What the hell, PETA?

Look, we get it: animal rights are important. I'm all for treating animals with respect and dignity, but it's really hard to root for you guys when you can't get your point across without acting like a bunch of overly horny teenagers.

In the new ad for going vegan, PETA hired a group of men to whip around their produce-as-metaphorical-penises to show that going vegan increases your stamina. Apparently, the argument is that the fat and cholesterol in meat inhibits the flow of blood to your junk. Just putting this out there, but you do realize that a) your cholesterol can be influenced by factors other than your diet, such as familial hypercholesterolemia, a genetic condition, and b) omnivores can maintain low cholesterol and good health by eating in moderation and exercising regularly?

All I'm saying is, if you want to go vegan? Fantastic, go right ahead. What you put in your body is your choice and yours alone. Just don't try and justify it using correlational data and sensationalist fuckery like this. 

All right, let me level with you here: it's cold, it's dark, it's windy, it's raining like a motherfucker, and there are already parts of Toronto that are without power thanks to Hurricane Sandy. 'TIS TIME FOR LEVITY AND/OR PENISES.

If you haven't caught the video for Taylor Swift's new single, which may or may not be about how Jake Gyllenhaal dumped her . . . it's kind of fucking crazy. Like, people in animal costumes who are clearly at the world's worst rave crazy.

But amid all the craziness and break-up teenaged angst bullshit, there's a little touch of gay porn! No, seriously: turns out the guy with whom Swift will never ever ever get back together is actually gay porn model Mike de Marko, who's shot with Cocksure Men (shout out to Jasun Mark!) and Gay Room. And in case you're wondering: bottom. He's a bottom. Which just proves my sneaking suspicion that Taylor Swift is actually a strap-on-packing top. Case closed.

(via Queer Me Now) 

You know what's weird? I got an email tip in my inbox today about Foreskin Awareness, and it's still probably the least crazy tip I've received from my blog readers.

Anyway, true story about foreskin: my penis (Did I mention I'm a professional blogger? BECAUSE I AM) is cut. So sadly, no foreskin. But growing up, I had a friend who showed me his foreskin, to which my immediate response was "Huh . . . well that's weird. Wanna play Super Smash Bros?" And then we did because that game was the shit. And then I didn't see foreskin up close and personal again until I was an adult and was capable of doing adult things with uncut penises.

Anyway, there's good news if you're a fan of foreskin and want to know how best to have fun with it: the Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project (Or Can-FAP for sho- Oh, hey, I just got that!) is coming to Toronto for Pride and will be featured in a booth during the street festival! Here's the press release:  

Canada's foreskins are as mad as hell, and they're not going to take this anymore. 

That’s the message of the Canadian Foreskin Awareness Project, Canada’s feistiest pro-foreskin advocacy group. CAN-FAP promotes foreskin education, appreciation and stimulation, and advocates for the human right of all children — male, female, and intersex— to grow up with intact genitals. “32 years after the Canadian Paediatric Society confirmed that infant circumcision is medically unnecessary, parents continue to violate the bodies and rights of their sons with circumcision,” states CAN-FAP founder Glen Callender. “And most do it because they believe the foreskin is ‘dirty’ and ‘abnormal’. It’s pure ignorance, and clearly, something drastic needs to be done.”

So Callender created Foreskin Awareness Booth, a guerrilla tent show in which he demonstrates his foreskin to the public. In a short educational-comedy anatomy lesson he describes as “like Puppetry of the Penis, but political,” Callender answers such common questions as “What is foreskin?” “Is foreskin difficult to clean?” and “What shocking and hilarious things can you do with a foreskin and a handful of red seedless grapes?” It’s an unforgettable show that never fails to get people talking about the value of foreskin, the harm of circumcision, and the human rights of baby boys.

Foreskin Awareness Booth will appear at the Pride Toronto Street Fair from June 29 - July 1. See http://can-fap.net/events.shtml for performance times. Be there, or be foreskin-unaware! 

I, too, would like to know how a human can combine foreskin and grapes to create fun and whimsy. Unless it involves turning those grapes into raisins, because ew. FUCKING EW. Seriously, raisins are the worst and they are weird and unnatural.

Religion and sex have never exactly been close buddies. Most religions tend to look down on any form of sex that isn't for the sake of procreation, because really, what's the point of sex if it can't be used to simultaneously pump out a new batch of followers?

Enter Marc Angenent, a Christian missionary who now runs his own sex-toy website, where he helps teach Christian couples how not to get all bent out of shape over sex. Which sounds all good and fine, except he apparently has a thing against SM and porn, mostly because he doesn't want to freak out his clients, but still . . . seriously? Dildos and vibrators are a-okay, but leather and twink-fucking is where shit goes wrong? That just seems arbitrary. (Via Spiegel)

One married Catholic couple wrote Marc Angenent a despairing email. They hadn't slept together for five years. They thought they could only sleep together when they wanted to conceive a child. That's how they interpreted the Humane Vitae, the papal dictate of 1968. Angenent decided that he wouldn't just help those that came into his living room.

Recently he's given up his post as minister. He has now found his true calling as a sex therapist and on the side he has his erotic business. His decision not to stock whips and fetish articles is not meant to be prescriptive. He just didn't want to shock the Christian community. That's also why he doesn't show naked men and women or pornographic images on his website.

Call me crazy, but ummmmm . . . have you seen the engines on some vibrators? I swear to God, I saw one once that used a goddamn Hemi engine. The damn thing sounded like a chainsaw and looked like a medieval mace. I'm just saying, different people find different things sexy or terrifying. Or both. Sometimes, terrifying can be sexy, too . . .  

It is said that at the beginning of every January, David Beckham's penis comes out of its slumber and crawls out into the sunlight. If it sees its shadow, it retreats back in and it's six more weeks of cold.

I'm pretty sure that's not true, but I needed to keep your attention for at least a little while before I pointed out the new underwear ad David Beckham is in. And in this one, they finally made Beckham's bulge look like an actual human penis. You can almost make out his schlong through his underwear, and you've all stopped reading and are currently staring at David Beckham's penis, aren't you? Fine. Pudding elephant Calgary waffle iron. No one will ever read that thanks to David Beckham's cock.