For years, Goodhandy's has provided a space for trans women and other members of the queer community to gather together and get super massively plastered before hooking up in one of the upstairs rooms. Good times . . . Goooooooood times . . . Unfortunately, Goodhandy's is ending tonight. FOREVER.

Nah, I'm just fucking with you. Sorta. Goodhandy's is becoming Club 120 and will still be hosting nights for the queer community and all that other wonderful stuff. The grand opening party will take place tomorrow night at 120 Church St, and the party will be DJed (is that how you spell that? DJed? DJ'd? Whatever, you get the point) by DJ Sumation.

Toronto's newest danceclub launches Labour Day Weekend! Join DJ Sumation and check out the renovations and upgraded sound and light system at 120 Church Street (at Richmond). Doors at 10pm. $3.50 bar drinks before midnight. $7 cover before 11pm, $10 after, $5 students all night. 

As I'm sure you know, the leather community is known for its sense of humour and its willingness to not take itself too seriously. Hey, sticks and stones may break your bones, but chains and whips will strip the fucking skin right off your back, and if you can handle that, you can handle a joke. Anyway, tomorrow night is the Heart of the Flag Foundation's annual Leather and Laughter event at Goodhandy's, featuring Christina Walkinshaw, Marc Trinidad and me.

Yes, tomorrow night is my standup comedy debut. If you like me, come and support me! If you hate me, come watch me fail in front of a live audience and laugh as I'm hoisted by my own petard. Either way, you get a good show. So remember: tomorrow, 8 o'clock at Goodhandy's at 120 Church St. First hundred people get hugs!

Some of you might remember that before I stole the column for myself, Todd Klinck used to be the resident Porndoggy writer. But then I took it and it's all sorta been downhill from there.

But seriously, Todd was more or less my mentor when I first moved here, and tomorrow is his birthday! Yeah, can you believe he's just (*cough*)20(*cough*), give or take a year or two(*cough*)? Ahem, sorry about that. Anyway, to celebrate, Goodhandy's is hosting Amplify tonight, complete with DJs, house music and $3.50 drinks! And as we all know, cheap booze is the best booze. Science, motherfucker. Look it up.

Doors open at 10pm, so swing by Goodhandy's at 120 Church St and wish Todd a happy 20-something-th birthday!

Can you believe that Rob Ford thought he could run from the homos by taking off to his summer cabin during Pride? Bitch, please. I think the only place in the world that doesn't have a touch of gayness on it is a little phone booth down in Little Rock, Arkansas, and I'm pretty sure a gay couple and their two golden retrievers just bought the land so they could turn it into a bed and breakfast.

Anyway, if Rob is going to hole up in his no-homo cabin and pray the gay away, we're gonna pray the gay back in. Tonight, you can find out what really happened at Rob Ford's cabin, with Paul Bellini at Sodom's Trailer Park party! Come down to Goodhandy's (120 Church St) dressed in your best white-trash getup and see what Ford was really doing at his little cottage. If I had to guess? Dropping people into his sarlacc pit. Anything other than that is just flagrant artistic liberties.

That's right. Today, Goodhandy's celebrates its fifth birthday! Ironically, that means it's not even old enough to drink yet. Unless you're from the South. They bottle-feed with Everclear down there.

Anyway, in honour of this glorious day, let's take a look at Goodhandy's by the numbers, shall we?

Age of Goodhandy's: five.

Age of Mandy Goodhandy: 20 something.

Age of Mandy's tits: eight.

Average number of abs per bartender: five.

Average number of drinks it takes a patron to get super shitty: two and a half.

Number of movie references Todd Klinck will understand in his lifetime: zero (but only because it's impossible to go into negative integers).

Number of annoying hipsters per night who ask, "Isn't this the club from Scott Pilgrim?": three.

Number of people who've had sex in the diamond rooms: 14,284,961. (Never walk up there barefoot. You will get pregnant.)

Famous person who may or may not but probably didn't unless they did have gay sex in the diamond room: not Tom Cruise.

So, happy birthday, Goodhandy's! And here's to five more years of proving that Toronto is the single most slutty city ever.