As reported on Xtra.ca yesterday, someone offered Ricky Martin $1 million to do porn. I don't mean to be a bitch, but they should really offer him $1 million to go back in time and come out of the closet when it mattered. I will better-late-than-never all over your face if you try to pull a Pollyanna and tell me that his coming out is better than his not coming out at all. Seriously.

Anyway, all of Ricky's troubles got me to thinking about these two videos: 

The connection is fairly obvious, isn't it? So many shameless grabs for attention... some talented, some not-so-talented... so little time.

Tonight's the opening to Kick-Ass... if you're looking for something to do this weekend, my money is on that movie, so get your tickets early. I've just started a new training program and will talk about that next week here on Up Your Alley.

I'm also going to swing by the AccolAIDS 2010 Awards Gala on Sunda, and you can expect to see some coverage on that next week in my print column. Hope to see you out and around! Enjoy the sun. Holla!

2010 you say? No. It couldn't. It shouldn't. It oughtn't. It musn't. It shant. Oh what the hell, it is.

10 years ago from today I was in Australia ona working visa. Between that time and now, things went sideways:

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What a decade. Somewhere in all that madness, I also managed to get run over by a truck while walking on the side of a highway, deal with my mother passing, get engaged and not go through with it, write a book, be on the back of an elephant while it attacked a raft full of people in Thailand (I know) and co-create and co-star in a TV show.

Bad start, strong finish. Last year, I posted these resolutions to kickstart 2009. The year didn't really turn out how I thought it would, but committing to make some changes in a public forum is one of the best motivators I know of. So if you are planning on making some resolutions this year, post it on Facebook for your friends and family to see. It will help you keep your goals.

Here's to 2010:

1) Defined abs

Same goal as last year. The LL Cool J platinum work out did wonders for me last year (remember Abtastic 2009?) but troublems at the end of this summer combined with a back injury in November has taken away a lot of what I gained last year. Which is why I'm going to undertake a similar workout program (deciding this week) and also try the 300 workout with a friend.

2) Yoga

Once every two weeks. Back injury was from not stretching properly, which has also created some other problems (plantar fasciitis). Working out is great, but make sure your training program is a comprehensive one. Not stretching properly for two - three years is a BAD idea.

3) Stay in better touch with family

Don't be a stranger, you hear? Cause I won't be this year.

4) Publish second book

It's reading period for a number of publishers and the book I've cowritten with a friend of mine in Toronto over the past two years is finally finished. Will 2010 be a yes? Damn right it will be.

5) Finish travel show pitch, film sizzle reel and shop to networks

I've been lucky enough to achieve almost all of the goals I set out for myself in my 20s. But girl is turning 30 in 2011 and needs to get BIZZAY! This has been a dream of mine for the past few years. The idea and basic structure are solid. This means footing the bill for a filming trip late spring/early summer and building a three-season plan. Can I do it? I guess we'll see.

**Happy New Year!**

Let's just say that my recent back troublems have left me with an unexpected bonanza of spare thinking and doing time, most of which occurs whilst lying on the floor. Understanding and also perhaps mocking my plight, DeepThroat sent me the follow pictures this morning. I think they discriminate against the circumsized. But hey, be an innovator. Find a way to replicate them sans foreskin or create something new and different on your own.

**PUBE ALERT**

The following photo and hyperlink are not open office concept friendly. Enjoy.

I bet you never thought you'd see those three words in a sentence. But sickeningly poignant and haunting as they are, the fact is that once you say it, you can't take it back. So for humpday, I leave you with that harrowing image. Just deserts, perhaps, for the agony of watching her flounder through scenes on Entourage opposite yet another nemesis of mine: Adrian Grenier.

Their love scenes still make my rage-o-meter max out at "murderize" in five seconds or less.

Anyway. I guess the following DOL video indicates that, despite her other troublems, Mandy Moore has a sense of humour at least:

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So. I've devoted this week to finishing my second book. It's going to be a tribute to fashion. I'm co-writing with Toronto friend/playwright/author David Brock. Alas. He is straight. I know. Shocking. But still, he knows his way around a blank sheet of paper. If you know what I mean.

As you can probably tell by this non-sensical drivel, it's been a hard day at the home office for yours truly. Ever wondered what it takes to write a book? Stop wondering. It will drive you mad. Mad. MAD!

In any case, another good friend o' mine, however, has been sending me links non-stop. Although I hear he'll be starting his own blog soon, foolish is the man who refuses free gifts of internet weirdness when they are directly mailed to my inbox.

Check it out:

As you see, this comes from explainthisimage.com.

As promised, here goes:

Step 1: Clean your patio. Everyone knows that homosexuals have clean patios. This isn't a stereotype. It's just how it is, okay?

Step 2: Tie an old craptop to your penis. Do not tie a new laptop. If your penis was to fall off and the new laptop was to break, the only person who could understand most of your troublems would be a living, breathing, life-sized Ken Doll...and what would he know, anyway?

Step 3: Set up your Canon megapixel something-or-other and make sure to tilt it on the up angle. You are like a god. Do not let your camera ruin your big moment.

Step 4: Dig out that sign you used to wear to creative writing class in university. They didn't understand how serious you were then, but they certainly will now.

Step 5: Light your torches. (Obviosuly)

Step 6: Set the timer on your camera and make sure you set the camera to take many pictures instead of just one. You didn't tie a craptop to your dick for nothing.

Step 7: Stand up on your favourite patio chairs and stand tall and proud! Yeah you are! Shit, girl! You are the ruler of the free world! The many millimeters your penis will gain from this is definitely worth it. Gold star.