Bad news, guys! The fame-whoring birther and Tea Party candidate who has a reality show has just announced there will be no run for the presidency on the Republican ticket! No, not that bitch -- the other one.
That's right: Donald Trump announced today that he won't be running for president, probably because there are more pressing issues at hand. I mean, whom will he choose to win Celebrity Apprentice? Marlee Matlin or John Rich? I am at the back of my seat with lack of anticipation!
But honestly, I actually am a little crushed that he didn't run. I mean sure, it would have been a complete mockery of democracy, but you're missing the most important part:
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING INSANE AND AWESOME.
Let's face it – the system is broken! Democracy rewards those who most want power, which makes it a breeding ground for narcissistic sociopaths. Merkinhead would have been the only logical conclusion. Seriously: it would have been the first time a James Bond villain was on the ticket.
Think about it. Barack Obama is calm, cool and collected, and he doesn't look half bad shirtless. Merkinhead, on the other hand, is a rich megalomaniac who's trying to take over America. If that isn't the setup to at least one kickass action movie, I will shit a brick. And the best part is, the entire thing would have culminated with an awesome fight scene that included exploding helicopters, car chases and evil robot sharks that shoot lasers and bees.
It would have been the first time that anyone actually gave a shit about voting. But nooooooooooo. Apparently, Donald Trump thinks we need another season of D-list, business-playing celebs instead of awesome robot sharks. Fuck your mother, Merkinhead. Fuck your mother so hard.