Because Rule 34 demands it, the Occupy movement now has its own little gay porno, thanks to the people at Dirty Boy Video. And as the resident porn culture analyst (heeeeee . . .  anal-yst), I decided I might as well take a good look at it and weigh the pros and cons so that I can decide for all of you if it's a good idea.

PRO: It raises awareness of the gay community in the Occupy movement . . . 

The queer community has sort of been downplayed in the already minimal media coverage of the Occupy movement, so yes, the fact that there's now a gay porn spoofing the movement does show that there's been a strong backing from the gay community.

CON: . . . while completely misreading the point of the protests.

The point of the protests is to promote fiscal responsibility, and a million-dollar porn company using them to sell a scene rings a bit . . . gauche. Like using the good silverware to scratch your butt. Sure it feels good, but you still get ass-crack hair tangled in your salad fork.

PRO: It spoofs an overly serious subject . . . 

Let's face it: the Occupy movement is ripe for parody, and as much as I support it, anyone who can take the piss out of these guys gets a standing O from me.

CON: . . . but the sex still feels awkwardly shoehorned in.

As I said before, just because you can make a parody of it doesn't mean you should. If you need to figure out if you should, use this litmus test: does the sex make sense within the confines of the spoof? In Getting Levi's Johnson, it worked because it spoofed something where sex was already incorporated into the story, so the spoof made sense and felt natural. As opposed to To Fuck a Predator, where a heavy-handed show about pedophiles was injected with gay sex, which felt a little less so. It's not so much about not spoofing things as it is a matter of knowing what subjects make sense within the parameters of gay porn. (And at the very least, they could have thrown in a "We are the 69 percent joke." How did they not see that one?)

PRO: Boys . . . pretty boys.

'Nuff said.

CON: Oh shut up. PRETTY BOYS! YAY!

Yup, pro-side wins. 

If you've never read through Lemony Snicket's Series of Unfortunate Events -- because you assume that it's a children's series, so why bother -- go read them right now. Or if you can't barrell through all 13 books, at least pick up Adverbs by Daniel Handler (the author's actual name. Go fig.) Anyway, Snicket/Handler decided to post a 13-item list on Neil Gaiman's website (if you're an English major, you probably just came) explaining Occupy Wall St to the one percent who don't get it. And here they are:

 

1. If you work hard, and become successful, it does not necessarily mean you are successful because you worked hard, just as if you are tall with long hair it doesn’t mean you would be a midget if you were bald.

2. “Fortune” is a word for having a lot of money and for having a lot of luck, but that does not mean the word has two definitions.

3. Money is like a child — rarely unaccompanied. When it disappears, look to those who were supposed to be keeping an eye on it while you were at the grocery store. You might also look for someone who has a lot of extra children sitting around, with long, suspicious explanations for how they got there.

4. People who say money doesn’t matter are like people who say cake doesn’t matter — it’s probably because they’ve already had a few slices.

5. There may not be a reason to share your cake. It is, after all, yours. You probably baked it yourself, in an oven of your own construction with ingredients you harvested yourself. It may be possible to keep your entire cake while explaining to any nearby hungry people just how reasonable you are.

6. Nobody wants to fall into a safety net, because it means the structure in which they’ve been living is in a state of collapse and they have no choice but to tumble downwards. However, it beats the alternative.

7. Someone feeling wronged is like someone feeling thirsty. Don’t tell them they aren’t. Sit with them and have a drink.

8. Don’t ask yourself if something is fair. Ask someone else — a stranger in the street, for example.

9. People gathering in the streets feeling wronged tend to be loud, as it is difficult to make oneself heard on the other side of an impressive edifice.

10. It is not always the job of people shouting outside impressive buildings to solve problems. It is often the job of the people inside, who have paper, pens, desks and an impressive view.

11. Historically, a story about people inside impressive buildings ignoring or even taunting people standing outside shouting at them turns out to be a story with an unhappy ending.

12. If you have a large crowd shouting outside your building, there might not be room for a safety net if you’re the one tumbling down when it collapses.

13. 99 percent is a very large percentage. For instance, easily 99 percent of people want a roof over their heads, food on their tables and the occasional slice of cake for dessert. Surely an arrangement can be made with that niggling one percent who disagree.

 

So this happened:

Seriously, would you look at that crowd? This is what the other 99 percent looks like. To all the volunteer facilitators and those who camped out: bless your hearts for toughing it out out there. And, of course, even if you're not a camper, everyone should stop by St James Park at least once just to see the movement in its entirety and appreciate the sheer power this movement is having on the world at large.

Sadly, the revolution will not be televised. It will, however, be tweeted.

Tomorrow marks the beginning of Occupy Toronto, an offshoot of Anonymous's Occupy Wallstreet. For those of you interested in participating, the meeting place will be at King and Bay streets in the Financial District at 10am. I'll be attending the event and tweeting about it, as I'm sure will various other members of the Xtra Toronto staff, so you can follow me, Andrea Houston and Xtra magazine itself for more up-to-date information on the proceedings.