You know something's bound to be big when it beats out Kim Kardashian's fake divorce of her fake marriage. HA! I'm just kidding. Those things aren't imporant because Kim Kardashian is useless.

Anyway, it's the big day: Halloween! Gay Christmas! Which is weird because normal Christmas is my Christmas. But whatever: point is it's the day where it's more socially acceptable to dress like a slut and shake down strangers for candy. And unlike Christmas, it's the only holiday that rewards your naughtiness instead of your niceness. So go throw on something whorey and get your ass down to the Church-Wellesley Village for the big Halloween block party!

Which is cuter: Ryan Gosling or a puppy?

See? I wasn't kidding when I said this was the most important battle ever. A new single-serving Tumblr is asking the crucial question of which side holds more cuteness per adorable cubic inch, and you know what? It's a tough decision. They're both adorable in their own way: puppies in their cute, tiny, fuzzy companionship, and Ryan in the sense that, like the fist of an angry god, I would hit that. So clearly, I am in a pickle, which is funny because usually that's the other way around. (That one'll hit you in a couple seconds . . . Aaaaaaaaaand you got it.) 

After yesterday's post on the Ohio gay teen who was beaten in the middle of class for being gay, I decided to follow up with a lively little debate, because I am nothing if not fair. We'll be debating whether it's morally admissible to assault someone for making unwanted advances toward you. I will be on the side that says "no," and this random straw-man will be on the yes side.

See? Look how happy he is. Truly, this will be a well-balanced and thoughtful debate.

First off for the no side: try to remember every time you've had the hots for someone who didn't reciprocate the feelings. Try to remember all the times you've been shot down by someone. Now imagine that every time you've been shot down, they were allowed to hit you with a folding chair. How long would it be until you completely fucking gave up?

People develop crushes and make passes at each other all the time. We're sexual in nature, and since we're one of the few species who does it recreationally, it's gonna happen sooner or later. Teenagers are particularly susceptible to this because they're at an age where their hormones and interests in sex are at a biological peak, while their emotional control and intelligence is . . . less so. Basically, teenagers are horny morons. Pile on the fact that gay teens in particular have no one to really connect with on a sexual level, as well as a general lack of gay representation in their lives to empathize with them, and you've got an entire group of kids who just want someone to be with.

I already went over my time in high school here, but I'll be quick with this: being alone in high school blows. Being alone while everyone else has someone else blows. Knowing that, at that age, about  99 percent of the time the guy you're crushing on has no interest in you? Blows. So most have to make due with crushing on what's available: straight guys. I wielded my sexuality the way most people wield a battle-axe, something I still do. I figured that if some people had a problem with my gayness and wanted me to hide it, then fuck them, I was gonna deliver ALL THE GAYNESS. I got flack from the faculty, as previously stated, but my classmates knew what was and wasn't acceptable. Someone being gay? Acceptable. That gay kid occasionally barking up the wrong tree? Acceptable. The owner of that tree kicking him in the teeth? Un-fucking-acceptable.

Listen up, straight kids, because I'm going to teach you how to turn down a gay guy's advances. If he makes a pass at you, just say, "thanks, but no." That's it. You don't need to literally beat your message into his face. Just say no. That's it. And just keep saying no until he gets the message because sometimes these things take a couple tries to work. Kinda like lighting a match. Everyone's eventually going to get hit on by someone they're not into. The adult thing is to just say, "no, thank you." The illegal thing is to commit a full-blown assault.

And now from the yes side, a straw-man.

The straw-man says nothing because it's a fucking straw-man. Debate over! 

So here's the deal: a gay teen attending a Chillicothe, Ohio, high school was violently beaten, in the middle of class, in front of his classmates, by (at the risk of editorializing here) a complete and total shitfuck. Thankfully, the gay teen's classmates pulled the shitfuck off the kid and kept him from further harming -- oh, wait: they actually stood around doing absolutely nothing while getting the entire thing on cellphone video and uploading it to Facebook. You know, pokes, hate crimes . . . all in good Facebook fun.

Now thankfully, the school called the police, the bully was arrested for assault and the school took the appropriate -- oh, for God's sake. Nope, the school actually just suspended the bully for three days. Three. Days. If you went out and violently assaulted someone for their sexuality, you'd be going to REAL jail for a hell of a lot longer than three days.

I really just hope that the bully faces actual assault charges, because let's face it: this isn't just "bullying." Bullying is what poorly raised kids do on a playground. The shitfuck, with malice and forethought, waited to catch someone off guard and then beat him in front of onlookers who did nothing. Take this out of a school for two seconds. Pretend he did this on a street. Do you think cops would arrest a guy for something like that? Then why not treat this for what this is: A GODDAMN CRIME.

Today, the good people at Fleshlight offered Lindsay $1 million to make a mould of her vagina so that thousands of men with very low standards when it comes to their sexual novelties could use it to cum. Well, I've mocked up a prototype of the accompanying mouth-mould for the occasion, and you will never get a boner again for as long as you live in three, two, one...

Happy Halloween! Your cock is purely for show now.

This has been Can't Unsee.