There are three rules that every female starlet must adhere to if she hopes to make it in the business:

1. You need to blow LA Reid. Cannot stress this one enough. He cums recording contracts.
2. You will inevitably be compared to Madonna. It's the only reason we keep her around. So we can compare people to her. That's the only thing she's good for at this point.
3. If someone sticks a camera or microphone in front of you, you MUST talk about another female artist. Because the credentials of all female artists are based on other female artists.

Right now, the big shit-fit in the media is that Kim Kardashian got a divorce from whatever the fuck his name is after being married for only 72 days. Some of you have no idea who she is (please tell me your secrets), and to be honest, the only reason I know is because I've been gossip blogging for about two-and-a-half years now. If that's your thing, I write for popbytes. Glad I got my shameless plug for the month out of the way.

Anyway, here's what went down: someone from E! Entertainment went up to Kim Kardashian, a woman who's famous for making a sex tape where a D-list rapper peed on her and absolutely NOTHING ELSE OF VALUE, and said, "Hey, want to marry a complete stranger for $18 million?" And she was like "Guuuuuuuuuuhhhhhh . . . 'kay." And then they found a complete rube, stuck her in a white dress, and her handlers from E! tased the nerve endings in her face until she was able to pull off a close approximation of human emotion.

I know, it's like a fairytale.

Now a lot of people are using this as an example of how gay marriage should be legal, because those wacky straights just can't seem to get it right. And you know what? They have a point. Straight people practically have a monopoly on marriage, save for a few countries and states here and there, and they can't even get it right.

But here's the thing: you can't base an argument about how noble you are by pointing out the ignobility in others. Despite what politicians and cable news companies want you to think, the line between "them" and "us" is non-existent. To point out the inherent flaws of humanity in one group is to point out the ones in your own.

Should worthless, no-talent fame-whores who are getting married for publicity and money be barred from getting hitched? Yes, because marriage is about love. Should we be constantly hanging over straight couples, pointing out their breakups and divorces and flaws like Statler and Waldorf pointing out that Fozzie Bear is a shitty comedian? No, because ultimately we're all on the same show anyway. If we want marriage equality, show the world that we're actually really good at being in love with each other. That'll show 'em.

Adding: Here's Kim dressed as Poison Ivy for Halloween. Because much like real poison ivy, Kim is a weed that refuses to go away, and touching her will result in an itchy, burning rash.