You know what they say: spring fevers bring summer slut showers... and Up Your Alley is here to give you tools to successfully fend for yourself during dates (remember this and this and this).

Things you shouldn't say on your date, on your dating profile or to any living person in general? Check this out:

Vancouver nightlight fixture/party promoter Tommy D invited me to join him for a FAG OUT podcast in February to talk about the Kiss and Tell columns (for past posts click here and here). The fact is: almost everyone I know, queer and straight, has used an internet "dating" service at least once.

The other night, I got to thinking. Judging from my long/seamy/checkered history of online experiences, I've come to the conclusion that there are really only two types of internet dates.

There's the one where you go home after meeting someone for a beer or coffee or dinner or what have you and never speak to them again.

And then there's the one where you take that two-dimensional--though handsome--LOL'er home after meeting them, have an awkward-to-mediocre sexual experience, and then never speak to them again.

Now I'm sure there's a lot of men and women who have an online hookup fetish and may have the best sex of their lives with a stranger they meet on Craigslist or Lavalife or Manhunt or eHarmony or Dlist, but that ain't me, folks. I even pulled out the black book to check names/question marks to make sure. Next I hauled out my favourite stone abacus and tallied, then extrapolated the figures and grafted a sexy pie chart (see below).

It turns out that I have only had one fantastic one-night stand--yeah that's it: ONE--and that was with someone I met in a night club.

That's not a good ratio.

Which makes me wonder: in matters of online dating, do the LOLs have it?

(I didn't actually make this pie chart, but found it here)

Kiss and Tell: Generation Y (Oct 8)

In 2008, a number of articles began appearing online and in print media arguing that internet dating sites have irreparably damaged the queer community. They claim that the majority of queer youth are now socialized online instead of though more traditional methods, such as visiting bars or other gay meeting spaces, and that the consequence-free online environment increases the incidence of unsafe sexual practices across all age groups.

The World Wide Web went commercial in 1994. By 1996, web browsers like Netscape and Internet Explorer pushed the World Wide Web out of tech labs and into regular households—you guessed it—worldwide.

 For the first time in history, with access to a computer and dial up connection, anyone could access information about sexuality and queer history, “no strings attached”. For queers born after 1983, this also meant unlimited access to same-sex porn, chat sites and online dating sites from the very beginning of their teenage years.  

This online phenomenon is unique to our time – there has been no other period in human history like it. It also presents a unique set of challenges, particularly for the queer community and especially for future generations of queers.

Searching for answers, freelance reporter Sean Horlor recently conducted a series of interviews with Manhunt.net users. To get the full story, he admits he often had to kiss in order to tell.

Budding scientist hunting for buddies, men under twenty need not apply

As far as jokes go, the following could be worse.

Question: What is the nervous biology student wearing on his first date with a reporter?

                Answer: Designer “jeans” of course.  

                And it isn’t mirth-inducing icebreaker I was hoping for. The biology student’s hands immediately begin to worry the table edge and then skitter across the tabletop like a drag queen on ice skates. He picks up a flier for a memorial séance happening closer to Halloween, then picks apart the paper corners. “What does it matter what I’m wearing?” he asks, somehow managing to sound both apathetic and sarcastic at the same time. He starts ripping the flier. I give him my spare pen to play with instead. “Are you a fashion reporter too?”

His bravado aside, he really is wearing a pair of designer jeans. His fitted green button-up matches his eyes. He’s also sporting a new Guess watch on his left wrist. Not a bad look for a first-year BSc student studying at Langara College. Though in the dingy basement of the ANZA Club (Australia New Zealand Association), located in the heart of Vancouver’s artsy Main Street community, nobody gives him a second glance.

 At an earlier trip to the urinal, I learned that the other patrons in the bar tonight, a group of 50-something dart-playing ex-pats, were all residents of that East Vancouver neighbourhood. Most of the men were married (to women) and none of them cared about the gay reporter and the lean, 20-year-old redhead sitting in the corner.

However at 6’3” (his profile said 6’4”), this Generation Y-er is hard to ignore.

When we first sat down, he asked me to call him Bren Kennedy, a name he hopes to use when he enters the porn industry, “sometime later in life”. Judging by the content from our instant messaging chats, he’s completed the requisite field work to ensure his future porn stardom.

Kennedy self-identifies as gay. Born and raised in an affluent Calgary suburb, he moved to Vancouver about a year ago.  “I didn’t want to move to a small town to study.” What he loves most about Vancouver: the trees and the mountains. He goes on to explain that the gay scene here is “everything I wanted. I had this idea in my head of what it would be and it exceeded my expectations.”

When asked what he does in his spare time, he stares blankly at me and says, “You’re looking at it.” A second later, he breaks the top off my spare pen.

Before I left my apartment, a curious female biologist friend of mine wanted me to ask him if all male biologists are gay. “All biologists are ugly,” he tells me. “Do you really think they’re all gay?”

As for career role models, Dian Fossey and Louis Pasteur aren’t on his list. George Gaylord Simpson doesn’t ring a bell either. Kennedy does admit to having a gay role model though: an assistant principal in his junior high. “I knew I was gay before I met him and I thought I knew he was gay. He eventually left his wife and 18-year-old daughter to be with men. He and I used to talk sometimes.”

It turns out that Kennedy has been out since he was 13. “As soon as people started asking me whether or not I liked girls, I started saying no.” But his parents and older sister still don’t know.  “My mom really wants grandchildren,” he explains.

The first time he got high, he took three tablets of ecstasy and a handful of other unknown pills. In the time between then and now, he’s made his way through the drug alphabet - Acid, Alcohol, Barbiturates, Cocaine, GHB, Ketamine, Marijuana, Meth, Psychotropics, Viagra – from A to V and back again. “I started doing drugs, smoking and having sex at the same time. My school was in the middle of an industrial park. There was nothing to do.”

                Kennedy thinks he started calling gay telephone lines when he was 10 or 11.   He’s also been using online dating sites since 2001 and now uses Manhunt, Gaydar, Dudesnude, Squirt and Gay.com on a daily basis. But how did he find out about these sites?

“I have no idea” he admits, shrugging. “I started when I was in Grade 8. I lost my virginity a couple days after I turned 14 with someone online. I just wanted to lose my virginity because that is every boy’s dream. It’s just a hurdle and I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible.”

Although initially reluctant to talk about what type of man would take his virginity at the age of 14 years, Kennedy eventually confesses that he was significantly older. “He was an army drill sergeant in his late 40s.”

In their defence, most online dating sites have mechanisms built in to prevent underage users, but these are purely decorative.  “Obviously my profile said I was 18 because you have to be that old to get on sites. I think I told [the drill sergeant] I was 16 when I met him, but I’ve always looked a bit older.”

                But since when has 14 passed for 18? Or even 16 for that matter?

“It’s different for gay guys. There was that whole thing in Rome, older richer guys would take a younger poor servant under their wing and show him sexual stuff but also teach the business tricks that made them successful.” Did that happen with the drill sergeant? “No.”

                He admits that the men who would contact him were all significantly older and that they wrote him, not the other way around. I ask, “What would happen when you told them you were 16?”

He tears a piece of paper from the pad I’m taking notes on and draws for a bit with the broken pen and tells me, “Usually by the time it came up it was too late because I was already getting in their car.”

                When asked why most guys his age write on their profiles that they aren’t into the scene and don’t go to gay clubs, yet post face pictures and self-identify as gay, he’s temporarily mystified. “If we even have a culture or a community, the entire thing is based around gay clubs.” He started going to clubs a week before he turned 18, the legal age in Alberta. “They wanted fresh meat. I could have had an umbilical cord and picked up.”

                Kennedy denies that the internet encourages unsafe sexual practices. But then contradicts himself. “Getting into someone’s car who you don’t know? I definitely take more risks.”

                As for unprotected anal sex, at first he says, “Never.” Then later: “There’s been a couple times when alcohol or stupidity is involved.” Later still: “When I have unprotected sex with someone who I think might have AIDS, I wait the amount of time required before getting tested and then go get my blood work done.”

                When asked to give advice on how to safely hook up with men in real time, he says, “Most of the time it depends what hour of the day it is. If it’s the afternoon, meet at a bar someplace. If it’s really late, [I tell them to] meet me at a corner and come and pick me up.”

                Now it’s my turn to be uncomfortable.  “Before I leave home, I take my wallet out, I take my watch off, I leave my ID, I bring $10 cash and I don’t bring my phone. All I usually bring is my keys, my smokes and condoms.”

He still gets the same feeling meeting men this way, despite six years of experience.

“It still scares the shit out of me, but I realized a while ago that I love it. I love standing there waiting for him to come and being scared shitless. I just fucking love it.”

At the end of the interview, Kennedy stood up, all 6’3” of him, raised his arms over his head and stretched his left side. I was reminded of one of the many trees that along Vancouver’s shoreline. Exposed to non-stop wind, they grow sideways over the bare rock.

I could have written a second interview with everything I didn’t put in the first. When I asked him about the large scar on his forehead, after what felt like a small eternity, he told me that his father dropped him as a baby and then smiled.

He also told me, “I’ve never sat down and talked about this with anyone before. It sounds really tragic and wrong. I don’t think any part of it was wrong. It sounds a lot worse than it is.”

At one point he admitted to having no gay friends and didn’t feel like there was a community for him anywhere.

                A few days later, he wrote me to say he was stoned during the interview. On what, he didn’t specify. He asked me to take him out dancing. I declined.

...and I had to get in on the action. Apparently, the Kiss and Tell columns are a big hit with most UYA readers. I mean, who doesn't love a headless torso every now and then?

Don't know what I'm talking about? Let me explain because online you'll find many different types, including:

My personal favourite, is the Sideview Headless Torso (see left photo below, usually a one-armed self shot via cellphones and/or point and shoot cameras). Another popular favourite is the Check-Out-My-Sexy-Abs Headless Torso (see photo right)- in my experience, these guys usually don't want to "give the cow away with the milk" (if you know what I mean) so beware before you commit to a dinner date.

Next we have the Homeless Headless Torso:

His worldly possession amass to: one white towel, one pair of disembodied feet (creepy), some gators (also creepy), a pair of goggles for mid-day sexy fountain baths, a newspaper and a high-waisted neon green speedo. I would give this headless torso some change if he asked me for some, mostly because the right side of his chest is significantly more developed than the left...I would also give him a change of underwear.

Next up on the hit list is the I-am-going-to-rub-your-face-all-over-my-manchest Headless Torso: 

Did someone say motorboat? Don't mind if I do...

Another popular offender is the High Camera Angle Headless Torso:

And then there are the Screaming Headless Torsos, who I don't particularly care for - avoid dating one (especially the guy in the Footlocker uniform).

Last but not least, there is my headless torso, which I'm posting here to mark the start of Abtastic 2009:

And <insert blood curdling scream here> the dreaded side view:

I'm keeping good on my New Year's Resolution #1 and starting LL Cool J's platinum work out on Monday to see if it's possible to lose the one-pack that has haunted me for the past 5 years . Check back every Friday for an update. Wish me luck and enjoy your weekend.

(Special thanks to MadeinBrazil) 

By popular demand, here's the next installment in the online dating series:

Kiss and Tell: The Headless Torso (Sept 24)

In 2008, a number of articles began appearing online and in print media arguing that internet dating sites have irreparably damaged the queer community. They claim that the majority of queer youth are now socialized online instead of though more traditional methods, such as visiting bars or other gay meeting spaces, and that the consequence-free online environment increases the incidence of unsafe sexual practices across all age groups.

Searching for answers, freelance reporter Sean Horlor recently conducted a series of interviews with Manhunt.net users. To get the full story, he admits he often had to kiss in order to tell.

In the 1990s, pride parade participants marched chanting “we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it” in an effort to build community identity and force the world to see queers for who they are. Despite the queer community’s continuing struggle for visibility and acceptance, "The Headless Torso" profile picture is one of the most common types found on dating sites. At present, faceless anonymity is still preferred by the majority of men looking to connect with other men online.

This Headless Torso isn’t just a pretty face

He also wants to make one thing clear: “only an idiot” would refer to his online profile photo as a headless torso.  Guilty…as charged.

“If you think you’re being funny, you’re not.” He points his knife at me, arguing, “The section of the photo including my body is a torso, but it also shows part of my legs, my crotch, and part of my arms and neck. So how is that a torso?”

            For the record, most dictionaries describe a torso as the body excluding the head and neck and limbs, though since I’m within stabbing distance, I decide to keep my mouth shut and quit while I’m ahead.

He goes on to tells me that because he is wearing a gray shirt and American Apparel briefs in his photo that disqualifies him from fitting into any particular dating profile stereotype. “If you go online and look up headless torso profiles, you could probably find hundreds. I challenge you to find one that’s similar to mine.”

            Before I left my apartment to meet up with this guy, I checked to see how many headless torso profiles were currently logged into Manhunt. Of the 517 men online at 7:30pm on a Thursday, 92 had headless torso shots, all of which looked more or less identical when viewed in rapid succession.

That said, tonight’s Headless Torso is not one to be swayed. “In the past, I’ve posted photos of my shoulder and chin.” How well did that work? “Not as well as you’d think.”

He also wants to the last word on his photo. “Mine is more sexual than the average headless photo that you’ll find online. People think it’s too artistic and their response is: what the fuck. I need to see more.”

One of the few things he and I agree on is that this type of photo presents onlookers with a good ratio of mystery and information and that the “headless” aspect sustains a certain amount of privacy, which is why they are popular with so many men.

When we first sat down for dinner, Headless Torso asked me to use Clark Kent as a pseudonym. “I relate to the whole I’ve always been drawn to the story of Superman. Most people with any ego or intelligence feel that they are living in a community and pretending to belong to the everyday part of it.”

Is he living a double life? He claims no, explaining, “Superman has superpowers. The one that I relate to that he has is the burning vision, the laser vision. It’s a very useful tool, very powerful, very positive, but if you use it in full, you can blow [something] up or kill someone just by looking.”

His eyes bore into me. He squints. And then squints harder.

For the time being, I neither blow up nor die. I pick at my salad, waiting for him to say more. When I look up, he’s still staring. I ask him if he ever wears glasses. He shakes his head. Maybe Clark Kent isn’t the right pseudonym after all.

            Five foot ten, with freckled skin and perfectly styled hair (“dyed brown”), Mr. Headless Torso isn’t your typical redhead. He’s tanned. He works out regularly. His face is freckle free. He looks more like Robert Redford than Elmo, Archie Andrews or Beaker from the Muppets. His aforementioned “laser” eyes are black-brown and they have a habit of bugging out whenever I go head-to-head with him over his online habits.

For example, after I asked whether internet dating had made his life more rewarding or less, I was reminded of the claymation cartoons my sister and I watched as children, where eyeballs would pop out of skulls just in time for an old-timey car horn to ahh-ooooo-gah in the background.

Immediately on the defensive from the more rewarding or less question, he accuses me of trying to trick him. When I insist that it is not a trick question, he tells me, “I don’t go online for sex” and then broaches the educational aspect of meeting people online.

“There are things that people are into that I would be so upset by to encounter in real life,” he says, twisting the flashy ring on his ring finger. “The most disturbing was talking to guys who participate in gift giving ceremonies where teenagers get fucked by 4 or 5 guys with AIDS to guarantee they get it.”

            He uses internet dating sites for dating only and uses three other sites in tandem to Manhunt. And it turns out he has a good head on his shoulders after all: he takes time out of his busy online dating schedule to help those who can’t help themselves. “I’ve worked with people to expose their cheating boyfriends and exposed people who were cheating on my friends.”

            So perhaps the Clark Kent-Superman analogy isn’t so far off. He brings up the double-identity a second time when he talks about travelling for work and posting online profiles in other cities. “I have probably done worse things when I’m out of town than when I’m in town.” I press him for details and he adds, “By doing what normal people think is totally normal, like hooking up quickly without much conversation or whatever.”

Still, I’m confused. Earlier, he said he didn’t hook up online for sex. Now he says he does.  He continues, “When you go out of town, it’s easy. You have nothing to do at night, you have a hotel room and you can invite guys over and that’s that.”

From my perspective listening to how he talks about his life in Vancouver and his life traveling, there seems to be a divide. He looks panicked and blurts, “I’ve only done that twice or three times. I want to be really clear though, there is not a Clark Kent thing going on in my life.”

Oh yeah. Did I forget to mention that he doesn’t believe in being gay?

“I hate labels,” he explains, waiving his fork over the Malay seafood extravaganza he’s chosen for dinner. “But I also hate people who don’t like labels.”

I make a note that the waitress who took his order managed to get the only straight answer out of Headless Torso so far. He doesn’t have a favourite movie, a favourite song or favourite activity. Although he’s a visual artist and works as a designer to pay his bills, he tells me, “I hate the word designer almost as much as I hate the word gay.”

When I first started talking to Headless Torso online, he was adamant that he was neither gay nor straight and has sex with both men and women. He told me: “I’m not out or in. I am open to anything.” Over dinner though, he has only talked about men. He also informs me that he’s never told his parents or work clients about having sex with men.

Apparently grey is his favourite colour because of its ambiguity, a word he also uses to describe his sexual orientation. Eyes bulging again, he explains: “People are afraid of that in our culture. Ambiguity is uncomfortable of people only because it’s not normal. Right now we’re living in a time when privacy is dead.” A moment later he advises, “The closer you get to sexuality, the closer you get to what is personal, individual and specific to yourself.”

All the flip flopping is giving me a headache. Where are we? Oh yes. Ambiguous. Does he mean “wanting the privilege of the heterosexual majority while abusing the sexual freedoms of the queer minority without having to sacrifice anything for his enjoyment”?

Or when he says “ambiguous”, does he actually mean “coward”?

“You can tell a lot about people by the photos they post online,” he says. “I change mine regularly. A week ago, it was something entirely different.” Though according to friends of mine who use Manhunt regularly, that’s also a lie. Headless Torso has had the same profile photo for over 8 months.

This was the only “date” I went on during these interviews where I felt concerned for my personal safety.

Headless Torso wouldn’t tell me his name or show me a clear picture of his face before we met. I was also asked to wait outside the restaurant, which meant standing in front of a dark alley for 20 minutes because he was late. I had heard from my friends that he would talk for hours on the telephone, deliberately disagreeing with everything they say, and then never showed for dates.

 Was it cowardice or cruelty? Was he a master manipulator or a sociopath? I took a personal risk because I thought he would deliver a unique interview.

I’m ashamed to admit that I went walking with him after dinner. Ever the opportunist, I felt sorry for him and thought I’d at least make a pass to keep up with the kiss and tell theme from previous interviews (he was a redhead after all). That’s about when he announced that the gay rights movement was like training wheels for whatever comes next and told me I was making a mistake by self-identifying as gay.

That’s also about the time I remembered what my mother, who worked in a psychiatrist’s office, used to say to my sisters and I when we were kids: “Insane people are always sure that they’re fine. It’s only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.”

Between September and November 2008, I went on a series of disasterous dates with guys I met online with the intent of writing a series of columns profiling my "dates" and their "dating" habits. Both Xtra West and xtra.ca passed on publishing them. So instead of letting them languish on my hard drive, I'm going to post the first one here, and the rest of the columns over the next few weeks.

This is New Years catharsis for me. Letting go of the old, the bad, the ugly, etc...Revel in my pain and anguish. I will post a personal anecdote about this couple tomorrow. There's a reason why the series was going to be called Kiss and Tell.

And if you're looking for New Years activities, check here.

Kiss and Tell: Couple desperately seeking third…(Interview #1)

In 2008, a number of articles began appearing online and in print media arguing that internet dating sites have irreparably damaged the queer community. They claim that the majority of queer youth are now socialized online instead of though more traditional methods, such as visiting bars or other gay meeting spaces, and that the consequence-free online environment increases the incidence of unsafe sexual practices across all age groups.

Searching for answers, freelance reporter Sean Horlor recently conducted a series of interviews with Manhunt.net users. To get the full story, he admits he often had to kiss in order to tell.

"Couples seeking..." is a regular online dating site fixture, regardless of the gender or sexuality of the two partners searching to add some excitement to their sex lives. Here's what one long-term couple had to say about their online experience...

Couple desperately seeking third (fourth, fifth, sixth?)

The burning question on most people’s minds: can opening up a monogamous sexual relationship actually work?

            The taller half of the couple – who I decide to call “Home Maker” or HM – hasn’t made eye contact with me since we sat down ten minutes ago. Instead, he swirls the straw in his double vodka-soda relentlessly. He’s asked me not to use their real names. His partner – “Bread Winner” or BW for short – answers my earlier question: “Opening up our relationship is one of the only things that [has kept] it running—”

            HM is quick to interject: “People who think they can have sex with just one cock for the rest of their life are crazy. They are the ones who end up cheating.”

            Both men are 34, though like most internet dating site users, they told a white lie online and posted that they were 32. When asked why they lied about something so trivial, BW laughed and said, “Why not? We don’t look like we’re 34, do we?”

            For the record, they do. BW is going bald and has bad posture. Despite the handsome HM’s buff arms and jaw-dropping smile, he has a bit of a paunch and crows feet.

            At 9:30pm on Saturday, there is now a line up to get inside the Bayside Room. What better venue to discuss a ménage à trios than this throw-back 70s lounge in the heart of Vancouver’s notoriously liberal West End.

            Sinking back into the red leather of our booth, BW asks, “Why aren’t you drinking your beer?”

            For show, I lift my glass to my lips, but do not drink anything. The act is enough for HM, who finally makes eye contact with me, saying, “We always do things together. It’s both of us or it doesn’t happen.” Nervous, he is too loud, his voice cuts through the ambient lounge noise like a spoon tapping an empty glass.

            After 12 years of partnership – ten of which they’ve lived together – they also have other rules they use to keep things balanced. Both have to agree on the attractiveness of their “prospect”, the sex has to be safe and they don’t appreciate guys showing up at their apartment and heading straight to their bedroom uninvited. “That’s a real turnoff,” HM says. “We ask guys who do that to leave right away.”

            Their first threesome was with a professional hockey player in a Toronto hotel room nine years ago. “He paid for the room,” says BW, fishing a fresh raspberry out of his cocktail with his straw. Then, at the same time, they both say, “He was sexy.” But they don’t look at each other while saying it. They also haven’t touched each other once since they sat down.

            Sharing this story with me gives them the confidence to discuss other conquests. Although three people in a bed is their ideal, for these two, the sky is the limit. They agree that threesomes are so 1990 and that the 2000s are all about fourgies, moresomes and partner swapping. “When there are that many people though, it’s tough to know who is supposed to do what,” BW admits.

            However, there is a glass ceiling. Or maybe glass basement would be a better term. It sounds like they no longer have sexual intercourse without a third party. When asked directly whether they still have sex with each other regularly, things get tense.

            “What do you mean by sex?” BW says stonily. A self-described 5’10”, I place him at about 5’8” and probably about 150lbs. He’s as threatening as he is truthful. He continues, “Do you mean touching? Oral? Anal intercourse?”

            Already on his third double highball, HM slurs over him: “Once a year?” I expect them to laugh. They don’t. HM continues, “Once a month? Or has it been three years? Can we talk about something else?”

            “Listen,” BW says. “We haven’t spent a week apart the entire time we’ve known each other.” Interestingly enough, they are finally sitting shoulder to shoulder, touching.

            But the question remains, has the internet made it easier for them to meet that elusive third bedmate or harder? “Definitely easier,” HM said. “As a teenager in Ottawa, I used telephone lines to meet guys or went to bars and talked. The internet changed everything.”      

            HM goes on to explain that since they’re both in real estate, they have time to search for additional partners online whenever they feel like. They admit to checking their shared profile regularly – “At least daily” – though don’t think that they’re addicted to online dating.

            It’s clear that HM is the driving force behind their search. Recently unemployed, he plays administrative assistant to BW’s thriving real estate practice. Although Manhunt.net is the only internet dating site he uses, HM occasionally organizes hook ups with friends of friends or with people of like interests off Facebook.

            For a couple that seems so balanced and so comfortable inviting outside influences into their relationship, something as small as only one of the partners constantly surfing online for sex shouldn’t be any cause for concern. Or is it?

            Instead of commenting on this right away, as he has for most of the interview, BW stares up at HM for a long time. HM is back to looking around the bar. I say nothing. HM eventually says they don’t have trust problems. BW nods but doesn’t commit verbally either way.

             Their advice to couples looking at including an additional emotional or sexual connection to their relationship is simple: communicate. Swirling the straw in his glass again, HM advises, “If one person wants to have a threesome and the other doesn’t, perhaps it’s time to rethink why you’re together.”

            Finally ready to talk again, BW adds, “And if you’re the third person, try to remember you’re just a guest.” They tell me about a younger guy they have been inviting over regularly for the past few months, and how it’s starting to feel “boring” to them.

            “It’s time to break if off,” HM says.

            This reminds me of something a good friend of mine pointed out before the interview. He said, “Three is an odd number. It must be hard on the bus. Someone always has to be sitting on their own.”