To the Christian readers, happy Easter! And to everyone else, happy non-denominational long weekend!

I'll go on a little bit more about how we're celebrating the completely original story of a deity being crucified and resurrected and how we celebrate that with an anthropomorphic bunny that shits chocolate in just a bit. But first, I need to congratulate everyone who worked on Eastern Canada Leather Sir/boy this weekend. A lot of great men competed this weekend, and the winners were Master Robert and boy Dominic.

And now back to Easter. I know it's not the greatest pagan holiday to be co-opted by Christianity, but it does give us an opportunity to eat chocolate and dye things, so it's not a complete waste. And it also gave us this bit from Patton Oswalt about those PAAS egg-dying kits. So once again: not a completely useless holiday!

I'm typing this out while staying at my dad's place for Christmas. My brothers are downstairs drinking enough booze to put our local SAQ owner's kids through college, Dad's wrapping last-minute presents, and I just inhaled so much dog hair, I horked up a Yorkshire terrier.

God, I miss Pointe-Claire.

Anyway, as my little Christmas present to you -- which I'll let you unwrap a little early because, what the hell, it's Christmas! -- here's RuPaul's Christmas Ball in its full run. Yes, even on Christmas I'm still preaching the gospel of Ru. Merry Christmas, everyone!

Halloween is only two weeks away, which means you only have 14 more days to put together a costume that is insanely detailed and requires a jerry-rig to pull off, or something slutty for you to freeze your balls off.

But did you know that Halloween is just a front for Satanism? According to Mission America's Linda Harvey, Halloween is just a way for the gays to lure kids into homosexuality using tiny candy and store-bought Spider-Man costumes. Never mind the fact that it originally was a harvest festival lazily glazed over with the Christian holiday of All Saints' Day -- which involved praying for souls to get into heaven -- because those are facts. SATANISM! Everything makes a lot more sense when you completely disregard logic, doesn't it?

Christians don’t need to cower in fear of the demonic realm and all its mischief, nor be overly pre-occupied, but neither are we to mock and scoff and cavalierly enter Satan’s territory dismissing the danger. We are especially not to enable our children to do so. Another reason for skipping Halloween is its growing influence. It’s now the second most popular American celebration right behind Christmas, what’s driving its magnetism? Spiritual deception on a grand scale may be at work and such trends call for heightened Christian discernment. We all can see it’s a huge celebration in the LGBT world, especially for the gender-confused folks. This illustrates some of the problem. The core of Halloween is glittering artificiality, you can pretend to be someone you aren’t’ for a night, you can flirt with danger, you can divine a different destiny, but it is all void of the presence of or will of God. It’s a seduction that says, ‘don’t be afraid, do whatever you want, there’s nothing to fear,’ it’s one of Satan’s oldest tricks. (Source)

You know what Halloween is? Halloween is an excuse for kids to dress up as superheroes and beg for candy. It's a gateway drug to horror movie marathons. It's the one day of the year where you can get smashed on peach schnapps and pass out in someone's bathroom dressed as a cowboy. (Long story.) But Satanism? Go fuck yourself. If adorable kids getting tiny versions of candy is the antithesis of your religion, you're backing the wrong horse. 

1. Canadian Thanksgiving is still a far less half-assed holiday than Columbus Day.
2. Halloween, a far superior holiday compared to both of these, is just three weeks away! Woohoo! Actual holidays!
3. Pumpkins. Fucking pumpkins everywhere.
4. Between Bieber and Gaga's on-stage vomiting, all pop stars will likely be wiped out Contagion-style by the end of the year.
5. Avril Lavigne's wedding to Chad Kroeger ensures that the worst of Canadian music remains self-contained.
6. Kate McKinnon, who is quickly becoming the best part of Saturday Night Live.
7. The bike lanes on Jarvis Street! Oh, wait . . .
   
8. That one guy at Dundas Square who just shouts "BELIEVE!" at tourists.
9. Cold weather means no more patio season. Yay for eating indoors like a normal, civilized person!
10. Filler, for when you want a nice round 10-point list, but can't think of anything else to be thankful for.

If you were ever hoping for a holiday that closely resembled the mish-mash of Halloween and Christmas from The Nightmare Before Christmas, then good news, everyone! Today has officially been declared Sharon Needles Day! Well, only in the city of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.

But fuck it, I'm not about to let a holiday based on Halloween and drag queens go to waste. We have 365 days to go before the next Sharon Needles Day, and Satan help us, we're going to do it right. So how do we celebrate this day?

Until we get an official list of traditions, I'm just going to take a bunch of stabs in the dark and hope I hit one. Throw on your best drag, drive around in a hearse, bang someone in a coffin, and go back to Party City where you belong. SHARON NEEDLES DAY, motherfuckers. Celebrate that shit.