These two bitches are the funniest people to follow on Twitter. Kathy has the best one-liners (sorry, Joan), and Cher is like your really liberal and possibly drunk grandmother whose fingers keep missing the right keys.

The two are pals, with Kathy's Cher stories being the highlight of her recent Bravo specials, and they've joined forces to remind both gay and female America why they cannot let this election "turn back time":

Chaz was on the chopping block on Dancing with the Stars this week, after receiving low scores for the second week in a row. But thanks to his mama, who tweeted, "God hope Chaz holds on till next week so I can come sit in the Audience & Watch," voters pulled through and Chaz will be back for another dance!

First of all, Cher is the cutest tweeter in the universe. I love how she puts unnecessary spaces between words and exclamation marks, and randomly capitalizes certain words for no apparent reason. She may look like she could be my sister, but the bitch types like my grandma!

After finding out he'd be back for another week, Chaz tweeted (slightly more sensibly), "This is the most amazing experience. #SAFE #DWTS... I wish I could thank each & every one of you personally for your votes. YOU are the reason @LaceySchwimmer & I are DANCING AGAIN next week!!"

I think the real reason, dear Chaz, is that all the gays hoping to get Cher in the audience were voting maniacally with their new iPhone 5 iPhone 4S. Okay, let's digress for just a second: my Facebook feed was exploding with iPhone posts yesterday. You crazy mofos were more excited about a new phone than I would be over a bucket full of diamonds floating in vodka. 

Anyway, the point of all this is that Cher will be sitting on her throne in the audience this week, which means at long last there will be an actual star on Dancing with the Stars!

Cher has gone on a Twitter rampage, ripping US presidential hopeful Michele Bachmann and her creepy husband, Marcus Bachmann, for their extreme anti-gay beliefs.

Never afraid to speak her mind, long before she gave the world transgendered pioneer Chaz Bono, Cher was a leader for the gay community. Read her hilarious tweets (below) about Marcus Bachmann, who not only refers to gays as "barbarians" but runs a government-subsidized Christian counselling centre with the mission of "stopping the gay agenda."

What does that even mean? I've heard that a few times from closeted homos rightwing politicians and am always confused. The only thing on my gay agenda today is to tweeze my eyebrows. And the only barbaric thing about me (aside from said pre-tweezed eyebrows), is how loud I'm going to scream at Britney's Femme Fatale Tour tonight.

Pray for me! 

@cher:

“Boys I'm not kidding! I'm listening 2 this >%~€¥^<<&&&& I'm thinking GAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAYGAY Without Style!"

"omg ! Is This true ? He has a Christian clinic where he de-programs gay Boys & Girls ! I'm gonna strangle him with my boa !" 

I love Chaz Bono! He is so cool and brave and such a formidable pioneer for gender-identity issues. I'm just a little concerned about his recent interview with E! News, where he told a reporter that he'd "love to talk to Brad and Angelina about Shiloh." I'm certain Chaz has nothing but good intentions, but bringing such public attention to Shiloh's sexuality/gender before Shiloh herself has grown and developed enough to do some self-evaluation could prove more detrimental than helpful.

I'm reminded of the ninth grade, when my butch lesbian gym teacher came up to me and suggested I join the gay-straight alliance (basically a homo club) that met once a week during lunch hour. At the time I was in the "bisexual phase" of coming out (the last stop before Raging 'Moville), but had told only my close friends. The point is, even though my gym teacher meant no harm and probably saw a gay boy struggling to find himself and wanted to reach out to give him a place where he might feel less isolated, my face still turned crimson, and I wanted to die of embarrassment. I simply wasn't ready. It was mortifying to me that a teacher would bring my sexuality to attention (even if it was the gay-straight alliance, she wasn't going around asking all the straight kids to join), so ultimately, all she accomplished, despite her heart being in the right place, was to make me feel bad about myself.

I think what Shiloh needs is time and space to grow up to be the person she's destined to be. She's four years old! Let her pick her nose and eat it for a while before we start demanding that she figure out whether she wants to crunch on a cock or munch on a muff when she grows up. Maybe then Chaz will be the perfect influence for the young Jolie-Pitt. But let's let her enjoy those tasty boogers for a while, shall we?

Chaz's book Transition: The Story of How I Became a Man, is in stores today.