some talent, please. This one's name can't carry her much further for much longer.
julia, edmonton alberta
08/07/09 12:56 PM EST
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Oh Julia!
Wow, what a blatant display of bitterness. All I want to say is that if you do not see the amazing talent that Ivan has I feel sorry for you. That said maybe his writing is just not for you. You can see by the multiple previous posts that her column this month touched many people. I don't think this piece was meant to over simplify life at all but instead thank those who face it day after day. Remember your not reading news here your reading a column that can be interpreted many ways and may not be applicable to you. I sincerely hope that is the reason and not that your just overly bitter and jealous of the love and respect that was written into every line.
JJ, Calgary Alberta
08/07/09 1:28 PM EST
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Substance from Xtra
One of the most inspirational articles Xtra has ever published. Thank you Ivan. Hopefully there will be more from you. To the other writers on Xtra - take a lesson.
Fred, Toronto Ontario
08/07/09 3:41 PM EST
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what would Woodie say?
Every time I read a (usually) anonymous nasty note after a column comes out, I read this quote by Woodie Guthrie. It helps me remember why I keep writing a monthly column here, after nearly ten years. "I hate a song that makes you think that you are not any good. I hate a song that makes you think that you are just born to lose. Bound to lose. No good to nobody. No good for nothing. Because you are too old or too young or too fat or too slim too ugly or too this or too that. Songs that run you down or poke fun at you on account of your bad luck or hard traveling. I am out to fight those songs to my very last breath of air and my last drop of blood. I am out to sing songs that will prove to you that this is your world and that if it has hit you pretty hard and knocked you for a dozen loops, no matter what color, what size you are, how you are built, I am out to sing the songs that make you take pride in yourself and in your work. And the songs that I sing are made up for the most part by all sorts of folks just about like you. I could hire out to the other side, the big money side, and get several dollars every week just to quit singing my own kind of songs and to sing the kind that knock you down still farther and the ones that poke fun at you even more and the ones that make you think you've not got any sense at all. But I decided a long time ago that I'd starve to death before I'd sing any such songs as that. The radio waves and your movies and your jukeboxes and your songbooks are already loaded down and running over with such no good songs as that anyhow." Remembering these words by Woodie Guthrie usually works for me.
Ivan Coyote, Vancouver BC
08/10/09 8:27 PM EST
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So sweet!
Thank you so much for this post Ivan. It was beautiful and sweet. And the luckiest Femme in the world is the one who has you beside her. You are a true romantic, chivalrous, gentlemanly Butch - a rare thing these days.
BarbRyan, Sicklerville NJ, USA
08/13/09 6:00 PM EST
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A frustrated artist?
Julia, You can't be serious. Her name can't carry her any further? As if that's all she's ever produced. Let's see now Coyote's FOUR published story collections are Close to Spider Man, One Man's Trash, Loose End and The Slow Fix. There was also Boys Like Her with the Taste This collective. What else? Coyote's novel Bow Grip won the 2007 ReLit Award and was named the Stonewall Honor Book of the year by the American Library Association. Coyote has also won the Danuta Gleed Short Fiction Prize, been twice short-listed for the Ferro-Grumley Women's Fiction Award and in 2008, Loose End was a finalist for VPL's One Book, One Vancouver program. What have YOU done lately?
Brenda Barnes, Whitehorse Yukon
08/13/09 6:33 PM EST
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Tip o'the hat!
It isn't simple-minded to be straightforwardly appreciative and to represent one's own experience directly. A piece of writing doesn't have to address all of life's bedeviling complexity to be worthwhile. We all know that things are confusing and hard, but a witty, warm, gentle and revealing love letter makes the day go easier. Ivan, you put your feelings out there, and with style. That's what writers do, and it's well worth the risk. Hats off to you!
Joellen, Vancouver BC
08/18/09 7:59 PM EST
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Thank You
Thank you Ivan, your words lush so and beautiful. You show a keen understanding of what makes many of us femmes femme. A few tears welled in my eyes whilst reading this, a rarity for me. Keep writing, you have a stalwart fan now!
Jane G., Vancouver BC
08/21/09 11:30 PM EST
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Cheers sir!
Ivan, yet again a piece of your writing has reinforced my hope in the human spirit(sorry to make you blush). You've been an inspiration since a friend pointed me in the direction of "closer to spider man)and since them I read and reread everyone of those most amazing stories of small town life, so rich with detail and often brimming with humour and joy. This ode to the beauty of femmes is also a true gem. You've made me proud to be queer, so deeply have I identified with your tales of growing up as a Tomboi. You even make me homesick for the Yukon, and I've never even been to Canada! haha I'd love to see one of your book readings some day. Until then man I'll raise a glass to you!
Bertie, Winchester U.K Hamphire
08/25/09 6:48 PM EST
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So glad I found it here!
My copy of XWest got recycled and I've been looking for this to post on my fridge. I loved reading it and will enjoy reading it again and again. Thank you! It spoke to that part of me that feels she is not taken seriously when flirting with women who don't know I'm gay.
Julie, Vancouver BC
09/05/09 5:30 PM EST
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thank you
another beautiful and tender story, ivan. thank you for being so vulnerable as to pour your ideas out in such graceful ways. they always warm my heart. oh and by the way, you are beautiful. i've had a crush on you for years :)
sam, bourbon, tn bc
10/05/09 3:44 AM EST
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