Before we delve deeper into the brotherhood of the traveling douche, I would like to proclaim that I hate U-haul. And no, it's not just some trivial dislike of mine blown out of proportion due to a fit of frivolity. Nay, kind reader. I repeat: nay.

After many years of hijinx ($19.95 vans turning into $369.82 vans, pick up locations in Chilliwack, drop off locations in hell, etc), the shit teeth collective at U-haul command-control-centre (perhaps located in U-tah?) sent my sister and I to an abandoned, boarded up building in the middle of Nowheresville, Vancouver Island to pick up a truck.

Here's a surprise: there was no truck there.

Here's another surprise: Client Relations Manager "Zariak" (no surname, which means he more akin to Jesus and Cher, than mere mortals like you and I) told me a real zinger on the phone after I called 1-800-NO-BALLS. He told me, "There's nothing I can do for you."

Well, "Zariak", why the fuck do you have a job then?

"There's nothing I can do for you" is something I would expect from:

1) Celine Dion (who also has no balls)

2) Lamb-Chop (who has neither balls nor a spine)

3) Bad jokes about spousal abuse (which take balls and often involve not the fun kind, but that other kind of beating)

Anyway, I won't get into the other things I hate about U-haul (the name, the hyphen in the name, the shorthand convenience of the name, the font, its u-move monopoly here in Canada, the vehicle checks, the orange everything...you get the idea)

Okay so I did get into it, but here's the real blog for today:

You may have noticed the resurgence of douchebag in popular culture. Sure, when John Mayer wears a douchebag shirt, it's whimsical and poignant and delightful in all the ways it should be. However, when you actually meet a douchebag, they are none of these things.

Don't know what a douchebag is and are too lazy to click on the hyperlinks above? You're my kind of people. Watch this instead!

Douche Cologne Spoof on male cologne such as Axe body spray.

 

Before eternal winter set in upon the land of Narnia, I imagine the following gentleman caller enjoyed long midnight dances, sexy hunting parties, feasting, and treasure trail seeking.

His many likes include lampposts, fauns, nymphs, dryads, Red Dwarfs, wayward British children disguised as messiahs, and talking animals, especially Mr. and Mrs. Beaver.

His dislikes include Turkish Delight, long walks through the snowy forest, anal fisting and being turned into stone.
Don't let his come-hither smile and whimsical dress fool you. It is Mr. Tumnus in a disguise. In a shocking role reversal, he has left Narnia for the red-carpet pleasures of MTV. I, for one, don't want anything to do with him. Back into the closet..er, "wardobe"...with you foul he-beast.

 

 

The Vancouver Queer Film Festival is now officially over. The final screening (XXY) was one of the most brilliant movies I've seen in the last five years. Get your hands on a copy and watch it.

The end of the VQFF also marked the end of the 2008 Olympics. Congratulations to all of my homofication candidates. You will surely haunt my dreams for months to come. And to all the Canadian Olympians: thanks for putting on a wicki-wicked show.

Here's some of the best of the worst of the best photos from the Games. If you'd like to see more, click here.

And this last shot in the spirit of Saturday's Raunchorama - which almost made me puke a record four (4) times during its 1.5 hour course.

 

It's Raunchorama Resurrected! tomorrow night at the Vancouver Queer Film Festival. Check out one of the most popular annual screenings at Cinemark Tinseltown at 9:30pm. I've heard a lot about the afterparty at Friction (123 Pender St). If you're looking for an excuse to parade around in front of crowd wearing notthing but a towel, this is your night. Congratulations to Right Up Your Alley: Vancouver's Gay Blog pin-up Adam Van Koeverden, who took home a silver in the K-1 500. I don't like pitting hot Canadian Olympian against hot Canadian Olympian, but I realized that after a long week of homofication, these two Adams might need dual it out for top honours here on RUYA. It's the battle of the Adams and both enjoy a good paddle. Who are you going to pick? May the best Adam win...
Adam Greer won a gold this year in the men's eight. He had a lot of face time on CBC...can you blame them?

Oh and for something a little extra - Breaux Greer is not Canadian (though should be), so loses out on those points, but you know what, who the hell cares. He is a homofication candidate if I've ever seen one. His name is interesting, he has wicki-wicked hair and (insert your own javelin joke here)...

 

 

Quick update: guess who was denied access at tonight's Vancouver Queer Film Festival screenings? Me? It couldn't possibly be...oh wait, it was. Starry-eyed reporter much? You got my number. For some reason, that week I spent fighting tooth and nail for a media pass so I could cover the festival and devote my next print article to promoting queer film...well, I guess that's not happening now. I did see this guy at Cinemark Tinseltown:

David Charlie was promoting one of the VQFF entries (Mulligans) and he was standing right beside me, listening to me explain how I was a local reporter covering the movie, please let me in so I can review, look at my media pass, etc. to the well-meaning VQFF staff...but alas, to no avail. He then got to witness my eventual Mariah Carey-inspired meltdown. If I wasn't so angry, I would've asked him for a ticket/what his thoughts were about the movie he was starring in but I wasn't going to get to see.

In hindsight, I should have stripped down to my manties and passed out popsicles to the crowd. That Mariah. Is there anything she can't do?

Okay enough. The Olympics are on.

Newflash: Canadians are hot.

Take Adam Van Koeverden. His semi's were fierce and in light of my VQFF "experience" tonight, I also had the pleasure of watching him in the finals instead of watching queer film.

Another homofication candidate if I've ever seen one.

Adam placed 7th and I was happy to watch him doing it:



Seriously - is there something in the water up here or what?