If you followed my advice yesterday, you completely ignored the Super Bowl and instead focused on the superior Puppy Bowl, where everyone is a winner! Except for those who are allergic to dogs. Anyway, thanks to the magic of the internet, I have managed to absorb most of what happened via osmosis. But only the gay parts, which I have listed meticulously for your convenience.

Sexiest and They Know It: LMFAO

No, Seriously: How Is He Straight?-est: Cee Lo

Please Let This Be an Orgy: Please?

Gayest Commercial: Elton John's Pepsi ad

Vagina-est Vagina: Madonna

Finger That Single-Fingeredly Destroyed America: MIA's middle finger

Most Destroyed Balls: This guy's testi . . . OH MY GOD, GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL 

Do the Carpets Match the Drapes?: Yes

Most WTF Leg: This guy

Oh Yeah, I Guess She Was There, Too: Sorry, Nicki