Gosh, how long has it been since Fox News ruined someone's life? Like, five days? Man, that's a lot of restraint for those guys. Anyway, just to prove they can, Mike Beaudet decided to bring up Massachusetts high school teacher Kevin Hogan's past fling with gay porn, when he modelled for three gay porn movies, over a year ago, as Hytch Cawke.

. . . All right, fine, maybe the name could use some work, but other than that, a pretty shitty move by Fox.

Here's the thing: if Hogan was still acting and pursuing a career in gay porn? Then yes, I can see why someone might want to address that. But for the most part, Hogan did it only a few times for cash, before he started teaching. He's currently not pursuing a gay porn career, and judging by the movies (which are just a bunch of generic titles), I doubt anyone would have ever really found out about it.

But no. Fox News decided to bring up an issue no one knew or cared about. But maybe it was for the best. Maybe he was a bad teacher and his students weren't learning anything and -- oh wait! According to The Sword, all his students, former students and the parents of his students actually loved the guy. So it turns out, Fox decided to kick some shit just to say they could. Awesome job, guys! If you guys sucked at your job any harder, you would have an exclusive contract with Treasure Island Media. And syphilis. I know, that's just redundant. 

Oh, and here's a still from something that ACTUALLY HAPPENED ON FOX NEWS. Like fish in a barrel, I swear to God. 

Goddammit, I really should have held onto that *sploosh* gif for today . . . Oh well. Coulda shoulda woulda.

Anyway, if you've been paying attention to the promotional posters for Joss Whedon's The Avengers, you've probably noticed by now that Scarlett Johansson's Black Widow isn't so much a character as she is a sentient, leather-clad ass with a human-shaped tumour growing out the back of it. You know, because there isn't enough pop culture being marketed to teenaged boys and the grown men who think like them.

Kevin Bolk, noticing the inherent sexism of this, decided to flip the switch by making a mock-up of a poster where all the male Avengers show off their asses for the ladies. And gay men. So in order to further sexualize men, thus creating a little equilibrium in all of this, let's see who's the biggest bottom out of the Avengers, shall we?

Captain America

Clearly, he's done this before. Anyone who can actually detach his vertebrae to achieve the perfect 2:3 ratio in order to make his ass and chest look bigger while making his waist look slimmer knows a thing or two about posing for online pics to troll for peen. But as for how big a bottom he is, Captain America reflects his homeland: while he used to be open to anyone seeking a new home, these days it's a little harder to get in.

Iron Man

Maybe it's because he's a problem alcoholic in his mid-40s with an ass encased in unforgiving iron, but Iron Man doesn't really have the most worked-on ass. Still, if I know rich, middle-aged white men, they love whores. And even if he's straight, I'm willing to bet he's at least let a couple girls peg him. 

Hawkeye

Who the fuck is Hawkeye? Oh, the guy with the bow and arrow? Really? Archery is his superpower? Well, they can't all be winners, I guess. Still, he has a nice muscular ass on him, which is always a turn-on, but unfortunately, an ass that square and muscular usually signifies straightness. *Sigh* Although he clearly knows a thing or two about hitting the spot with his quivering pricks, and he knows to bend his shot when necessary, sooooooo . . . bisexual top, anyone?

Thor

Take note, gentlemen: what Thor is doing in the picture? That's ASL for "Grab a condom and a number. Now serving: #83." Sure, he may be swinging a big hammer, but if this pose is any indication, he's seen more superhero dick than the resident urologist at Marvel. Hell, he travels to Earth on a rainbow road and has a name that can only be pronounced with a lisp. He's either a huge gay or a Super Mario character.

The Hulk

Fisting bottom. There is no way in hell anyone can look at that and think anything other than "I could shove both my arms in there and still have enough room to clap." The Hulk has had so many hands up his ass, he's legally considered a Muppet. Unfortunately, I'm going to have to dock points because at this point, his asshole is so swollen, puffy and green, it looks like he's trying to give birth to a kiwi.

The winner: Thor! But only because you could fuck him without having to shake the feeling that you're about to come down with an alien STD. 

Pop quiz, everyone! Let's say, completely theoretically here, that RuPaul were to make a Christmas special, thus combining my two favourite things ever. How sweet would it be?

A) Sweet.
B) Pretty sweet.
C) Super sweet.
D) SO FUCKING SWEET.

The answer is, of course, *Sploosh.*

Well, here it is! All 50 minutes of RuPaul's Christmas special for your viewing pleasure! And of course, there's no better Christmas gift than getting someone seasons 1 and 2 of Drag Race on DVD. I have to say that to offset my guilt for embedding the entire thing here. Anyway, as I said: SO FUCKING SWEET. Merry early Christmas, everyone! 

We're smack dab in the middle of the Toronto Bound Weekend right now, and tonight is the big night:

The Toronto Bound VIP reception is being held tonight at The Barn (418 Church St), which means a whole night of food, drinking, dancing, leather and decisions you will regret in the morning. But not me. There's nothing I love more than seeing people make the walk of shame in full leather garb. Seeing a guy walk down Carlton St in naught but a leather vest and a jock strap at nine in the morning. Amazing.

The catered reception starts at eight, and the dance starts at 10, with no cover before midnight. And of course, all those with VIP passes get to jump to the front of the line because you're important like that. And you get free coat check! So . . . bonus on that one.

Oh, and did we mention jockstrap-clad waiters? There will be jockstrap-clad waiters with leather ties. Jaunty. As. Fuck. Honestly, the leather ties really bring the whole thing together and give it a sort of Old Hollywood glamour, ya think? 

Show of hands: how many of you went out today for Black Friday? Congratulations on buying shit for a fake holiday! Despite the fact that tons of businesses are just shovelling out a bunch of cheap stuff because of a self-fulfilling prophecy, Black Friday was never actually a major shopping day until the media began telling everyone it was. You know how everyone says Valentine's Day is just a made-up holiday meant to sell cards? Black Friday is basically the same thing, only replace "cards" with "EVERYTHING."

But there's still some good news! Apparently, the big toy for this Christmas is pepper spray! Yes, from Martha Stewart to asshole riot squads who can't handle all the non-violence at Occupy protests, pepper spray is the new Tickle Me Elmo! You know, if by "tickle" Elmo meant "severe ocular trauma caused by chemical weaponry." Just ask those lovely ladies who pepper sprayed 15 people, including children, over some half-price Xbox consoles. Yup, that sounds right. Half off a console that's been on the market for six years? Totally worth pepper spraying a kid in the face. Merry Christmas, everyone!