If you haven't read Andrea Houston's excellent piece on the loss of the Fetish Fair, go read that now before you pore over this bit. Consider this extra reading to accompany Houston's work.

Take a look at the following pictures:

These are all major businesses in the Church-Wellesley Village. They're all on street level, in full view of anyone who comes by. Sex has always been a major part of the Village, and it always will be. So why in God's name would businesses flock to Church St, set up shop and try to bring in gay dollars if they have an issue with gay sex?

The problem the CWVBIA has right now is that members are trying to create some sort of gay utopia where everyone is gay or lesbian or trans or bi, but they never have sex and they never talk about it. Horseshit. Pretending the LGBT community doesn't enjoy a good fuck is like pretending dogs don't lick their own balls. You can set up as many bouncy castles and deserted Ferris wheels as you want, but that's not going to remove the sex from the Village.

The idea that the gay village can integrate both family values and sexual impulses shouldn't be that difficult to grasp, yet for some reason people think it's impossible. For God's sake -- there's an elementary school right next to a strip club, a leather bar and a sex shop. I've said it before and I'll say it again: accepting the fact that members of your family are human, and therefore sexual, is a fundamental part of growing up. Stop trying to pretend that the two are so far removed that you have to choose one or another.

The Village is a place for both kink and family. There's a proper way to balance the two; you're just not doing it right. 

In the past, I've remarked about my distaste for the sanitized "Church St Family Fair" over the "Church St Fetish Fair," my main grievance being that you're assuming that families can't appreciate some good ol'-fashioned people watching in the middle of a street fair dedicated to all things kinky.

Take, for instance, my grandmother. She will henceforth be called Granny Feist for the sake of formality. Granny Feist is well into her 70s and has never touched a drop of alcohol in her life. (Although it should be noted she's asked me numerous times if I knew where to buy weed. I have no clue, but if you want to help a 70-year-old woman get baked out of her skull before she dies, be my guest.) She's the kind of woman who swears in the middle of Church service and who will stand on her own cemetery plot and laugh at God in the middle of my Nana's burial.

Granny Feist does not give a fuck. Granny Feist is too busy being a fabulous fucking bitch. 

I had the pleasure of taking both my mother and my grandmother to the last Church St Fetish Fair, back in 2010. As far as I can tell, both had a wonderful time. Granny Chick got to ogle a beautiful corset from Northbound Leather -- guess what she's getting for Christmas? -- and my mother got to grope some gay pornstar twins, something that to this day I refuse to let her live down.

Since it was Sunday, and because I was pissed and I needed someone to vent to, I called Granny Chick after her Sunday Mass, ever the Irish Catholic, to pick her thoughts. This is our conversation about the Church St Family Fair, which I present in traditional Irish truth. (Read: this is the general gist of what we talked about, but I spiced up the language a bit. Once again: IRISH. You know what you're getting yourself into here.)

Me: Hey, Grandma!

Grandma: Oh, hello there, Jeremy! How are you?

Me: A little sore -- I just got back from the gym. You?

Grandma: What about church?

Me: Grandma, there aren't any churches in Toronto. (Ed's note: This is a lie.) 

Grandma: Ah yes, that's right dear. What's new over there? Are you taking care of yourself?

Me: Yes, I'm fine. Hey, do you remember when we went to the fetish fair a couple years ago?

Grandma: What's that, love?

Me: The fetish fair. Remember, two years ago, you came to visit after I moved here? There were naked guys whipping each other, and a topless lesbian spanked me, and Mom felt up twin penises?

Grandma: Ah yes, dear, that's right, I remember now. We had a lot of fun that day, didn't we? Gorgeous day, too. Did you know your Aunt Trish used to train to crack a whip?

Me: Really?

Grandma: Yes, it was a long time ago, dear. Long time ago. Are they doing that again this year?

Me: No.

Grandma: Why not?

Me: Because they're doing a family day instead.

Grandma: What do they have at the family day then?

Me: A ferris wheel and some bouncy castles.

Grandma: That's fucking bullshit. Why would I want to ride some goddamn ferris wheel? I can go ride a ferris wheel whenever I want. How often am I going to see a fire flogging?

Me: Don't you have the internet?

Grandma: Don't be a smartass, dear.

Me: Well, what did you like about the fetish fair, specifically?

Grandma: It wasn't what we did, specifically, that I thought was fun. I just enjoyed getting to spend time with you and your mother. It's not often we get together, so I always enjoy coming up to Toronto with her to visit you. I had a lot of fun seeing everyone all dressed up, but getting to do it with you both is what made it even better.

Me: And the corset?

Grandma: What's that, dear?

Me: You saw some corsets you really liked, and I --

Grandma: -- Oh God, yes, the corsets. Those were just beautiful. Do they still make those?

Me: Yes.

Grandma: Be a dear and bring me one, won't you?

Me: Will do.

Grandma: And some marijuana.

Me: Love you, Grandma.

Grandma: I love you too. And I want marijuana.

(*click*)

My point here is that you can't just slap the word "family" on an empty ferris wheel and call it a day. It's possible to appreciate seeing people take pride in who they are and how they show their love with your family, rather than simply taking in the most sanitized and politically correct aspects of people who are different. It's still possible to make the Fetish Fair something you can enjoy as a family, regardless of how you define family.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to find Granny Chick some weed. It's for her . . . glaucoma. 

With heavy heart, I read that this year's Fetish Fair has been downgraded to the PG-friendly Church Street Village Fair in hopes of bringing more families to the street. The real Fetish Fair is now relegated to Zipperz. While I get that times are tough and we need to bring in as much money as we can, here's the thing:

Some families actually like the Fetish Fair.

True story: last year, I took both my mother and my grandmother to the fair. Bear in mind, they're not like me: my mother is STAUNCHLY anti-porn, and my grandmother is a sweet little Irish-Catholic God-fearing woman. And guess what? They both fucking LOVED IT. My grandmother demanded to take pictures with everyone, and, of course, my mother made me run and ask men in full-length mesh bodysuits and corset-clad dominatrixes with titties popping out the top to be in pictures with the two of them. Hand to God, there is a picture on my mom's camera of my grandmother flanked by the Scorpio Twins. I'm still begging her to make it the front of our family Christmas card.

The point is that fetish is fun. It's not something you actively want to participate in with your family ("Mother, would you kindly pass the sounding rods, please?"), but everyone can appreciate kink on display. Even my darling old grandmother.