Halloween's tomorrow and you haven't got a costume yet?  Me neither!  Sure, we could just go as ourselves -- since gay people are apparently scarier than Paranormal Activity -- but if you want something a bit flashier, here's some last-minute ideas:

Scary Costume:  Joe Jackson

Michael's father is a bigger monster than Frankenstein!

Superhero Costume:  Elton John 

I hope I can pull off such acrobatic moves when I'm 80!

Political Costume:  An egg

A Colorado initiative insists that ovum should have the legal rights of a person.  In 2012, Sarah Palin will become president thanks to the new voters in the produce aisle:

Sexy Costume:  The Chinese Fruit Bat

An environmental blog writes, "Prepare to enter the fascinating world of fruit bat fellatio." Oh scientists, you had me at hello!

Party Costume:  Yet Another South Carolina Family Values Republican

Damn, these right-wingers know how to party -- in a cemetary, no less: 

Drag Costume:  Matthew Shepard as Dolly Parton

Judy reveals that she knew her son was gay after young Matt went out as the Backwoods Barbie three years in a row.  That is both the cutest and most bittersweet thing I've heard all week.

Movie Costume:  Brokeback Mountain 2 

Jake's appearing on Sesame Street and the jokes just write themselves, don't they?

However you decide to dress this Halloween, have a safe and happy weekend!

I was of two minds today. I could rail against the injustice that the brutal killing of Sean Kennedy was worth a mere eight months in prison or I could make a dark joke about the irony of animal rights activist Nathan Runkle being beaten like a dog this weekend.

But then I see the Christian Newswire's "Top Ten Instances of Christian Bashing in America 2008" and I am simply left speechless.  Christian bashing?  Really?

My, but they have a different definition of "bashing" than I do: the number two crime on their list is that "Sarah Palin came under sharp attack by some in the mainstream media because she self-identifies as a Christian." That's right, MSNBC was mean to a US vice-presidential candidate and I'm sure Sean Kennedy feels just terrible about it. Oh no, wait...he's dead.

And why? Because we're number one. Nevermind the overzealous lawmakers or caustic comedians, it's the gay people protesting against being denied their basic human rights that are the biggest threat to Christianity, or at least according to the people claiming to speak for it.

Meanwhile, Bill Maher -- who spent his own money producing a hilariously snide 90-minute documentary on religion -- must've yelled, "I'm only number six??? What more do I have to do to these people?" Like Maher, I was raised Catholic so like it or not, religion always looks like this to me:

But like it says up top, this is a gay pop culture blog so I'd be happy to leave the topic of religion alone. You wouldn't, for instance, catch me opining on the nightmare in Gaza this week (even if Annie Lennox does!) but a youth activist group and this lovely clip from the acclaimed documentary "Jerusalem is Proud to Present" also reminded me again that whenever we explore the lives of gay people, the effects of religion are never far behind:

This is why I'm all about the science. The Bible may be "the unchanging word of God" but I'm delighted that we're still discovering new wrinkles in Darwin's findings. Up till now, I thought a pink iguana was a cocktail!

And if all of this is too heavy, take heart:  we can still ogle Chris Evans!

See if you can follow this logic:
1) criminal laws against homosexuality in 80 countries around the world are leading to state-sanctioned murder
2) France leads the European Union in drafting a UN resolution to decriminalize homosexuality worldwide
3) the Vatican opposes the life-saving measure because it will lead to....gay marriage.

If you ever need to know why your average homo rails about religion, there it is in a nutshell. Me, I'm getting pretty fed up with being treated like a greeter at Wal-Mart: "Hey, sorry we trampled you to death, fag, but our children need cheap Playstations! Don't you believe in the sanctity of marriage??"

But it's not like any of the arguments against us ever make sense: in Vancouver, a man was gay-bashed for singing Christmas carols! One "fa la la" too many, apparently.

In other leaps of logic, Stephen Harper is now waging a PR battle against the progressive coalition government that only formed in the first place because he thought he was Caesar (it's not like he's got an economy to fix or anything). It's a crazy week for Canadian politics and the CBC is already working on a TV movie:

(spare me the emails -- I'm a writer, not a Photoshopper!)

STOP THE PRESSES: Homosexuality study number 129,394,393 reveals that being gay is not a choice!  Seriously, aren't we done with this yet?

Fans and critics alike are enjoying the new Britney Spears album -- hooray!  Since I hate to kick a girl when she's down, I'm thrilled that she's topping the charts and I can make fun of her again!

Ted Rogers, founder and CEO of the cable monopoly, died yesterday at 75. This means he should receive his last Rogers bill in July 2010.

And finally, a personal plea: please don't rent or buy the new 'X-Files' movie out on DVD this week. It's not 1997 anymore and the new movie is both disappointingly tedious and weirdly homophobic. Apparently, the only thing scarier than a worldwide conspiracy to hide the truth of an alien invasion is two guys from Russia who get married in Massachusetts and start harvesting human organs. Actually, that is pretty creepy. Never mind -- rent it and make up your own mind:

 

It's bad enough we'll have to endure all the perky marketing for 'High School Musical 3' this weekend but now comes word that Zac Efron will costar in 'Pirates of the Caribbean 4.' Johnny Depp has joked that Captain Jack Sparrow would love having a cabin boy around but, after sitting through those horrible 'Pirate' sequels, even the notion of Depp buggering Efron senseless won't be enough to get me in the theatre!

Swedish hockey player Jan Huokko was embarrassed earlier this summer when a clip of a sex tape he made with his girlfriend ended up on the internet. During a game on Tuesday, fans for the rival team taunted Huokko by waving a giant inflatable penis and tossing dozens of dildos onto the ice. Huokko took it in stride ("I’ve got nothing to be ashamed of") but the Zamboni driver has been looking pretty happy ever since.

I never realized that Al Gore's eco-documentary 'An Inconvenient Truth' is a remake -- Frank Capra produced his own documentary on climate change...in 1958!

The fight to preserve same-sex marriage in California -- as residents prepare to vote on the anti-gay Proposition 8 -- is getting weird and ugly:
- Prop 8 supporters are claiming that gay marriage leads to child prostitution!
- over three-quarters of the $23-million raised to stop marriage equality in California is coming from the Mormon church in Utah, in an attempt to make evangelical Christians less alarmed by their magic underwear
- when a Mormon family plastered the front of their house with a massive 'Yes on 8' sign, a lesbian couple parked their SUV in front with "Bigots live here" written on it
- the 'Yes on 8' and 'Protect Marriage' campaigns are sending out letters demanding equivalent money from businesses that have donated to the 'No' groups fighting for gay marriage. "It is only fair for Proposition 8 supporters to know which companies and organizations oppose traditional marriage," says one letter but the owner of a real estate business calls it "blackmail" and says, "We're not caving...we'll support our employees. We're going to support the freedom to marry, a fundamental right to do what we can to make sure it's not taken away."

In such a highly-charged atmosphere leading up to the election, Oscar-winning director and former 'Happy Days' star Ron Howard thinks Obama should get the vote -- and he's going to ridiculous lengths to show it:

Meanwhile, it almost seems like John McCain has given up. It's hard enough to fight Obama while being saddled with Sarah Palin but now his idiot brother is making things worse!

Since everyone's talking about Palin's $150,000 wardrobe (even FOX News except they're fine with it), the Republicans will be desperate to focus on other things. One blog got a hold of some leaked campaign ads:

Seeing that in print is always ugly. And I'm not keen on the word 'faggots' either.

With all this going on, beloved gay humourist David Sedaris has lost his patience with "the undecided voters": "To put them in perspective, I think of being on an airplane. The flight attendant comes down the aisle with her food cart and, eventually, parks it beside my seat. 'Can I interest you in the chicken?' she asks. 'Or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?' To be undecided in this election is to pause for a moment and then ask how the chicken is cooked." 

But hey, enough politics -- it's the weekend!  Time to get out there and dance!  And here's one guy who's been practicing:

 

The eggheads at New Scientist have unveiled another theory of the possible purpose of homosexuality. Or at least I think that's what they're saying. At first, I thought it was just hot gay beetle porn:

But bisexual beetles are nothing compared to the craziness in Austria: after Jörg Haider, 52-year-old leader of a far-right racist party, died in a car accident last month, longtime rumours about his sexuality were rekindled by news that he'd left a gay bar right before his drunk-driving death. Now his replacement, 27-year-old Stefan Petzner, has revealed that he and Haider were lovers! "He was the man of my life," says Petzner, blowing the minds of neo-Nazis horrified that Haider was gay and gay people horrified that Haider was a neo-Nazi.

Conservatives in Australia think they're keeping it simple: 17 different organizations in Australia are now banding together under the umbrella concept "Gender matters." It's not about being anti-gay, they claim -- merely about protecting "natural biological families" by renaming homosexuality "gender disorientation pathology." C'mon gang, there are people still frustrated that 'gay' no longer means 'happy' and now you want to spring all that on them?

Even equality in marriage -- a simple idea thankfully settled in Canada --is making no sense down south. California state Senator Tom McClintock is supporting the proposition to ban gay marriage with a confusing analogy from Abraham Lincoln (wait, wasn't he gay?): "'If you call a tail a leg, how many legs has a dog? The answer is four. Calling a tail a leg doesn’t make it one.'" McClintock adds, "And calling a homosexual partnership a marriage doesn’t make it one."

Well that's some iron-clad logic right there so I must agree: for instance, it's true that if I say Tom McClintock is a horse's ass, it does not actually make him the ass of a horse. Even if what comes out of him is manure.

But all this bizarre back-and-forth is why, once again, we cheer for Ellen Degeneres, who often insists she doesn't like to "get political" yet rises to the occasion every time she's forced to, with wit and style. Here she goes again, keeping it simple: