I have a love/hate relationship when it comes to science. Specifically, I love science until it starts making things that will murder me. Curing diseases and creating new and exciting technologies are the sort of things that science should be doing. Cross-breeding goats and spiders is not.

Let me make this clear: spiders are not insects. Spiders are actually the disembodied hands of Satan. Spiders have eight eyes for the sole purpose of being able to watch you die eight times. And now science is cross-breeding spiders with goats to create spider-goats that are capable of spinning silk stronger than Kevlar. The only real downside of this experiment is the fact that these crimes against humanity are now living right here in Ontario, and FUCKING SPIDER GOATS OH GOD WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE. Via CBC:

Beatriz Oliver, a part-time anthropology professor at the University of Ottawa, said she is shocked the animals are on display. She said the display itself upsets her because the animals are called natural on a plaque, which also includes notes such as: These goats produce milk that contains spider silk. The spider silk is extracted and spun into BioSteel, which is used in bulletproof vests and medical sutures. "I think it's so fundamentally wrong," Oliver told the CBC's Ashley Burke. "Just to present it as something that's OK, that's normal ... I think that's not accurate. I think there should be both sides of the story on those panels." 

I suppose the pro in all of this is the fact that cross-breeding of these spider-goats could, in the long term, result in the mass-production of silk that would be used to provide police with more protection from firearms. That being said, all the bullet-proof vests won't protect you from the goat-sized spiders once they develop a taste for dissolved human organs. So thanks, science, for making terrifying things infinitely more terrifying for the sake of shits and giggles, you terrible, terrible people.

Normally when you meet people who are as thick-headed and incapable of learning as the parents who are voting against anti-bullying bills, it's best to be as polite and cordial as possible, since chances are their mothers drank paint thinner through their pregnancies.

If this were an issue where things were a little less black and white, I might grant them the benefit of the doubt. That being said, when you have a slew of gay kids saying, "Fuck this, I can't take the bullies calling me a fag anymore" and then they kill themselves, it's kind of hard to justify not doing everything you can to ensure they aren't driven to suicide. Unless you have a really old, contradictory, morally vague book that you base all your morals on. In which case, it's still dumb as shit and you're just scapegoating.

Here's the thing: as a parent, you have every right in the world to be terrible. In your own home. You have every right to pass on and enforce your values system to your kids, regardless of whether or not every aspect of reality has proven you wrong. In your own home. You have the right to teach your kids that gay kids are going to hell and that dinosaur bones were planted in the earth to trick scientists, and people who are left-handed are robots.

In. Your. Own. Home.

But when your crappy parenting starts affecting people outside of your home, when kids start bullying the so-called "faggots" into putting guns in their mouths or beating the shit out of them for being different, guess what? That's where the line is drawn, and people start calling your shit.

You have the right to believe whatever you want. You believe God nailed his own son to a tree? Sure, why not. Aliens blew up a volcano and now their ghosts make you sad? Go ahead. You believe a millionaire orphan dresses up as a bat and fights crime? Hey, that shit's in a book too, so by all means, do it. But you can't enforce that belief on people, especially when science and reality are screaming "NO, THE EXACT OPPOSITE OF THE THING YOU BELIEVE IN IS THE TRUTH."

Freedom of religion is not the same as freedom of being a dickhead consequence-free. All Bill-13 is meant to do is ensure that gay kids are allowed to be themselves without getting punched to death. That's it. Yes, part of that might entail that your kids are going to learn about people who aren't like them, but learning about people who aren't heteronormative isn't going to turn your kids gay anymore than learning about Martin Luther King, Jr will turn them black.

Look, people have the right to believe the things they want to, as long as it doesn't infringe on or hurt others. But right now, kids are being told they're lesser people for being gay and they're killing themselves over it. Christianity is about treating people with love and compassion, not making people feel like shit for being different. If the central ideology behind your belief system is "people are different, so fuck 'em," guess what? You picked wrong. 

Meet Kate McKinnon.

She's the newest cast member on Saturday Night Live, which means she'll have to spend her tenure listening to all the people bitching and moaning about how the show hasn't been funny since (insert name of talented, sexy comedienne here) left. But Kate is different. Not only is Kate a respected and witty sketch comedienne -- she's now officially SNL's first openly lesbian cast member.

I've checked out a few of her sketches, and so far, she's pretty good. I'm going off a bit of a limited sampling here, but not only was she a member of The Big Gay Sketch Show, but judging by the video below, I have to say she has chops. Seriously, she can do more comedically with her eyes than most people can do with their whole bodies. That takes talent. Go, funny lesbian!

Living in Canada, we're blessed by the fact that we don't give credence to organizations whose sole purpose is to uphold "traditional marriage." Yes, there are groups that oppose gay marriage, but for the most part, they are regarded entirely with the appropriate amount of disdain. And then there's America, the land where you are free to be as dumb and willfully ignorant as you want. Don't believe me? Well, here's the most wonderful example ever of the wholesale embrace of idiocy and bigotry in the USA: the National Organization for Marriage is currently seeking out famous idiots to stand against gay marriage. Seriously. Via the Huffington Post:

"We are looking for a new set of messengers," one document declares. "Here's the bottom line: Hollywood with its cultural biases is far bigger than we can hope to be. We recognize this."

 

It goes on to note, "But we also recognize the opportunity -- the disproportionate potential impact of proactively seeking to gather and connect a community of artists, athletes, writers, beauty queens and other glamorous noncognitive elites across national boundaries."

And really, isn't that what the whole anti-gay argument boils down to? The fact that it doesn't matter that your outdated views have been disproven by science, years of anecdotal evidence, common sense, decency and enough statistics to prove every bigoted thought and belief wrong, as long as you're dumb enough to believe that an invisible bearded sky giant says that you should love everyone by hating them at the same time? And when people prove you wrong time and time again, just say you hate people who are different than you because JESUS AND THE BIBLE AND FUCKIN 'MURIKAH, that's why.

It's Tuesday, so you know what that means: it's time for another RuCap of everyone's favourite ball-tucking television show, RuPaul's Drag Race! This week, the girls were tasked to create Absolut cocktail–inspired shoes and get political by running for candidacy of the Wig Party. Let's take a look at the shit that worked and the shat that Santorumed.

After last week's ESCANDALO, wherein the lovably self-promoting Willam was given the Lucite, high-heeled boot for reasons as yet unknown, the girls return to the workroom to find Willam's lipstick-smeared ass-print on the mirror. The final five seem only too glad to have her gone when they sing "Goodbye Shady Bearded Lady" as Sharon Needles and That Bitch Phi Phi reenact the dismissal. Sharon's Ru impression is pitch-perfect, and That Bitch Phi Phi's Willam impression boils down to her throwing on a wig and barfing glitter on the floor. It's still weird to see the two of them acting this chummy, but worry not, because That Bitch Phi Phi will completely ruin your opinion of her soon enough.

Here it comes: oooooh, girl! You got SheMail! Ru drops a bunch of political/sexual double entendres before boy Ru walks out with Absolut's "Image Czar" (read: spokesman) Jeffrey Moran. The mini-challenge this week is to design platform heels based on cocktails. Dida Ritz designs a gorgeous, golden aristocratic shoe; Latrice Royal crafts some dazzling, diamond shoes; Sharon creates Indian-inspired shoes with nightmare-catchers; Chad Michaels fills hers with grapefruit juice; and That Bitch Phi Phi just glues a bunch of fruit garnishes to her shoes and calls it a day. So of course, That Bitch Phi Phi wins. Yeah, I'm not sure why either. I can't for the life of me remember what she wins, but it's undeserved, and it doesn't really do her any good in the main challenge, so who cares.

For the main challenges, the girls have to create a different kind of platform: a political platform. The girls will be running to be nominated as the candidate of the fictional Wig Party and become the first-ever drag-queen president. And Dan Savage is here to help the girls shape their issues! Off the bat, Dida and Chad are nervous because neither one of them wants to be political: it's too personal and is a sensitive topic that can cause tension among people. In order to duck any real political discussions, Chad decides to create a character to send up various crazy third-party candidates. Dida, on the other hand, ducks it by basically not even trying.

That Bitch Phi Phi decides to create a character, too, styling herself as a moronic Sarah Palin type. Timely it isn't. Latrice and Sharon decide to go the more serious route, using the opportunity to talk about real issues affecting the gay community. Latrice wants to give money to HIV/AIDS patients on disability, and Sharon wants to put an end to bullying. Basically, we have queens on both ends of the spectrum, and That Bitch Phi Phi, who's just sort of drifting in the middle with no real substance.

And now, on to the debate! The girls are dressed in their best executive realness and have to answer debate questions from the panel of Ru, Dan Savage and Michelle Visage's jugs. Chad, dressed in a cat suit with her head sandwiched between pink afros, is hilarious and trashy, but she doesn't really go that far politically. Dida is completely flustered by the challenge and just sort of sputters through the debate, mumbling about Ralph Lauren and drag queen–on–dog marriage. Latrice Royal tries to maintain dignity and poise, but her answers are short and scant on details. 

But none of them are anywhere near as bad as That Bitch Phi Phi. Oh lord . . . where to begin? Her Sarah Palin–esque character isn't funny. The jokes are stale, and coupled with her screeching need to be the centre of attention, she's bombing and bombing hard. But then she says something so jaw-droppingly stupid, I'm surprised she doesn't get immediately disqualified: she refers to Dida and Latrice as "the help."

. . . FUCKING. SERIOUSLY.

Thankfully, Sharon steps over the whole mess, strong-willed and authoritative. She's funny, passionate and smart, and she clearly knows and cares about what she talks about. It's the Sharon Needles Show all the way, while the other queens are tripping over themselves.

Anyway, on to the main stage: the category is inaugural-ball realness. The judges this week are Michelle Visage, Santino Rice, Jeffrey Moran, Dan Savage and Towelie the Towel. Oh, wait, sorry: that's just RuPaul in an ill-fitting, rainbow-sherbet caftan. Never mind.

Chad Michaels comes out in an absolutely fabulous Grace Kelly ensemble, and the judges love her character. However, Michelle Visage says that she wants Chad to stop playing characters and reveal who she is. It's a bit vague, but I can see what she means: Chad needs to open up about what she believes in, what she thinks and how she feels about things.

Dida walks the runway in a black mermaid dress, unfortunately paired with dirty Kesha hair. The judges say that she wasn't really committed to the task, and her flip-flopping answers were unclear and confusing.

Latrice Royale's dress looks a little like her sparkly corset last year, and the judges read her over an exposed bra strap. And like she said she would a couple weeks back, she bites back at Santino for getting too personal with his critiques of her. If this were anyone else, he would have shut her up, but this is Latrice mothafuckin' Royal, so he's instantly humbled, drawing back the bitchy comments with his tail between his legs.

Sharon Needles comes out in a nude dress, a gothic-Lolita bob and a black corset, since she feels there won't be a drag-queen president for another 100 years. The judges love it, and they love her more demure, conservative look. Jeffrey makes a remark about how he doesn't want a queen who's all shock value, but considering Sharon's been able to play pretty just as well as she's been able to play spooky, he's kind of talking out of his ass.

And finally, we have That Bitch Phi Phi. TBPP comes out in a beautiful white gown, but instead of coming out with a beat face, she comes out in makeup that literally looks like someone beat her face with a baseball bat. Ru immediately goes in on her over "the help" joke she made, and she looks absolutely livid. It takes a lot for Ru to go in for the kill, and she and Michelle read her for filth over it. Dan Savage, for the record, went on Twitter to voice his distaste for the joke, too. Santino Rice seems to be the only judge who liked TBPP's act, which really doesn't speak too highly of him when it comes to his judgment. Santino consistently read Pandora Boxx back in Season 2, and his embrace of TBPP on this season doesn't speak highly of his taste in fashion or humour.

Naturally, Sharon wins the challenge, with Chad close behind her, and the bottom two are Dida and . . . Latrice Royal. Wait, what? I have no clue why, either, but if I had to guess, it had something to do with the fact that That Bitch Phi Phi is good for stirring up cat fights, and as the weakest queen and the worst lip-syncher of the bunch, she would have gone home, depriving the girls of the one source of constant tension. 

Dida and Latrice lip-sync to Gladys Knight's "I've Got To Use My Imagination." Dida strips off her gown so she can dance like she did the last time she lip-synched, but she's no match for Latrice, who connects to both the song and the judges. It's a powerful performance, and Dida is told to sashay away. In all fairness to Dida, she was a fierce competitor, but it was her time to go. Hopefully, she'll someday learn that when you volumize your wig, you're supposed to do so vertically, not horizontally. Bye, girl, bye.