Pour a little out of your Bitch Slap: Zelda's, one of the cornerstones of Toronto's gay community, is no more.

A little while back, I reported that Zelda's suffered a fire and that the eponymous owner had vowed to get back up on her feet. Unfortunately, after weighing the costs of rebuilding, it looks like the restaurant won't be returning.

If you've never eaten at Zelda's, well, too late I suppose. But if you have eaten there, you'll probably remember that it was a fun restaurant with good food and cocktails that tasted like candy. So basically, it was the BEST restaurant.

But it wasn't just THE BEST restaurant. Zelda's was also pretty integral when it came to supporting the gay community. Back when it was still on Church St, where Second Cup currently sits, Zelda's helped raise money for gay causes, helped launch the careers of many of Toronto's most beloved drag queens, and provided a place for people in the Village to connect with one another. (Zelda's is where I met my current boyfriend, so needless to say, the restaurant holds a special place in the withered husk that doctors tell me is my heart.)

So goodbye, Zelda's. I'll always remember you as the place where my boyfriend watched me eat a bacon cheeseburger with grilled cheese sandwich crusts and still wasn't grossed out enough to dump me. Even though, clearly, he should have. 

In the parlance of comics, the "Woman in Refrigerator" is roughly as creepy and literal as it sounds: it's a term for a female character (usually a love interest of the male character) who is killed, raped, brutalized or otherwised stripped of her power for the sake of creating a catalyst for the protagonist to move the plot along. The name originates from Green Lantern #54, in which Green Lantern Kyle Rayner returns home to find his girlfriend Alex DeWitt killed and stuffed in the fridge by one of his nemeses. Generally speaking, the "Woman in Refrigerator" bit is a lazy and rather misogynistic plot device.

In one of those oddly full-circle moments that comes only from a carefully plotted out narrative arc, it seems the newly out-and-proudly gay Green Lantern, Alan Scott, is getting his own proverbial WiR, as a preview of Earth 2 issue #3 shows that Alan Scott's new fiancé is set to be offed via exploding train. Admittedly, I'm not too keen on the development, but at least "exploding train" is original, I guess.

When we last left the alternate reality of DC Comics’ Earth 2, wealthy jet-setter Alan Scott’s proposal to his boyfriend Sam literally blew up in his face. Their train erupted in flame, tumbling wildly off course. Amidst the confusion, Alan is certain that some of that fire is an otherworldly green. But how could that be possible? The Apokolips War is long ended, and life is supposed to be returning to normal. What caused this horrific explosion? Did anyone make it out alive?

With this preview of next week’s Earth 2 #3, it appears that Alan is the sole survivor of the explosion. Sam is gone. (From iFanboy)

Look, I have no problem with writers inflicting devastating life events on a character for the sake of creating dramatic tension and writing a better story. That's fine; what I'm less hot on is a writer essentially dicking their character over and killing off supporting players because they couldn't think of anything else. Think of it this way: remember when Buffy's mom died? That storyline was gradually built up to, and when it finally happened, the writers were smart enough to know how to handle it properly. The WiR is the exact opposite of that: it fetishizes pain and dehumanization, and the aftermath is usually handled ham-fistedly. All I'm saying is, this doesn't sound like it's going to end well.

There was this weird resurgence of Chuck Norris jokes a couple years ago, and to be honest? Not a single one of them was funny. Maybe it has to do with the fact that Chuck Norris looks like a battered baseball glove covered in pubes, but I just didn't get the hype. But that's probably because my parents didn't make moonshine in the bathtub. Who knows?

If that seems cruel, well, who cares? I'm mean and bitchy to everyone. But tonight I'm focusing my pinpoint hatred on Norris because of an article he wrote for -- and I shit you not, this is the name of the site -- ammoland.com. You couldn't put together a more white-trash url if you bought jesusandfreedomandapplepie.com/FUCKINMURIKAH.

Anyway, the article (which I won't link to directly because seriously, it's crap) talks about how the current push to make the Boy Scouts of America accept gay kids and gay troop leaders is just a shadowy conspiracy by Obama to brainwash kids everywhere. You know, because Jerry Sandusky and all those Catholic priests were out and proud 'mos. Also, there's something about Russia because in case you haven't noticed, Chuck Norris's brain hasn't changed since the '80s.

In the spirit of updating Chuck Norris to the current era, and also because I refuse to validate his crazy with an opinion, here are a bunch of actual Chuck Norris jokes updated for the modern day. Because Chuck Norris actually hates Chuck Norris jokes. Weird, huh? The original punchlines will still be in the joke for the sake of clarity, but they'll be crossed out and replaced with better jokes.

• There used to be a street named after Chuck Norris, but it was changed because nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives. much like Chuck Norris, it was broken, shitty and riddled with bacteria.
• Chuck Norris doesn't flush the toilet, he scares the sh*t out of it because you can't flush your own mouth.
• Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him. That would require a heart.
• Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. He pokes them with a stick while wondering how the "word sandwich" works.
• Chuck Norris died 20 years ago. Death just hasn't built up the courage to tell him yet. Oh, wait, never mind. That was just his career.

Last Friday, I went to see Brave with a couple friends, and despite what some reviewers would say, it was pretty good. Not Pixar's best movie, but it was far from their worst. But I'm not Xtra's movie critic (yet), so let's move on to the point here, shall we?

Recently, Entertainment Weekly's Adam Markovitz pondered whether or not Brave's protagonist, Princess Merida, is a lesbian. His reasons: she doesn't want to be a traditional girly-girl; she's an outsider; she doesn't want to get married to one of the three hapless losers her parents are trying to set her up to. So is he onto something?

Short story: honestly, we don't know. The long story: simply put, a lot of the evidence that Markovitz uses to back up his claim is couched more in traditional gender roles and stereotypes than it is in fact. Does Princess Merida's story have themes that many LGBT people can relate to? Yes. Are there out and proud lesbian women who share Merida's characteristics, traits and personalities? Yes. But neither of those a lesbian make. If Merida were to say something along the lines of "I am a lesbian, and identify as such," then yes, she would be a lesbian. But speculating about people's sexuality based on their hobbies is a bit antiquated.

So . . . IS Princess Merida a lesbian? Who knows. Merida, or the people who created her, haven't said anything about her sexuality either way. It would be great if we could have an openly lesbian Disney princess, but for the time being, let's not speculate for the sake of page views. 

I never thought I would say this, but I miss the old Rob Ford. I know, I know, but hear me out: back in the day, Rob Ford may have been equally as bad as he is now, but at least he actually tried to hide it. Not very well, but at least he made the effort, damn it! Fast-forward to Rob and Doug Ford's last radio show, where the two of them discuss how they would totally pass up going to their cabin if they could put together a Canada Day parade. See if you can find the thinly veiled subtext!

“We should be as patriotic as anything,” said Councillor Ford. “We should be having a Canada Day parade. We should have the troops going down with us waving the flags,” he said. Mayor Ford piped in. “I couldn’t agree with you more.” His brother pledged back, “Next year, let’s make it happen.” Nunziata agreed. “We are all proud to be Canadian and we should celebrate and have a parade.” If a July 1 parade is planned the Fords might have to alter an annual tradition. (Via the Toronto Star)

Yeah, it's too bad there isn't currently a parade planned for July 1 that will feature men in uniform waving flags.

Honestly, he really isn't trying to hide the whole "latent homophobia" thing anymore, is he? He's almost cartoonish in his dickery, I swear. I half expect him to twirl a mustache while tying a sepia-toned girl to the train tracks.

Look, if Rob Ford doesn't want to join the Pride parade, the least he could do is just say no, rather than try and ham-fistedly jump through these ridiculous hoops. Like my mother always said, "If you're gonna be a vindictive bitch, at least have the courtesy to be clever about it."