Dear internet:

Just because you can leak something ahead of time, it doesn't necessarily mean that you should. Case in point:

This did not need to see the light of day. Ever.

Ignoring for a moment that it seems as though she's consciously trying to make the song sound like a rejected Shania Twain track, this isn't so much a music video as it is Lady Gaga throwing every tired pop culture trope against a wall and seeing what sticks. The result is a muddled mess of mermaids, pedophilic ice-cream-truck drivers and, for some fucking reason, a farm that is never adequately explained. Bitch is pulling a Mimi Imfurst by using every drag trick in the book. It comes across as desperate.

On a completely unrelated note, it's Madonna's birthday today. Oh wait, did I say unrelated? I meant the exact opposite of that. 

As Pride Week comes to a close, we can all rest soundly knowing that another equally awesome week is just around the corner: FUCKING SHARK WEEK. The week the Discovery Channel devotes to sharks, sharks and more sharks, which I've always been weirdly obsessed with, dating back to when I was but a wee faglet who dreamed to one day own a pet shark and take him on walks along the beach.

Sadly, that shit won't ever happen, but at least I'll always have Shark Week, which has been injected with a shot of gay because the official song of Shark Week comes from Lady Gaga. No, seriously: someone finally figured out that putting sharks and Lady Gaga together would melt the entire world, so they just said, "FUCK IT, MAKE IT SO." The result:

The video for the formerly axed but now okayed Weird Al parody of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" has been released. I have to say that I was totally ready to give Al the Carmen Carrera Award for best tuck until I actually saw his face, which I realized he had avatared onto a model's body, and that I was just staring at some vag. Well played, Yankovic. Well played.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the pinnacle of human ingenuity: Lady Gaga's dildo shoes.

Yeah, they're exactly what you think they are: stilettos. With glass cocks for heels. Let's all remember this as the day when Lady Gaga gave up. What do you think was going through her head when she decided to strap on a pair of dick pumps? 

"What the hell? Dildo shoes? You know what? Fuck it; I'm not even going to try anymore. Someone hot glue some Lucite dicks to my feet, and let's call it a day. I just... I have grown tired of living. In fact, just hot glue dicks all over me. Just cover me from head to toe in cocks. I don't give a shit anymore. I don't even need to form coherent sentences anymore; I can just spout out a bunch of words that only gay dudes understand. Walk, walk passion baby, bitch, fierce, vaguely inspirational bullshit pandering to my Little Monsters... there, I'm done. You bitches happy now? I'm your dick queen. All bow before me and my army of flobbity silicone cocks. Jesus, I need a drink..." 

The video for Lady Gaga's "Judas" has just been released. Upon looking out the window and seeing no portals into the depths of hell being torn in the fabric of space and time, I'm guessing that bit about how Lady Gaga is some sort of antichrist who will doom us all to a glittery disco hell are bullshit. I know, bummer right?

Anyway, the video itself is... Meh. Just meh. Basically, just imagine a really loose interpretation of the New Testament. Only with motorcycles. And cholas. And a lipstick gun that I'm guessing is a reference to Bayonetta. (You're welcome, gay nerds!) As far as Gaga videos go, I'm not too impressed. At this point, the only way Lady Gaga could surprise me is if she came out wearing a sweater and some sensible shoes. That's right: come dressed like my Nana and maybe we'll talk. Until then, you'd better throw away the glittery thorn crowns and your weird, Toblerone-like face implants. Bitches best come correct.