After a (mostly) week of gaying up the straights, I would like to give one back. No seriously. Take him. I want nothing to do with him.

Judas: Betrayer or Friend of Tyra?

It's Homofication Week on Up Your Alley! So I went and saw Coco Avant Chanel last with my photog BFF Brandon. Brilliant movie. BRILLIANT! Made even more so by a certain Alessandro Nivola. The first time he graced the screen, I believe there was an audiable sigh throughout the theatre and no joke: this guy's charisma in this film was incredible, though not nearly as incredible as Audrey Tautou.

Even more fitting was the moustache he sported for the entire film:

I'm really getting into this Movember thing!

So he's married to a woman...pffft. That's what Homofication is all about.

Back by popular demand, it's going to be Homofication all week long folks. Reminder: homofication is projecting homosexuality on heterosexuals. Something we all love to do.

I've been waiting for this photo for a long time. Fitting that it came along in Movember:

Look at that moustache! Clearly, Katie Holmes is a homosexual man!

Now take a closer look...see how Tom Kat are even dressing alike? DELISH!

My print column hits the streets today. For those of you not in Van, here's a snapshot of this year's scene:

Cocked & Loaded

Well, I’m glad Halloween has come and gone because if I see one more person dressed up as a vampire or gladiator, I am going to have to gouge out both my eyeballs with a sharp pencil and wear symbolic red eye patches to teach the world a lesson about uncreative costumes.

Lest ye forget: Halloween is the costume lover’s holiday and for those of us who love dressing up, this is the one time of year where you REALLY have to pull out all the stops.

I mean, come on…a vampire? A gladiator? Get REAL! Come visit me at the Xtra offices and I’ll help you out with your costume for next year by writing YOU’RE BORING on your forehead in permanent black pen.

Now that I’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about this year’s Hall of Fame.

It turns out that local pop star Peter Breeze could teach a crash course of Halloween 101 for the costume-impaired. He showed up at Junction’s Little Shop of Horrors party dressed as a giant bag of cocaine— complete with oversized novelty straw—and proceeded to let party goers take turns snorting him.

That, my friends, is a type of genius that few can claim to own and is evidence of two things in my mind:

1. That Peter Breeze is an addictive pairing of vision and whimsy (I just said whimsy…yeah I did) and we are lucky to have him in Vancouver.
2. That the big DJ parties at Junction (formerly Pulse, formerly Majestic) are the best of their kind in Vancouver and despite having to see a bat-shit crazy ex every time I go to one, I always have a great time.

Check out Peter’s costume on his Facebook page. You won’t regret it.

Now. Xtra West assigned me to a club crawl on Halloween and I would like to personally thank everyone who dressed up as Jesus. You made my night, particularly Buff Jesus and Hipster Jesus at 1181 Tight Lounge. You were sacrilicious and you know it!

Celebrities definitely had the hottest male angel on the strip. I also have never been groped like I was groped at Pumpjack. Apparently wearing yellow spandex and a giant Pac Man head is as an open invitation to inappropriate butt touching. Who knew.

If I have one final piece of Halloween advice, it’s that the Davie strip is a guaranteed good time, so remember that next year. And when in you’re in doubt over a costume choice and someone asks you what you’re dressing up as for Halloween, “slutty” is always a good answer.

For those of you who haven’t heard, it’s Movember this month. A number of guys I know are growing moustaches to raise money for prostate cancer research, including DJ Dreaddy. I’m going to be growing one and if you are interested in making a donation to support either DJ Dreaddy or I in our moustache growing efforts, please contact me at vancouvergayblog@gmail.com.

If you’ve got the post-Halloweener blues or intend to detox (like yours truly), check out the following:

Every Tuesday throughout the month of November, Pacific Cinemateque will be showing double bills of dance films. Shows are at 6:30 and 9:30 pm and the Razzle Dazzle Dance Film Series will include: Fame and Flashdance (TUE NOV 10); Cabaret and Chicago (TUE NOV 17); Dirty Dancing and Hairspray (TUE NOV 24).

There are also two big fundraisers coming up over the next two weeks.

Prairie Fairies Fowl Supper on SAT NOV 7 supports A Loving Spoonful. Tickets are already sold out, though some are available through the Ticket Swap menu at http://www.fillmorefamily.ca/fowl.html.

Art for Life on SAT NOV 14 supports Friends for Life. There will be a gala dinner, reception and art auction benefits. Tickets and the art collection can be viewed at www.artforlife.net. 

It's been a long time since we've had a homofication here on Up Your Alley...but a recent photo submission got me wondering if Vancouver-based Stargate actor Michael Shank is...or isn't.

And here they are at it again:

He's Just Not Into You is the book I never wanted to read and perhaps never will. My sister brought it home and left it on the coffee table (hint hint)...So here is an excerpt of what I have read. So far, it SEEMS like a real humdinger of a page-turner & is written by greg behrendt and liz tuccillo. I may go further or may not, but this was interesting:

"Look, I am not a doctor, neither real nor imagined. But I am an expert that should be listened to because of one very important thing: I'm a guy--a guy that has had his fair share of relationships and is willing to come clean about his behavior in them. Because I'm a guy, I know how a guy thinks, feels, acts, and it's my responsibility to tell you who we really are...

When a guy is into you, he let's you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends, he can't keep his eyes or hands off of you, and when it's time to have sex, he's more than overjoyed to oblige. I don't care if he's starting his new job as president of the United States the next morning at 0400 (that's 4 A.M. ladies!). He's coming up!

Men are not complicated, although we'd like you to think we are, as in 'Things are really crazy right now. I've just got a ton of shit going on.' We are driven by sex, although we'd like to pretend otherwise: 'What? No I was totally listening.' And sadly (and most embarrassingly) we would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, "You're not the one." But the fact remains, even though we may not be saying it, we are absolutely showing you all the time. If a dude isn't call you when he says he will, or making sure you know that he's dating you, then you already have your answer. Stop making excuses for him. He's just not that into you."

This excerpt was clearly from the male author. I do like his rationale: I am a guy, therefore I am right. Apparently he is straight. I would elect him for homofication, but do not know what he looks like. Judgment reserved for future date.

Yes, it's geared to straight women but I think there is something in here all genders and sexualities can relate to.

I, for example, am attracted to uncommunicative losers who are incapable of talking to me about things that matter to them, but will talk about those things to everyone else they know. Why this is, I do not know. This book has a long chapter on such things, but I haven't read it yet. I'm sure I will snort out loud at its hilarity and learn nothing that I can apply to my life. And then go out and meet another asshole on Friday night. Life is delicious and nutritious and circlicious. Do not let this book lead you to think otherwise.

The following slipped by me somehow on Halloween. Papa sent it to me. He's a funny guy.