No, seriously. What the shit? I specifically moved to Toronto because everyone here speaks English, and I figured that it was a safe enough place. I mean, it's situated comfortably in the middle of the continent, it's not on any major fault lines, the only nearby body of water is a lake, and we haven't really been hit with any sort of hurricane or tornado in the past couple years.

And then an earthquake hits us. How in the hell did that happen? We barely even get any snow in Toronto, and now you're telling me that at any moment the Earth might open up and swallow us whole? This is total CRAP. But to alleviate the situation, here's Patton Oswalt summing it up in pretty much the funniest way possible on his Twitter account:

Oops! 5.8 mag earthquake I just felt was centered in No Va, where I grew up. I need to apologize. When I was a teen, me and four other friends banished a spider-demon named Thra'axx in a chymic cylinder. Guess who forgot to remind the others to repaint the doom-rim with hobo blood today? #mybad 

Story time, kids! You know how Rob Ford decided to spend $200,000 to remove paint from Jarvis St because it was used to distinguish a bike lane? Funny story about that...

Yesterday, I was walking along Bloor St when some poor guy fell ass-over-ankles off his bike, was nearly hit by a car and needed an ambulance. Guess what he could have used? That's right: a proper bike lane. (Also, to the hot dog vendor at Bloor and Ted Rogers who made me pay for ice for the injured man five feet in front of him: you are the worst kind of person. It's not as though you didn't see him, either. He was lying in front of you for a full minute. If you see someone in pain and your first thought is, "Yeah, I can make money off of this," you're fucked up.)

And this morning, as I was walking home on Alexander St, a cyclist on the sidewalk rode his bike directly into my taint.

Here's the thing: you can totally make the argument that paying $200,000 to remove a bike lane that took $75,000 to paint two years ago is a total waste of taxpayer money, but I'm going to go with a different approach. I think cyclists need bike lanes all over the city in order to avoid getting hit by cars and having bikes wedged up into their perineums. Rob Ford, you owe it to the good people of Toronto and their delicate taints to make sure that cyclists are safe and not driving around on sidewalks.

(Image source: Allie Brosh, Hyperbole and a Half) 

With Toronto Pride in full swing, you're going to need to stock up to make it through the week without passing out. So, as a public service from me and Xtra, here's a quick list of things to pack to keep you Pride-ready:

#1: Condoms and lube. Let's face it: you're in a city surrounded by naked, horny gay men who want to make sex on other naked, horny gay men. Chances are, you'll get some. So, be safe about it by making sure you have plenty of protection on hand.

#2: Cigarettes, lighters and gum. You'll never actually use any of these personally. Or you might. Point is, always have these on your person in case a cute guy asks you for any of them. It's a great conversation starter, and in the case of the gum, a decent way to freshen your breath.

#3: Your cellphone charger. It's a given that you'll have your cell on you at all times, but should it die from too many sexts, you're going to need to refuel that sucker, and you don't have the time to rush home.

#4: Protein shakes and bars. During Pride, you will often be tempted to eat. DO NOT EAT. You are not allowed to eat anything during this week that isn't pure protein. Just to make sure that you don't pass out from starvation, keep these on hand, and eat them only when absolutely necessary.

#5: A wad of $5 bills. Nothing good comes free, obviously, so you'll be spending a hell of a lot during Pride. As any stripper will tell you, nothing distracts from sexiness like jingling, jangling coinage. So, here's where a wad of fivers comes in handy: instead of lugging around coins everywhere, just pay everything with the fives, and let them keep the change. You'll earn some goodwill from bartenders and such while avoiding the pratfall of carrying around $20 in change.

#6: Sunscreen. I know, I know, tanned skin looks good. Unfortunately, it doesn't look quite as good when you're pointing out the weird new mole that you found on your body to your doctor. Wear sunscreen to keep your skin safe and free of sunburns.

#7: Mouthwash. No one wants to make out with a guy whose mouth tastes like a manhole. Wait; let me try that again... No one wants to make out with a guy whose mouth tastes like a sewer. Grab a travel-sized bottle of mouthwash and swish religiously.

#8: Enemas. Let's just get this out in the open: asses are not naturally shiny, happy holes of wonder and antiseptic joy. At some point, you're going to need to wash it. Worst-case scenario: pop into the bathroom with a store-bought enema, and you'll be bright and shiny in no time.

#9: A copy of fab or Xtra. You know, on the offhand chance that you plan to read this week. Plus, it's a great way to convince people you're scholarly and shit. "Don't mind me, I'm just reading my periodical. GUFFAW! Words. Waitress, bring me a flute of champagne; I need to drop my monocle in it."

#10: A sense of humour. Yeah, I know this is just an abstract concept, but it's PRIDE. Enjoy yourself and try not to take anything seriously. That's what the other 51 weeks of the year are for.