My beloved Pet Shop Boys kicked off their North American tour in Montreal on Saturday, then popped over to Toronto's Virgin Fest to perform a few classics:

But every mention of them this weekend expressed surprise that they're still around at all, which is pretty rich considering all the same-day praise showered on aging emo-kid Trent Reznor, the recent hype around Madonna's third greatest hits CD or, God help us, the new single from the Backstreet Boys.

Why pick on the Pet Shop Boys when there's a whole bunch of people who have seriously outstayed their welcome, people like...

-- Mischa Barton: the why-is-she-famous 'OC' actress says it was the pain from her wisdom teeth that drove her into rehab.  That's even less plausible than her lesbian plotline.

-- Dick Cheney: while getting a blowjob from FOX News' Chris Wallace yesterday, the Dark Lord of the Sith said he's "offended" by the idea of investigating him for war crimes. The actual war crimes, however, he's just fine with.

-- Mark Steyn: the why-can't-you-white-people-breed-faster-than-the-Arabs columnist is hopping mad that he can't sell his precious, precious sperm and he's blaming it on the transgendered. Or First Nations people.  I can't really tell so I'll just go with the Dutch.

-- did you know that Saturday was a new holiday -- Sarah Palin Day?  To celebrate, Glenn Beck went completely batshit crazy.

But these dreadful people are just the symptom -- so you know who really needs to just go away already?  God.

You see, God, if you're listening (and the nuns told me you are), it's not that we're not grateful for everything you've created but just look at the people you inspire. Thanks to you, we've got the madness of Stephen Harper (yikes, that sounds familiar!), the egos of some seriously deluded football players, the Louisiana pastor who robbed Hurricane Katrina victims, and the new singing career of Heidi (Mischa Barton says, "Who?") Montag:

So handsome, so bitchy -- Anderson always makes me feel better.  But so does this lovely story from Portland, Oregon -- where United Methodist Church Rev. David Weekley revealed to his parish yesterday that he was born female.  Weekley told his congregation about his 1974 sex-change operation (to massive applause and support) and says, "God got me through." 

Oh all right, God, if the Reverend likes you, I'll let you hang around with the Pet Shop Boys.  You did, after all, shine your sun on Ottawa Pride this weekend but seriously, can't you do something about your fan club?  Or is that why you gave us Lily Allen? Mysterious ways, indeed...

Sure, other headline writers went for the polite joke but hey, we're all friends here, right?  In case you haven't seen this already, Del Monte has created a limited-edition fruit ice bar in the shape of "coolest celebrity" Daniel Craig in his 'Casino Royale' swimsuit:

Speaking of sucking, I wasn't planning on spending another moment on the murder of Kansas abortion clinic doctor George Tiller but I was amazed and astounded by the end of the press conference from pro-life Operation Rescue leader Randall Terry -- mere seconds after blaming Tiller for his own murder, he's ordering lunch:

Like blustery newsman Keith Olbermann (in another savage takedown of Bill O'Reilly), I'm appalled yet fascinated by a mind that can switch moral gears so efficiently. Take Dick Cheney (please!) -- while President Obama was declaring June Gay Pride Month, Cheney suddenly and uncharacteristically had to go one better:

Or my new hero -- Dr. David P. Gushee, a professor of Christian ethics who says we gays are owed an apology!  Thanks, Dr. Gushee -- as the ridiculous 'Dancing Man' from Sasquatch 2009 proves, it only takes one man to turn things around:

Even before the Pope started cheerleading for Holocaust deniers this week, I'd made no secret of my lifelong belief that the Catholic Church is pure evil.  Now I know there are individual priests and nuns out there doing great work, caring work, necessary work but, as an institution, the church of Pope Benedict XVI makes Dick Cheney seem like Snuggle the fabric softener bear:

I've tried to be fair: even ignoring the church's numerous and nauseating ongoing child rape scandals (I'm so generous!) but it's the little things, like Fresno, CA priest Father Geoff Farrow, who bucked the church leadership and delivered a sermon defending gay and lesbian people in October and was promptly suspended. 

Now fair enough, one will argue -- Farrow was certainly not a team player there -- but now the church is actively preventing Farrow from getting another job.  "You'll never work in this earthly plane of existence again!" they cry while Farrow risks joining the soup kitchen line he used to minister to.

Meanwhile, the Vatican -- always with an eye on where the boys are -- have discovered the internet, setting up their very own YouTube page. Now you can watch hate speech as it happens and stay tuned for their new video, "Two Nuns, One Chalice!"

Gay people are painted as the villain, says essayist Richard Rodriguez, "when the churches themselves have a great deal to explain." I leave you with a charming interview clip in which he explains what the fight to ban gay marriage is truly about:

Today, we've got news for your organs!

LUNGS:  Give 'em a workout by whistling along to the strangest mash-up in a while: Beyoncé meets Andy Griffith for "Single Ladies in Mayberry."

HEART:  Anderson Cooper plays with puppies on "The Daily Show" -- it's off-the-charts adorable:

KIDNEY:  A man donated one to his wife but now, as they divorce, he's demanding it back. He may be missing a kidney but he certainly has his balls!

PENIS: You'll feel better about yours after you hear the sad story of the gay man who inspired the Ken doll.

BRAIN:  Wrap your head around the notion that religious conservatives fight against gay rights (like Mormons funding the California marriage ban) because of their fear that our rights will lead to polygamy and violate their religious beliefs. Yet the leader of a fundamentalist Mormon sect in BC says that arresting him for polygamy is an attack on his religious freedom. Round and round we go!

EYES:  If you're feeling like some TV this weekend, Neil Patrick Harris is hosting "Saturday Night Live" and hopefully making out with Andy Samberg:

LIVER:  Has a cure for the hangover truly been found?  Oh please...oh please... 

SPLEEN:  Eight years of watching Dick Cheney ruin the planet has worn mine down to a nub but check out the look on the old bastard's face (especially at the end of the clip) as he's forced to record the US election results -- applause has never sounded so sweet: