1. "Your grandmother is 78-years-old. SEVENTY. EIGHT. She doesn't have that much time left, and she wants to do some weed before she dies. Grow a pair and find her some weed. Also, I don't want to drive her home afterward, so rent a car."
2. "Oh my god, did you hear about Whitney Houston? This is why we take showers, Jeremy. You can't drown in a shower. Unless you're stupid, in which case . . . you kinda deserve it."
3. "If I want to wear high heels to my nana's funeral, I get to wear high heels to my nana's funeral."
4. (Immediately after her heels get caught in the mud, and she falls into Nana's open grave) "I should not have worn high heels to Nana's funeral."
5. "You know what's better than wrapping a Christmas present? Wrapping a Christmas present using saran wrap, Froot Loops, hockey tape, shot glasses, gimp and a cracker. Also a towel."
6. "Did you know you were conceived to Madonna's 'Vogue'? It explains a lot about the way you turned out."
7. "Every mattress is queen-sized when you're gay."
8. "Drag queens are like poppers: most straight people have heard of them, but not a single straight knows what they do."
9. "Every movie about a dog will inevitably end with the dog dying, unless the dog can play a sport. Like basketball. Or polo."
10. "I want an iPad for my birthday. Four of you came out of my bing-bang and it hasn't been the same ever since. You owe me an iPad."

1. Never get a tattoo of a butterfly. If you do, you might as well get "huge slut with daddy issues" tattooed on your forehead.

2. Shoulder pads are the goddamn devil. Whoever thought it would be a good idea for every woman alive in the '80s to stuff padding under her shirt, making her look like a linebacker, should be dragged out into the street and shot. 

3. Never sleep with a drummer. It makes you seem desperate, and he'll just end up stealing your TV and pawning it off for crystal meth money. Either fuck the guitarist or keep your legs closed.

4. If you're going to go blonde, your skin tone must be either guido orange or Aryan white. Anything in between is just going to look weird.

5. Sex is a beautiful thing that happens between two people who love each other very much. Anal is $200, cash up front.

6. No one looks good in white jeans. No one. In fact, the '90s just called. They want to let you know that even in the '90s, white jeans made you look like a big gay whore.

7. Never drink anything given to you by an older man in a business suit. That's not carbonation, that's a roofie.

8. "To Sir with Love" is the best song ever. Anyone who says otherwise is a lying liar who tells lies.

9. Sarah Palin is a fucking cunt (said VERBATIM by my mother during a 2008 vice-presidential debate).

10. It's incredibly easy to love people when they do exactly what you want them to do. It's when they start doing shit you disapprove of that the real test begins. Eventually, you have to let your kids go, so they can fuck up their own lives for a change. But don't worry: if you raise them right, they'll buy you a sweet house when you get old.