If you've been out in the Church-Wellesley Village recently, you've probably noticed a couple of new additions: the rainbow gateway markers, meant to let you know that you have entered the gay village, assuming the other rainbows and gay porn stores didn't tip you off. To help you get acquainted with your new monuments, here's a handy FAQ to fill you in!

Soooooo . . . what are these things?

They're proud monuments that bookend the Church-Wellesley Village, heralding all those who enter into a blissful gay paradise!

In layman's terms?

They're poles!

What do they do?

Be poles!

Anything else?

Eventually, they're also going to light up, because the Village's biggest problem has always been a lack of lighting.

Well, I guess they are rather pretty. How much do they cost?

$87,500.

. . . I'm sorry, run that figure by me again.

$87,500.

Collectively?

Each!

ONE-HUNDRED AND SEVENTY-FIVE THOUSAND DOLLARS?

Yup!

FOR POLES?

Uh-huh! 

Holy fuck . . . And this is going to help the Village get back on track, right?

Well . . . the biggest problem facing the Village is the fact that, due to its prime downtown location next to Toronto's main street and one of its biggest tourist destinations, it has exorbitant rents that make it nigh impossible for small, gay-owned local businesses to remain in the market. The rise in corporately owned establishments, coupled with the shunning of any sort of celebration of actual gay culture that isn't neutered and family-friendly, has left the Village with a lack of cultural identity. But that's okay, because RAINBOW POLES! WHEE!

One more question: if the poles are supposed to demarcate the gay village, why do they exclude a number of local gay businesses, like Zipperz?

Yeah, that was pretty fucking stupid.

$175,000, and these clods gave us a pair of poles that aren't even in the right spots? Fuck me.

No kidding. 

You know what we don't see enough of on this blog? Vocabulary lessons! Here's one right now:

Point of diminishing returns (noun): The point at which the yield rate on rewards is no longer proportional to or above the amount of time, effort and money put into a project.

Used in the proper context: if you fork over $87,500 for a couple of poles with swirly rainbow flags on them, and then it takes an additional two months to plant the damn things, you may have hit the point of diminishing returns.

Seriously, how are these things worth $43,750 a piece? What could they possibly do that would justify spending that much money on poles with spinning fabric on them? Do they give out blowjobs and lollipops? Please tell me the answer to that last question is "yes."

But honestly, this is just . . . bonkers. Absolutely bonkers. Until someone can prove that a pole can bring in almost $44,000 worth of tourism, I'm filing this under D for "derp." 

A few people have seen me walking around the Village and asked me why I keep rubbing the butt on the statue of Alexander Wood. Am I polishing it? Do I get a weird sexual thrill touching tiny metal statue butts? It's a sex thing, isn't it?

The truth is that the statue of Alexander Wood, on the corner of Alexander and Church streets, is a magnanimous, all-powerful deity who watches over the Church-Wellesley Village and rewards those who make sacrifices at its feet or rubs its magical deity butt. No, seriously.

Have you ever seen random objects placed at the feet of the statue? Obviously, those are sacrifices. One time I saw a box of Trojan condoms, which means that the giver would be rewarded with hot, safe sex that night. Another time, I saw a box of Viagra, which means that the sacrificer would have great virility that night. And if you rub its butt? It grants you good luck. Science, bitches.

But lo, did those sitting at the benches of Church and Alexander forsake the offering and neglect the rubbing of the butt, and Alexander Wood saw that this was super shitty. He saw that some people were exchanging drugs or passing out with their ass-cracks hanging out during Pride, and he saw that it was kinda sketchy. And so, Alexander Wood sayeth, "Let those who forsaketh my tuchus sit on the ground, losing thy benches. You have angered the Alexander Wood statue, and now thou must payeth for thy negligence. No, seriously, not cool guys. Super not cool."

And that's why the benches were removed. You all should have rubbed the butt more. 

Big news, everyone! Second Cup announced that it would be returning to the Church-Wellesley Village after a long exile! Not only that, but they're also going to be working on recreating the famous steps, a popular meeting ground in the Village that was even featured on Kids in the Hall.

Although this does pose a rather awkward scenario because it'll be more or less directly across the street from the existing Starbucks. And while Second Cup will try to bring back memories of the days of yore spent out on the steps, Starbucks did at least pick up where the long-gone Second Cup left off, in regard to paying $5 for a cup of hot milk with a shot of espresso. Clearly, there is only one sensible solution to this:

COFFEE WAR.

Two adorably quaint franchise cafés enter, only one leaves. Baristas fighting in the streets for our valuable dollars... The streets running brown with coffee as both sides try to outdo each other with non-threatening adult-contemporary music and fresh-baked goods pulled out of plastic containers... Glorious. Absolutely glorious.

Or you know, they could just cohabitate in the Village as people frequent whichever one they like best. But where's the fun in that?