Earlier today a group of acrobats called Fratelli Pellegrini (Pellegrini Brothers) performed for Pope Benedict XVI during his weekly general audience. After removing their shirts, the men formed a human tower of muscle-bound flesh for the pope and a group of Vatican officials.

From Xtra's recent review of the Angelo Quattrocchi’s book The Pope's Not Gay!:

The author revels in many hilarious shots at Benedict’s own rumoured sexual ambiguity. He pokes fun at Ratzinger’s flamboyant sartorial style, his trademark red Prada shoes, his glitter-and-be-gay vestments, and a taste in headwear that would do Philip Treacy proud. He also makes insinuations about the nature of His Holiness’s special relationship with his dreamy, matinee-idol companion, Padre Georg Gänswein.

However homophobic he may be, I have to agree with boxer Bernard Hopkins:

It's hard to argue with the man when your average Ultimate Fighting Championship match looks like this:

It's unnerving to find oneself agreeing with homophobes.  Remember the Florida man who campaigned against a transgender rights bill because it would lead to men invading women's bathrooms?  Turns out he was right!

And, of course, there's a lot of buzz surrounding the Catholic Church's surprise welcome to conservative Anglicans but I'll admit I'm delighted.  It's a marketing miracle!  Once all the misogynist, homophobic Anglicans are assimilated into the Pope's collective, the Anglican Church can then move on in peace -- treating women as equals and welcoming gays and lesbians into their congregations -- while the Catholic Church will be free to continue shrieking against the modern world like in this loathsome screed from Catholic League president Bill Donohue. 

As always, the brilliant John Shelby Spong has the right idea but Donohue does have this entirely accurate bit:

"The culture war is up for grabs. The good news is that religious conservatives continue to breed like rabbits, while secular saboteurs have shut down: they're too busy walking their dogs, going to bathhouses and aborting their kids. Time, it seems, is on the side of the angels."

That's right -- legs in the air, ladies!  You've got babies to churn out!  But just for the record, while I've visited bathhouses and walk my dog daily, I've never aborted a kid (I thought that would've been obvious, Bill!) and I do fear that he's right -- it's hard for two gay men and a terrier to compete with Jon and Kate Plus Eight. 

Fortunately though, even if I can see the point of view of homophobic boxers and priests, I'll always have The Globe and Mail's Margaret Wente (and her ridiculous new book cover) to disagree with!

Last month, a Catholic bishop in Nova Scotia oversaw a $13-million settlement to 12 people who'd been sexually abused by priests in the community since 1950. Yesterday, six or seven Canadians were shocked as that bishop, Raymond Lahey, was brought up on charges of possessing child pornography.

This poses a thorny issue here at Xtra:  as free speech and privacy advocates, we've long been suspicious of the growing power of the police and the disturbingly broad definition of "child" in the law (those Bel Ami tapes of yours might get you arrested for child pornography!) but when it comes to the Catholic hierarchy....well....let's just say it's a case of twice bitten, thrice shy.  Besides, the bishops have gone wrong on a number of issues:

-- elections (us, political?)

-- World War II (six million, none; tomayto, tomahto)

-- education (get 'em while they're young!)

-- and, of course, gay marriage (love means never having to say you're equal)

And I haven't even mentioned this week's defense of child molesters from that terrifying Pope! 

But it never has to be this way -- take a look at the exception that should be the rule in this brief profile of Bishop Kevin Dowling, a man who can actually say "condom" without flinching:

The cynic in me awaits the news headline, "Bishop Molests Village," but I hope that voice is as wrong as the Pope.

Relax!  There are many ways to find out your sexual orientation...

-- Stockholm Pride has a handy "hetero test" for Twitter users.  I'm 15% hetero (must've been the day I went on about Megan Fox's breasts)!

-- The UK Bisexual Index has a series of leaflets, posters and info sources for those who like snails and oysters.

-- You could march in a gay pride parade but then get really mad when a journalist comments on it and demand an apology from the paper's spineless editor who reprimands said journalist in an embarrassing display for the entire profession in Canada.  Nah, that's too ridiculous to ever really happen.

-- But the most enjoyable way to see if you're gay, straight or in-between would be to measure how many minutes you'll watch of this video featuring Freddie Stroma, costar of 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince' (I made it 85% of the way through!):

It's important to find out what you want most because life's too short not to.  Why, just look at all those years wasted before Stephen Harper and Pope Benedict XVI were married this week in a small Catholic ceremony in Vatican City:

It was a beautiful ceremony -- the bride wore white and, in an amusing moment, Harper said he not only ate that communion wafer but was now ready to put all sorts of Catholic things in his mouth.  Benedict giggled like a schoolgirl, the assembled crowd laughed in delight (because, by Irish law, the Pope cannot be questioned) and the two lovers pressed their thin lips together.  It was magic!*

* and, of course, all a giant lie.  Please don't send lawyers or Kathy English after me!

Need a vacation?  Of course you do, but where?  Let's see our options...

I'd suggest London but oh no, they're going to film the "Sex and the City" sequel there and the movie sounds dreadful!

How about Paris?  Olympic athlete Romain Mesnil has been running around nude all week:

But avoid Rome, or at least the Vatican -- while the new revelation that they knew about child abuse scandals dating back to the 1950s is no surprise, what is weird is that a church investigator wanted to buy an island where they could send the pedophile priests!  Sounds like the creepiest "Lost" episode yet!

Forget Europe -- maybe a cruise ship would be fun!  You could join John Mayer's voyage and watch him admit to making out with Perez Hilton:

Ugh.  Maybe not.  And while we debate which destination would suck more -- Jamaica or Iran -- note that Afghanistan's new Shia Family Law allows men to legally rape their wives.  Yes tourists, welcome to sunny Kabul, where they'll treat you like family!

But before you cancel your passport application, remember it's not the country, it's the religion -- rarely a friend to gay people or straight women, it seems. 

Here's a game you can play at home or travelling -- see how many minutes you can endure of these wiseguy college kids reading actual transcripts from Christian fundamentalist website forums!  I only made to 1:12, myself...