9pm - Since tonight is the grand finale of RuPaul's Drag Race Season 5, I've decided to do it live. FUCK IT, WE'RE DOING IT LIVE. The queens are all reunited, and the dress code is . . . red? I think? Yeah, they really didn't try that hard to enforce a dress code.

9:03 - Can we discuss Detox's greyscale look? Because Jesus H Tabernacle, that's cool. Less cool? The choreography. I've seen livelier dance moves from Stephen Hawking.

9:08 - "I'm sick and twisted and I'm not gonna take it anymore." Literally everyone in the room shouted that. RuPaul may or may not be a cult leader. Do not drink the Absolut Kool-Aid.

9:12 - Oh, Penny . . . You got one good read on Serena ChaCha, but honestly, that's like reading a pop-up book. Actually, on the subject of Serena: what the fuck is suff sculpture? Is that really a thing?

9:16 - Monica Beverly Hillz (WHO WAS ROBBED, BY THE WAY) goes on the record to remind everyone what drag and trans are and to announce that she got signed as a face model. See? She DOES give good face.

9:18 - Oh look, Vivienne Pinay and Honey Mahogany are here. Yeah, I don't care either. I'm just going to drink here. Big ups to Raspberry Sour Puss!

9:20 - Lineysha Sparx is brought to you with subtitles. Everything she says roughly translates to "DERP."

9:23 - RuPaul actually had to put together a herstory lesson because apparently, there are like five gay guys (probably the twinks) who don't know who Cher is.

9:26 - Oh Jesus Fuck Shitters, Ivy Winters needs to speak up because I can't hear her over Jade Jolie's dress. Fuck it, where's my vodka? I am too sober for this shit.

9:28 - IVEEEEEEEEEE WINTERRRRRRRRRRS! The only person who can't seem to say it properly is Latoya Jackson, who apparently coined the phrase. Also, quick question here, but is Latoya Jackson a cat? I want to scratch her butt and scoop her poop out of a sandbox.

9:30 - Alyssa Edwards and Coco Montrese need to fuck already. It would be fucking gross, but they just . . . They need to fuck. Or at the very least play Hide the Double-Headed Dildo. I shouldn't have said that out loud.

9:32 - Ah crap, now Paula Abdul is here. It's like a reunion of everyone my dad jacked off to in the '80s. WHY DO I KEEP SAYING THESE THINGS?!

9:36 - We're having a rundown of all the worst dresses from RuPaul's Drag Race. Honestly? Nope, sorry, Alyssa still dresses like JonBenét Ramsey. Hey look, it's Santino! Hey girl! I've had a crush on him since All-Stars, so everyone jumping on the bandwagon can get the fuck in line.

9:38 - Detox's greyscale is freaking my shit out now. Someone needs to weigh her against a duck, because that's fucking witchcraft.

9:40 - PEANUT BUTTER PEANUT BUTTER PEANUT BUTTER PEANUT BUTTER OH GOD THE SEVENTH SEAL! IT HAS BEEN BROKEN! AIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!!!

9:44 - For those of you wondering: Jinkx and Ivy never fucked. Jivy will never be. But I don't care, I'd do 'em both. It's the Sour Puss glasses talking.

9:47 - Alyssa would have you believe she's nine inches. She is a liar. You are a fucking liar, Alyssa. YOU SHUT YOUR LIE HOLE THIS INSTANT.

9:48 - Thank god, here's Latrice to show these stupid bitches how it's done. Oh, and Ivy won Miss Congeniality. Yay, I guess!

9:52 - RuPaul just said chicken pot pie. Oh god, I want a chicken pot pie now. OH HEY JINKX MONSOON AS LITTLE EDIE!

9:55 - Tamar Braxton was the girl who shit on the floor in Flavor of Love, right? Oh, shit they're announcing the winner. HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE.

9:57 - Is it weird that I would watch Sharon Needles's and Alaska's sex tape? They give me the weirdest boner.

10:00 - Are we going for a full hour and a half? I'm okay with this.

10:02 - Awwww, Dave Lara is here! He's adorable. And it's good to see Jinkx's family all back together. This is your one earnest moment of the night. I'll go back to making jokes about my dad jerking it in a bit.

10:06 - Roxxxy finally adresses the fact that she acted like a giganto mega-duper bitch on the show. Eh, honestly she's a lot nicer without the pressure of a title on her shoulders. Which is more than I can say for Phi Phi. Sorry not sorry, bitch.

10:11 - Before we announce the winner, one last dig at Coco. As it should be. Because she's terrible. And also the past winners, because remember Bebe Zahara Benet? That's a lie. No you don't.

10:13 - JINKX MONSOON WINS! YAY! Let's face it, we all knew she was going to win! And Alaska gets runner-up, presumably. You go, Alaska! And nothing for Roxxxy Mandrews. Good night!

[INT: The RuPaul's Drag Race Werkroom. Enter ALASKA, ROXXXY ANDREWS, JINKX MONSOON and NOT DETOX because her tupperware ass got sent packing last week.]

ROXXXY: Waaaaaaaah, I can't believe Detox got sent home. Now who am I going to 69 with? I blame you for this, Jinkx, so I'm going to spend the rest of the episode acting like a screaming bitch to you.

JINKX: Oh hey, Roxxxy's acting like a stupid douche. Is it Monday already? (TO ALASKA) So as the only other contestant with any conceivable shot at winning due to the fan vote, may the best woman win.

ALASKA: Yes, a warm condragulations to the final two! And also a buffalo in a dress. Sorry, Roxxxy.

(A hearty "Ooo girl, you got Shemail!" echoes through the room.)

PRE-RECORDED RUPAUL: Hey girls! Unless you somehow missed the last four seasons of RuPaul's Drag Race, it should be fairly obvious that this challenge is a shoot for my latest music video. Kinda self-serving, I know, but since I'm the only reason LOGO is still on the air, I could use their interns as livestock and no one would say anything.

(Enter MICHELLE VISAGE and CANDIS CAYNE.)

MICHELLE: I know, I too am amazed I can be this top-heavy and still be able to walk. Anyway, since RuPaul is currently in hair and makeup, Candis Cayne is going to teach you how to hold a chiffon scarf in front of an industrial fan.

CANDIS: Technically, this is considered dancing! Except no it isn't!

(ALASKA, ROXXXY and JINKX are taught how to make chiffon flow in the wind. An INORDINATE AMOUNT OF TIME is spent on this.)

[INT: CLOSED SET with MATHU ANDERSEN.]

MATHU: Despite the fact that I look like Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa, I'm actually the director of this thing. So who wants to spin around on a green screen while a chorus of chipmunk demons scream at you first?

ALASKA: I don't mean to nitpick here, but the narrative of this video is that we're in a courtroom, and then we drive a car to heaven, where everyone apparently wears neon tights. I guess what I'm trying to ask is, are you high?

MATHU: It would be more surprising if I wasn't.

(Everyone goes along with this, politely pretending like THIS MAKES SENSE.) 

[INT: COURT ROOM. Because WHY NOT.]

MATHU: Now, all of you need to play three different characters: a prosecutor, a defence attorney and a queen on trial. Your challenge is to create three different characters. Aaaaaaaand, GO!

JINKX: I'm playing a sobbing MILF, a hard-ass defence attorney and Foghorn Leghorn!

ALASKA: I'm playing raspy-voiced crone Cher and a femme fatale!

ROXXXY: I'm playing a bitch, a bitch and Phi Phi O'Hara! Who is also a bitch!

JINKX: What a stretch.

ROXXXY: Watch me attempt a spit-take! (OPENS MOUTH, UNLEASHES A TORRENT OF WATER.) Roxxxy used Hydro Pump!

ALASKA: It wasn't very effective . . .

[INT: Werkroom. It's been roughly FIVE MINUTES since Roxxxy had a meltdown, so you know what that means!]

ROXXXY: Neither of you deserve to win, because all your comic abilities are mocking the art of drag!

JINKX: That is -- I don't - I'm sorry, was your mother also technically your aunt or something?

ALASKA: Seriously, Roxxxy, I love you, but you've somehow made an argument that I can't refute, if only because it is DOGBALLS INSANE.

ROXXXY: (Talking-head segment) My mindfuck is working! With Alaska and Jinkx slightly confused, the crown is mine for the taking! There's no way this could possibly backfire, unless all the viewers who vote for the winner were to see me acting like a vindictive nutjob and turn against me!

(THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENS.)

[INT: Runway. Enter RUPAUL in a slight variation on the red dress she always wears.]

RUPAUL: Hey, everyone! Welcome to the final runway! Tonight, we're going to decide the winner of RuPaul's Drag Race, Season 5! And by "tonight," I mean "two weeks from now."

MICHELLE: What? 

SANTINO: What?

RUPAUL: Nothing. Bring out my girls!

(Enter ROXXXY, in a caped, green-sequined dress, JINKX in a purple princess gown and ALASKA in a white lace dress.)

RUPAUL: All right, girls, the time has come for you to convince me and everyone watching as to why you should win using arguments you came up with during your segment with Gloria Allred. No, I'm not quite sure how we got her, either. Maybe she lost a bet or something.

ROXXXY: Well, remember how during last season's final three, all the girls had a moment of vulnerability where they apologized for their cattier moments? Well, I didn't do that. America's next drag superstar needs to have the conviction to stubbornly stick to her petty impotent rage until the very end!

JINKX: I deserve to win because, statistically speaking, I've done better than any other contestant to ever appear on this show. I'm the most well-rounded and have performed consistently well in every challenge. I have a generally positive outlook on life and --

ROXXXY: I'm just gonna butt in here and apologize to Jinkx for things I said. Surely, that vague apology will soften me in the eyes of the judges!

SANTINO: Not even close. Nice try though, Also-Ran.

ALASKA: Since Roxxxy took out Jinkx for me, that leaves me open to actually do what the judges asked for: read the other contestants. Jinkx can't sew for shit, and Roxxxy is bitchy all the time because she's the only wooly mammoth left in existence. Give me the crown now please.

RUPAUL: Hmmmmmm . . . Nope, still can't decide. Maybe if you all lip-synched for your life one last time.

(ALASKA, JINKX, and ROXXXY lip-sync to RuPaul's "The Beginning." Jinkx pirouettes, Alaska rolls around on the floor, and Roxxxy twirls around her cape. Somewhere out there, EDNA MODE seethes with rage.)

RUPAUL: Nah, still can't decide. I guess we'll just have to wait two weeks for the finale. Until then, you can send me your thoughts on Twitter, Facebook, tumblr, Pinterest, 4Chan, Reddit, Xtube, Squirt, urbanmoms, recon or by carrier pidgeon! Byeeeeeeeee!

We're down to the final four on this season of RuPaul's Drag Race, and you know what that means: Puppets! Bitchery! Balls (the drag kind, not the testicular kind)! At this point, there's a one-in-four chance of getting the boot, which means that some queens are going to keep their nose to the grindstone, while others will take every chance they get to try to stab a sister in the back. Let's take a look at the shit that werked and the shit that shat.

Coco Montrese is gone this week, as evidenced by the sudden lack of Tang powder and the lack of outraged shouting. Her lack of bitchery apparently broke the seventh seal that unleashes Roxxxy Andrews's latent vitriolic nature, because she wastes no time in going after Alaska and Jinkx Monsoon, since neither of them have had to lip-sync yet. Roxxxy seems to exist in a warped plane of existence, where being in the bottom two is a good thing, having a diverse skill set makes you a one-trick pony, and all the challenges are secretly decided by sheer luck. Someone needs to hand this bitch a free CD already, because it's not fucking cute.

Before Roxxxy can go on further about how the winner of Drag Race is decided by a capuchin monkey spinning a wheel, Oooo, Girl! You got Shemail! RuPaul names a bunch of candy bars (which I picked up on because I'm secretly a fat bitch trapped in the body of an even fatter bitch) before boy Ru comes in with a gloryhole and a bunch of puppets. Yes, they're recycling the Puppet Bitchfest mini-challenge from last year, which I adore because PUPPETS! WHEEEE!

Jinkx and her Detox puppet are funny, if not overtly spectacular, although the biggest payoff is the revelation that Detox refers to her surgically swollen lips as "double decker pecker wreckers." Detox, in turn, makes her puppet Alaska whiny and not much else. Roxxxy brings the fun to a screeching halt when she uses her puppet Jinkx to take a bunch of bitchy, underhanded pot-shots at her competitor, but thankfully the show is saved by Alaska, who turns things back on Roxxxy by mocking her for her reliance on tearaway dresses, double wigs and catch phrases. Needless to say, Alaska is the winner, if only for reviving the room after Roxxxy's lack of humour murders it.

In continuing tradition, RuPaul announces that the challenge this week is a ball. Specifically, THE SUGAR BALL! The queens have to prepare looks for three categories, including a Super Duper Sweet 16, Executive Realness and Candy Couture. (You may recognize the Candy Couture challenge from both Project Runway and Face Off. But shut up because Drag Race is better.) As her reward for winning, Alaska gets a 15-second headstart to pick through all the candy, which ranges from candy necklaces to swirly lollipops to GIANT FUCKING GUMMI BEARS OH MY GAWD WANT.

Of course Roxxxy is all smiles because it's a sewing challenge, which she repeatedly states is her strong suit and not Alaska's or Jinkx's. Roxxxy may be a talented queen, but she seems to be stuck in the belief that there is only one way to do drag: her way. To her, Alaska's gawky weirdness and Jinkx's old-school Broadway talent has no place in the competition. While this may not be Jinkx's challenge, she's placed high in the competition more often than any queen to ever walk through the door, while Alaska's ability to work with unconventional materials and take calculated risks will serve her much better than Roxxxy's narrower scope.

Before the queens can get too comfortable with their looks, boy Ru comes back to check on their progress. Ru is actually quite fond of Alaska's cotton-candy ballerina look, and because she's using cotton fabric instead of its candy counterpart, she doesn't have to worry about her dress melting. Detox's sour-green and black-liquorice dress isn't all that, and it prompts Ru to ask if she's actually passionate about winning. Jinkx's decision to make a candy cane/reindeer monster outfit raises Ru's eyebrow, mostly because the idea needs to be edited down. But it's Roxxxy who gets the harshest critique, and it's enough to make her scrap her weirdly angular dress in favour of a tassled gown made of liquorice strings.

Just when the queens think boy Ru's reign of terror is over, she drops one last bombshell on them: they're going to have to do a musical number, and Alaska is in charge of choreography. Alaska. The queen with all the grace and coordination of Paula Abdul falling down the stairs. Eep. Despite Roxxxy and Detox's constant eye-rolling, Alaska's decision to keep it simple and precise works to her favour, since the song they're doing sounds like a collaboration between the Lollipop Guild and the Oompa-Loompas.

When the time comes for the queens to make it to the stage, Alaska has put together an opening number that placates the judging panel, made up of Ru, Michelle Visage, Santino Rice, a seemingly confused Marg Helgenberger and a delighted Bob Mackie (!!!). The queens come out for the first category, Super Duper Sweet 16, with Alaska turning out a slinky black party dress that she plays up with a bratty character. Jinkx tries to make her turquoise Coachella hippie dress work, but it ends up looking a little old for 16. Roxxxy livens up her blue sequined dress with marshmallow corsages, but it looks like something she's done a million times before. Detox goes for a neon pink '80s look, but like Jinkx she doesn't veer modern enough.

The next category: executive realness. Alaska goes for a perfectly tailored pantsuit, detailed with power-lesbian hair, a hard hat and blueprints. Jinkx wears an orange blazer and skirt, but styling it with a wig filled with writing instruments makes her look like a high school librarian. Roxxxy, having apparently never seen a professional workplace before, decides to wear a tearaway cape because that's something people wear to the office. Detox pulls out the big guns with a Thierry Mugler blue pantsuit (which some might recognize from her mannequin number), but her choice of a frazzled grey wig sinks it for me.

And finally, we have the candy couture. Alaska, adept at working with bizzare materials as evidenced by her positively divine plastic wrap gown from the first episode, knocks it out of the park with a cotton candy tutu. Jinkx falls short with her couture, going for camp over couture with a candy-cane-inspired bustier and skirt ensemble topped off with antlers. Roxxxy's liquorice tassle dress, while pretty, once again looks like something she's already done to death. Finally, Detox's sour-green dress, accented by black liquorice, is a mess of ideas competing for attention that both literally and figuratively trips her up.

Before RuPaul has her capuchin monkey spin the wheel backstage, she decides to ask the girls who they think should be kicked off. Sensing an opportunity to knock out their biggest competition, everyone unanimously agrees on Jinkx, while Jinkx meekly offers her opinion that Detox should be sent packing. While the queens head backstage so that Roxxxy and Detox can suck each other off some more and Alaska can admit to Jinkx that she only threw her under the bus because she's the biggest threat, Ru deliberates with the judges. HA! Just kidding! She gives her helper monkey a banana so that he'll spin the wheel and give the win to Alaska.

Roxxxy is given a safe card while Jinkx and Detox end up lip-synching to Yma Sumac's "Malambo No 1." The ensuing faceoff is quite possibly one of the most one-sided lip-syncs in the show's herstory. If you pit Gary Busey against an oncoming bullet train in a boxing match, it would still be considered a fairer fight than this. Jinkx is all over the campy, operatic number like Roxxxy on a fluffernutter sandwich, and Detox can only lip-wiggle in her wake. If Jinkx had picked up Detox by her ankles, turned her upside-down and literally mopped the stage with her, it would have been less painful to watch. And so, with a departing cry of "MEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHSH!" RuPaul's Drag Race officially gets Detox out of its system.

And somewhere out there, a capuchin monkey rubs its hands together conspiratorially. "All according to plan," he says. "All according to plan."

It's the final five on RuPaul's Drag Race, which means it's time for the annual makeover challenge. This year, RuPaul's Drag Race celebrates the end of Don't Ask, Don't Tell by putting army boys and seamen in drag for your amusement, so let's take a look at the shit that worked and the shit that shat.

As you may have noticed, the workroom is now devoid of weird faces and a general air of zero self-awareness. Yes, Alyssa Edwards and her non-existent chin have been sent packing, and to the surprise of no one, Coco Montrese isn't about to put on some Adele and think about the good ol' days. If anything, the queens are downright relieved. At this point, the queens have undone the ties of sisterhood and are now using them to garrote one another. Jinkx Monsoon is in the most danger as the season's golden girl, and the bitch better watch out since the others know where she sleeps! (It's basically anywhere because, you know, narcolepsy.)

Anyway, the next day RuPaul sends the queens a SheMail about spackle, which for some reason leads me to believe this week's challenge will involve flipping a house. Boy Ru enters the workroom along with "Storm," a personal trainer who was apparently named after one of the X-Men. Storm is here to make the queens sweat it out in a workout mini-challenge. The queens are forced into pink camo tank tops and high heels before Storm has them fail at jumping jacks and sit-ups. (For some reason, this Seanbaby article came to mind.) One by one, Storm picks off the queens until Alaska is arbitrarily chosen as the fitness queen, but not before we get the joy of seeing Jinkx's weird exercise faces.

It's at this point that Ru drops the main challenge: the girls must spackle some drywall in her condo -- I mean, the queens have to make over a bunch of gay servicemen. As the winner, Alaska gets to pair off the queens with their GI Joes and decides to do so "fairly" by pairing up everyone based on who's across from them. Roxxxy gets the hairy bear, Jinkx gets an older fellow, Coco gets the beefy Latino, Detox gets the muscle bottom (I'm assuming here), and Alaska saves herself the tall, statuesque twink. Needless to say, no one's happy except for Alaska, because her guy's pretty, and Detox, because her guy knows how to walk in heels and is gayer than five guys fucking six guys.

If previous iterations of the makeover challenge have taught us anything, the guys who are the biggest challenge to make over tend to pay off in the end. And as Raven found out in Season 2, it's a lot easier to shave off body hair than it is to teach someone to walk in high heels when they have the grace of pubic lice. This is once again the case, as all it takes to turn Roxxxy's bear into a curvaceous mini-me is a set of clippers, while Alaska's guy hobbles along in his heels like someone with two sleeping feet.

But it's Jinkx's guy, Dave Lara, who ends up stealing the show. As the oldest guy there, he shares with Jinkx the sort of old-school camp that she's known for and has plenty of stories about fighting for equal rights back in the days when shows like the one we're currently recapping didn't -- and couldn't -- exist. They share a tender moment when Dave reveals he's HIV-positive, and Jinkx makes sure she doesn't put his health at risk with all the work they have to do. He has stories about being outed to his superiors in the US Navy, he has a sense of history that no other queen but Jinkx could appreciate, and . . . well, I'll let this image sum up the single greatest thing about him.

HE KNEW JUDY GARLAND. I mean, granted, he also indirectly killed her, but still, brownie points! Just as the queens are getting acquainted with their drag daughters, boy Ru decides to throw one last curveball at them: they have to perform a colour-guard performance on the mainstage. For those of you who, like me, assumed that was a form of detergent, colour guard is where you twirl flags. Why is Ru making them do this? Because RuPaul maintains her youthful vigour and slim figure by drinking the tears of drag queens. This season has been especially appetizing.

Speaking of queens in massive amounts of pain, we've been neglecting Detox. This episode, she finally opens up about her plastic surgery to her adorable little pocket gay of a partner. Turns out, a couple years ago Detox got into a nasty car accident wherein she collided with the back of a truck while she was riding a motorcycle and she ended up losing most of her forehead. In case you were wondering about all the plastic surgery, most of it is reconstructive rather than cosmetic. And that lip wiggle is going to come in handy, because it's time for . . .

The mainstage! RuPaul walks the runway in a stunning black dress -- it's probably the best she's looked in five seasons -- and she's joined on the judging panel by Michelle, Santino, Clinton Kelly from What Not to Wear and George Kotsiopoulos from Fashion Police. Now that you're vaguely aware of their existence, let's move on to the colour guard! Jinkx and Fortuna do a shoutout to Gypsy and Mama Rose, tapping in nicely to the queer criterion, while Roxxxy and Isabella's flag-waving is simple and precise. The others do slightly less well, with Alaska and Nebraska sword-fighting with their flags standing in for their penises, Detox drops her flag as her daughter Beth Adone smacks her in the face, and Coco Montrese is just "meh." 

Roxxxy and Jinkx rise to the top of the pack, thanks to a pair of solid transformations. Jinkx and Fortuna go for classic flapper looks, walking down the runway together arm in arm to show the connection between them. Roxxxy makes a clone of herself in Isabella, once again dipping into the well of cape-reveal-skin-tight-one-piece that she's been riding through the competition. Expected, but it works for her. While I personally would have given the win to Jinkx and Fortuna, Ru gives it to Roxxxy based on how similar she and her drag daughter are. As the winners, they get a shopping spree to . . . American Apparel? Really? Okay, then. They get American Apparel. Good for them.

So the bottom(ish) three are Alaska, Detox and Coco. For the most part, Alaska did pretty well, putting her and her daughter up in Catwoman-esque catsuits. That being said, when it's down to the final five, "pretty well" isn't going to cut. Neither will Alaska's janky padding job on Nebraska, whose hips look like she's smuggling a pair of six-packs in her pants. But she's given a reprieve as Detox and Coco end up in the bottom two. Detox's questionable style choices bite her in the ass, as the judges describe her and her daughter as Raggedy Anne dolls, and the less said about her clusterfuck of a colour guard number the better.

After three lip-syncs, Coco Montrese finally finds her final failure in her drag daughter, Horcheta. Coco's biggest challenge -- other than an unpleasant attitude, lack of acting ability, bad fashion choices and inability to sing -- is that she doesn't know how to paint for TV, as exemplified by her orange highlights, and she sure as hell doesn't know how to paint others. Horcheta's makeup ends up being a road map of failure, with thin lines of highlight under the cut of her cheek that makes her look like she has a beard and eye paint that makes her look part feline. Horcheta ends up looking like Lil' Kim currently does, and it's clear that this is Coco's last stop.

In light of their fuck-ups, Coco and Detox have to lip-sync for their lives to "Two To Make It Right," as sung by Seduction (aka, Michelle Visage's pre-Drag Race girl group). Coco's dancing and lip-synching is once again tight as the strings on a fiddle, but she doesn't make much of a connection to the song or the judges, while Detox makes the wise decision to zero in on Michelle Visage and make sure that she maintains a connection at all times. Despite a lip-wiggle that makes Michelle cringe, Detox plays it smart enough to win the round and send Coco home. So long, Coco! We'll always remember you for being orange. 

After a two-week break, RuPaul's Drag Race is back with a brand-new episode that sees the queens acting in Spanish soap operas. Let's take a look at the shit that worked and the shit that mierda.

The queens return to the work room after the elimination of IVYYYYYYYYY WINTERSSSSSSS (we are legally required to write it as such,) and Jinkx Monsoon wastes no time in mourning her loss, before turning around on Coco Montrese and bitching her out for dismissing her as a "comedy queen." Yeah, this season has been dipping its bucket in the comedy versus pageant well pretty often this season, but I can't entirely blame it: after Sharon Needles's win last year, the major theme of this season has been about expanding the definition of what drag can be. In the past, queens like Pandora Boxx were raked over the coals, while pageant girls like Tyra Sanchez were lauded constantly. This season has seen the inclusion of an openly trans queen as well as a surge in popularity for the campy queens. Despite the purported title of "Season of the Fish," this season seems to be about reexamining what exactly is expected of a drag queen. All right, enough with that. How about we . . .

Cut to the next day, with boy Ru in a sharing circle with the other queens in their best grieving-widow realness. The challenge here is to cry on cue, which is . . . Yeah, does anyone else feel like that's just a tiny bit uncomfortable? For the most part, the queens all sort of scrunch up their faces as if their heads are made of sponges and they're trying to literally wring the sadness out through their eyeballs. Detox, however, sees the row of grieving faces and remembers her ex-boyfriend, whom she found dead in her home. It's enough to elicit some actual tears from her, so in exchange for traumatizing one of her girls, Ru gives the win to Detox and . . . I don't know, Alyssa I guess. Fuck it.

As the winners, Detox and Alyssa get to pick their teams for the challenge: the queens have to act in a telenovela. If you thought watching drag queens try to act was awkward enough, now they have to act with Spanish accents. Detox takes the opportunity to reform Rolaskatox to Alaska's chagrin, while Alyssa picks up Jinkx and Coco. (Jaloco? Colyssinkx? Oh, who gives a shit, they all hate each other anyway.) Team Rolaskatox's biggest hurdle seems to be that Detox is relying on a really hideous mask, which, while technically a risk, is the wrong kind of risk. Meanwhile, on team AlyssaJinkxCoco, the big problem once again is Alyssa's lack of self-awareness. Alyssa may be a passably attractive queen, but she never quite seems to be aware of what she's doing, and when it comes to acting, that's a pretty big liability.

Rolaskatox is up first, acting out a scene featuring a mass suicide over the death of surprise-guest-star Fez! I mean Wilmer Valderrama, who apparently had a long day recording voiceover for Handy Manny because he could not give less of a shit about anything that's happening. The actual stars of the show all fare decently well, although Roxxxy still can't get her timing down, Alaska's stage slaps all miss by five feet, and Detox spends an hour pouring out fake poison.

On team Jinkx and the Also-Rans, Jinkx and Alyssa have to act out a mother and daughter who literally orgasm themselves to death over food, a premise that is exactly as promising as it sounds. Despite the weak set-up, Jinkx completely steals the show, as her comic timing is precise down to the millisecond, and her fake orgasms are hysterically funny. The same cannot be said for Alyssa, whose orgasms sound like a manatee commiting seppuku. Coco almost does well but ends up tripping over herself when she sees Fez. Apparently, there's something about whatsisname's bland handsomeness that has her splooshing.

In the workroom before the mainstage showing, the queens gang up on Alyssa's back-to-back lip-syncs. Alyssa, who's been consistently bottoming out over the competition, seems intent on lip-synching her way to the top, once again completely misreading what the competition is supposed to be. Alyssa may be a terrific dancer, but as you can see, she's not exactly the best at understanding the guidelines of the competition. Which, come to think of it, may be why she ended up losing her crown. Huh. Well, Alyssa's decision to lip-sync her way to the top is going to bite her in the ass soon, because it's time for the runway! RuPaul walks the catwalk in a beautiful, flowing blue dress, and she's joined at the judge's table by Michelle Visage, Santino Rice, Jamie-Lynn Sigler and Maria Conchita Alonso.

The top three are Alaska, Jinkx and Roxxxy this week. Roxxxy may not have the best timing, but those flubs have been edited out of the final product, and her runway look benefits from a simpler hand and cleaner style choices. Alaska is widely lauded for her acting talent and her comedic skills, and while her flamenco dress and maracas aren't necessarily a hit, she sells the garment like a pro. But it's Jinkx who really steals the show, pulling the weight for her team and doing a Dia de Muertos skeleton look that puts her improved makeup skills on full display. Jinkx may be the youngest and campiest, but she's the clear frontrunner at this point, and she earns another win.

The bottom three spots go to Detox, Coco and Alyssa. Detox wasn't necessarily bad, but a debatable runway look is enough to have her edged out by Roxxxy. With only six queens left, if you're not in the top at this point, you're in the bottom. But the real bottom two are obviously Coco and Alyssa. Neither one has been making strides in the competition, and this episode finally pits them head-to-head. The judges love Coco's look -- an orange jumpsuit with flowing sleeves. -- but her blanked lines are enough to place her in the bottom. Alyssa crashes and burns the hardest once again, and between garbled, incomprehensible performance and a raggedy dress that Santino dubs the worst he's seen in five years on the show, Alyssa's going to be relying on her "fail and then lip synch back into the competition" plan again.

So here it is, everyone. The Alyssa/Coco duel you all knew would be coming. The two former friends have to lip-sync to Paula Abdul's "Cold Hearted," and the ensuing dance-off is a no-holds-barred fight to the death. Alyssa jumps into the air, spins around and lands in a split, but when Coco flares her sleeves and hits every word with pinpoint precision, it's all but over: Coco finally beats Alyssa. When the dust settles, Coco chantay you stays, while Alyssa finally sashays away. It's a fittingly dramatic end to a dramatic episode.