Hey, remember how Rob Ford tried to cut spending for HIV/AIDS programs and tried to axe funding for, like, pretty much every worthwhile cause currently receiving some of Ford's precious, precious gravy?

Well, keep that in mind while Doug Ford is trying to build a multimillion-dollar monorail, Ferris wheel, hotel and mall complex. Okay, first off: have you never seen that episode of The Simpsons? Monorails do not work. Conan O'Brien said so. Second, how in the hell can you justify spending shitloads of money on all this when you won't even fork over money to help stop the spread of HIV/AIDS? What bass-ackwards universe are we in where Ferris wheels > AIDS?

Oh, and because the Fords are literally just handing me the setups for fat jokes on a silver platter, Doug allegedly mumbled something about how this was all okay because there would be ice cream at his waterfront monopoly clusterfuck, because when in doubt, the Fords always turn to food. See how easy it is? It's like shooting fish in a barrel. And the barrel is full of Jell-O. 

Hey, remember how everyone's favourite Wookiee prostitute Kim Kardashian made a sex tape, in which she let Brandy's brother pee all over her, and used it to build herself a career as a whore? And remember how she then tried to convince everyone that she wasn't a whore because she didn't sign the release forms or provide the necessary ID to release a sex tape commercially?

Well, keep that in mind when you watch slutty Kim Kardashian's slutty music video preview for her slutty single, which will inevitably be played in slutty clubs because slut slut slutty slutterson. Shockingly, it's just her crawling around on all fours with her ass, which is covered in what I'm assuming is pee, in the air. And she is a celebrity for it. Thanks, E!

Last night Tyler, the Creator won Best New Artist at the MTV VMAs, which, at this point, are pretty much the most oxymoronic awards ever. Unfortunately, they can't give awards to stupid drunk leprechaun whores, so we'll just pretend that they still know what music is.

Anyway, the big controversy is that Tyler, the Creator is... well, not the biggest fan of the gays. As in, he uses the word "faggot" 213 times on his album (to whoever actually sat down and counted them: please take the gun out of your mouth. Life is still worth living). See how that may be a problem? Yet again, people are talking about whether or not he's homophobic.

First things first. Let's put this in perspective. Watch the video for "Yonkers," which netted him the award.

All right, in context, it kind of makes sense that he would say "faggot" 213 times. It's not because he's homophobic; it's because he is crazier than a shithouse rat.

Look, being stupid or insane doesn't excuse you from acting like a complete jack-off. At the same time, when compared to his eating a cockroach, throwing up and subsequently hanging himself, it's not like this is a hugely positive endorsement for the use of the word "faggot." In context, this makes people who use the term look like raging goddamn lunatics. In short, it's not homophobic, but it sure is dumb as fuck all. 

Remember how I joked that it would be only a matter of time before crazy religious people started to blame Hurricane Irene on the gays? Apparently, God is more concerned about where people stick their penises than, say, the huge famine in Africa that's killing thousands of people.

Well, shit in a hat, I was right. Here they are right now! Say what you will about these assholes, you have to give them credit for streamlining the process. It used to be that you'd have to wait a couple months before the pompous blowhard-du-jour would spew hate on TV. Now they can just throw it on the internet right away. Thanks Al Gore!

A Sam Roberts reference? Anyone? Fuck it! We both went to the same a-hole high school, so I'm keeping it in there.

Anyway, just in case you missed it (and honestly, how could you? It's pretty much the only thing anyone will talk about), Hurricane Irene is working her way up the East Coast and fucking shit up in a most tragic way. The media absolutely goddamn loves it. I swear to God, if the a-holes at Fox had their way, everything would be on fire all the time. Thank God we have laws in place in Canada that outlaw crazy people being on the news.

The good news is that Irene is juuuuuust going to miss us, but the bad news is that we're still gonna get one helluva storm. Some parts of TO are under tornado watch, which is, you know, awesome. One thing I really am excited about is that you just know a crazy religious douchebag is going to eventually come out and start saying that hurricanes are God's punishment for gays, which, come to think of it, doesn't really explain why all the major storms keep hitting the Bible Belt.

Although, it does open up the interesting theory that gay people control the weather, like Halle Berry does in the one and only good superhero movie she has ever made. Regardless of how apathetic you are about religion, that would be AMAZING.