If you followed my advice yesterday, you completely ignored the Super Bowl and instead focused on the superior Puppy Bowl, where everyone is a winner! Except for those who are allergic to dogs. Anyway, thanks to the magic of the internet, I have managed to absorb most of what happened via osmosis. But only the gay parts, which I have listed meticulously for your convenience.

Sexiest and They Know It: LMFAO

No, Seriously: How Is He Straight?-est: Cee Lo

Please Let This Be an Orgy: Please?

Gayest Commercial: Elton John's Pepsi ad

Vagina-est Vagina: Madonna

Finger That Single-Fingeredly Destroyed America: MIA's middle finger

Most Destroyed Balls: This guy's testi . . . OH MY GOD, GET HIM TO A HOSPITAL 

Do the Carpets Match the Drapes?: Yes

Most WTF Leg: This guy

Oh Yeah, I Guess She Was There, Too: Sorry, Nicki  

I really tried to avoid Madonna's "Give Me All Your Luvin." I really did. It's not that it's a bad video; I just knew that as soon as it dropped, every gay boy would be on it like Kim Kardashian on a black dick (THE BITCH KNOWS I CALLED DIBS!).

And I was doing so well letting everyone else have their precious Madonna until it happened: like a gift from the invisible bearded giant who lives in the sky, someone at Logo noticed something peculiar about Madonna's jacket. What you're about to see cannot be unseen here either:

Yes, Madonna's newest reinvention is . . . Sharon Needles.

Sorry, I didn't imbue that with the level of gravitas it deserved. The one, the only, the future winner of RuPaul's Drag Race and the fiercest demon queen ever to claw her way out of R'lyeh, Sharon Needles. Turns out, Madonna and Sharon Needles both rocked the exact same jacket, although I have to admit, Sharon pulled it off way better.

Although all in all, it makes perfect sense that Madonna would choose Sharon Needles as her next reinvention. Both drink the blood of virgins (Madonna in order to maintain her youth, Sharon just for the taste), both must sleep during the day buried in their native soils, and both have eight-inch cocks. I've seen them both with my own eyes! 

There's an up-side to writing this column at the end of the night: sure, I run the risk of getting scooped on all the good stories, but every once in a while, a story will land in my lap at the twilight hour and it will be pure comedic gold.

Case in point: I just finished watching the Golden Globes (how I'm still awake, I'll never know), and despite being kind of bland and useless, it did offer one awesome moment:

Madonna's acceptance speech for Best Original Song.

Here's the thing: despite the fact that I and everyone I know who saw her directorial debut, WE, thought it was a steaming vat of Santorum garnished with a syphilitic cock (I'm giving her way too much credit, I know), she somehow won the award for Best Original Song. And her acceptance speech was basically one long "Fuck you, I'm so awesome" to everyone in the room. I am not joking about this. The look on people's faces while she delivers her self-righteous little speech as they try to shoot daggers out of their eyes into her creepy gargoyle arms is quite possibly one of the best things I've ever seen. Take a look:

There are three rules that every female starlet must adhere to if she hopes to make it in the business:

1. You need to blow LA Reid. Cannot stress this one enough. He cums recording contracts.
2. You will inevitably be compared to Madonna. It's the only reason we keep her around. So we can compare people to her. That's the only thing she's good for at this point.
3. If someone sticks a camera or microphone in front of you, you MUST talk about another female artist. Because the credentials of all female artists are based on other female artists.

So holy shit, did you guys hear about how Madonna made a bunch of decent, hard-working TIFF volunteers turn to face a wall so they wouldn't look upon her with their filthy peasant eyes? Because she totally did that. She totally made people stare at a wall because she wouldn't deign to let them look upon her untainted natural beauty.

Now, before you jump down Madonna's throat and call her a self-important bitch with delusions of otherworldly power, I think it's about time you all learned the truth: Madonna is actually the Ark of the Covenant.

What, you thought her freakish gargoyle arms or pitbull jowls were normal? Pshaw. Clearly, Madonna is a sacred mystical artifact of such religious importance that to simply gaze upon her harpy form would cause your face to melt off like the Nazis in that one Indiana Jones movie. You know, the good one.